But I know I want to kill myself. I've known for a long time. I've tried to pull myself out of depression over the years, but I always end up in the same situation. I flunked out of college, not because I couldn't keep up academically (my scores were always higher than my peers'), but because it was too hard to get out of bed most days. I've had jobs as a financial planning assistant, fashion stylist, fashion pr assistant, non-profit board member, etc... but I always end up getting burned out, and/or fired. My performance is always praised.... until the day comes that I can't get out of bed. A day turns into weeks and I end up having to move in with family or friends for financial support. I am 31 years old now. I've been unemployed for almost a year. I'm living with my mother and until yesterday I hadn't left the house for 5 weeks. I feel like I'm at the end...like I've gotten all I'm going to get out of this life. I alienated myself from all of my family and "friends." I stopped answering phone calls months ago so no one calls anymore. I don't have any children and I've stopped dating. I apply for jobs when I feel the slightest bit of faith in myself, but there's been no response or feedback. I don't even have money to put gas in my car to drive to an interview. My mother offers to help and then I realize how much I've reverted to being a child. It makes me hate myself that I have to rely on her. I don't want to ask for anything... she offers. There are times when she has helped so much and I start to feel better about myself, enough to leave the house and do something. She and I went to dinner last night. But then she'll say something that reveals her true thoughts. Tonight she yelled "I'm tired of seeing you do nothing." Once she said I was holding her back. That hurt because I don't even want to be here. I want her to have a light, easy, happy life. I don't want to be the burden or the dark cloud in anyone's life. I don't want to misplace my anger. I realize that I can't expect her to understand, but I do get angry and frustrated. My face gets hot and my chest feels heavy and I feel tears in my eyes. I get angry...quickly. Then I really want to end things. I give it a lot of thought and <Mod edit - methods> but I'm too cowardly to make an attempt. I'm afraidof the pain. I don't want to fail. I also don't want to be punished for succeeding.