Too scared to live too scared to die

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by cots, Nov 22, 2013.

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  1. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    Lately, I've come to accept the fact that I will remain lonely and sad for the rest of my years. I have also accepted that it's in the plans of the higher powers for me to remain depressed, and that more sorrows are coming my way and I should just quit fighting it.

    Last night I was thinking, I could choose to die or choose to continue living lonely and sad for say, another 50 years? If I chose the former, would I really be able to end my existence, or will my soul continue to suffer in sadness? If I chose to live, I would remain sad of course, as predicted. Seems like a lose lose thing for me.

    Now this has made me too scared to live and too scared to die. It reaffirms the truth that no matter which route I choose, I'll only end up back at square one aka loneliness/sadness/depression. Has anyone experienced this thought? Sorry if I'm posting this at the wrong place, I'm not sure where this belongs.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    seems to me like a good place to post this. I am afraid of death. And I am afraid of life. I am a bit different though because I have not given up hope that there will be miracles for me and others. Will that happen? I do not know. But I hope for it. just like people with horrible physical illnesses just hold on to hope that somehow there will be something new discovered. Do I expect to be completely better? Not really. But I just hold out a shred of hope that the quality of life can improve some. And I hold that hope for people here also. I am not pretending to be all sappy and flowery. Its not like that. Sometimes I do feel hopeless. But most of the time there is a shred of hope for myself. And more hope for those I know. Time will tell if I was a fool or if I was right
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I have experienced this feeling often, cotton.... its the feeling that inspired the poem I spoke of in chat, the one I wont post here. I will tell you tho, how it starts ... and ends:


    Darkness is my hallway
    And spirits pave the walls.
    I walk into this lonely world,
    And somehow feel right at home.


    Suddenly, all is dark,
    And spirits pave the walls.
    I walk into this empty world,
    And somehow feel right at home...

    In between those stanzas it talks about the feelings of despair and how it seems nobody cares and ultimately the actual suicide... so basically, its saying there is nothing in life but emptiness, and the same is seen in death... emptiness. The poem is entitled "My Empty World" for a reason.

    It's exactly what you are describing.... you are not alone. I'm sorry you know the feeling though... nobody should.
  4. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind replies. My time on earth has proven that I am hopeless, and that I will never be worth anything. At least there's a very small glimpse of hope in death, feels like it's a way out and there could be something lying beyond here. Could be good, could be bad, I don't know. All I know is that if I continue staying here, I'm doomed.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I know the feeling. Or I know what that feels like for me. :hug: Still, I hope you stay. And I hope your suffering is lifted while still here alive
  6. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

    I know exactly the feeling.
    I have been going through life with the angel of life on one shoulder and the devil on the other one.

    I came to the conclusion that I would have more help, support, compassion, etc, if I had cancer instead of mental illness.

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