Too scared to do it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anon19820701, Nov 4, 2013.

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  1. Anon19820701

    Anon19820701 New Member

    But I know I want to kill myself. I've known for a long time. I've tried to pull myself out of depression over the years, but I always end up in the same situation. I flunked out of college, not because I couldn't keep up academically (my scores were always higher than my peers'), but because it was too hard to get out of bed most days.

    I've had jobs as a financial planning assistant, fashion stylist, fashion pr assistant, non-profit board member, etc... but I always end up getting burned out, and/or fired. My performance is always praised.... until the day comes that I can't get out of bed. A day turns into weeks and I end up having to move in with family or friends for financial support.

    I am 31 years old now. I've been unemployed for almost a year. I'm living with my mother and until yesterday I hadn't left the house for 5 weeks.
    I feel like I'm at the I've gotten all I'm going to get out of this life. I alienated myself from all of my family and "friends." I stopped answering phone calls months ago so no one calls anymore. I don't have any children and I've stopped dating.

    I apply for jobs when I feel the slightest bit of faith in myself, but there's been no response or feedback. I don't even have money to put gas in my car to drive to an interview. My mother offers to help and then I realize how much I've reverted to being a child. It makes me hate myself that I have to rely on her. I don't want to ask for anything... she offers. There are times when she has helped so much and I start to feel better about myself, enough to leave the house and do something. She and I went to dinner last night. But then she'll say something that reveals her true thoughts. Tonight she yelled "I'm tired of seeing you do nothing."

    Once she said I was holding her back. That hurt because I don't even want to be here. I want her to have a light, easy, happy life. I don't want to be the burden or the dark cloud in anyone's life. I don't want to misplace my anger. I realize that I can't expect her to understand, but I do get angry and frustrated. My face gets hot and my chest feels heavy and I feel tears in my eyes. I get angry...quickly. Then I really want to end things. I give it a lot of thought and <Mod edit - methods> but I'm too cowardly to make an attempt. I'm afraidof the pain. I don't want to fail. I also don't want to be punished for succeeding.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Anon i am sorry you have been struggling so long with your depression. Have you talked to your doctor There are new meds to help you add on to old meds even to get you out of the depression cycle and back into life Therapy with meds work even better You mom says those things because she feels helpless she loves you she does but she is not a professional so she gets frustrated with herself for not being able to give you the support you need. I am glad you are talking here to us because we do understand that place of no energy no interest we get depression we do The thing is hun nothing will change unless you make it change and i k now it is hard to take that step. Please know you can get better but you need the help of your doctor ok a professional hugs
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