Too soon to call it love, is it infatuation/lust?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by yous, Jul 24, 2010.

  1. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    To all those who have found their girlfriends or boyfriends, how soon did you start kissing? Was it on the first date? Then how soon after that did it become passionate. Just want to know the normal ideal growth of love between 2 people.

    I got this girl cousin, she's about 30 years old, who was speaking to a guy she met online and they've known each other for about a month or so. They talked about meeting up, but she was always nervous about it because the guy in his chats would always seem to talk in this sexual attraction (and she is attracted to him which is why she kept sticking with him), but the talks would make her question their relationship because of the sexual desires they would chat about. He would talk to her about her problems, support her and give her advice, but most of the talks were of sexual nature. She questions whether if she ever met this guy if the encounter would be the same. She has feeling they'll be a too strong sexual attraction to someone she never met before and it'll be wrong to sleep with him on the first date, if you get my meaning.

    Oh and she said he wants her to be honest right from the beginning with him that if something was bothering her, she should let him know. But she's afraid if she mentions this, he'll get all defensive saying he never intended it to be just sexual and blame her for taking it the wrong way since he did mention other things like talk about her problems. She said he can get defensive like that sometimes.

    So when is the natural progression when love happens vs everything else?
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Two people have to be in tune with each other and themselves, and honest communication for anything good to happen sexually. And this girl sounds like she knows herself ; she is clearly uncomfortable and not ready and (very rightly so) worried about meeting up with this guy.

    I'd just say if I were you, you could tell her there are no rules as to when she should be ready for sex. If she doesn't feel ready, she's not ready regardless of her sexual attraction to this person. If she feels uncomfortable with something but she feels like she can't talk to him, because he'll get defensive this is a huge sign that she does not trust him. And trust is so important, and that takes time to build. Then again, she hasn't tried talking about her feelings of unease. I'd really encourage her to try, and see his reaction. If she feels like this guy is only around for the sex, and that when he talks to her she can tell that he's not interested in her life, but about sex only, then she might be on the right track.

    Then again, I'm not sure what kinda relationship this is and what her hopes it something she hopes will turn into a long-term relationship? I get that feeling from your post.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2010
  3. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    From my point of view the guy just wants to get off and she's best off without him. For him it's probably lust but most likely not for her but for closeness and sex in general, by what you've said. For her I think she wants to be in love, and because of that she's letting things slide that she ordinarily wouldn't simply because she wants this guy to be "the one" or right for her, or whatever it is people call it these days.

    Telling the guy how uncomfortable she feels is probably the right thing to do, but then he'll probably get his kicks from some other girl so there's a chance she'll lose him / he'll become dishonest with her.

    I guess I haven't really helped. At her age though, she needs a life partner who can be there for her. Not some guy over the internet who gets his kicks have dirty talks with people he doesn't know. Guy sounds like a right creep.
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Doesn't sound conducive to a longterm relationship, to me.
  5. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys, this really helped. I'm going to relay to her all that you said.

    She has told me that she tries to trust him somewhat because she said he speaks whatever straightforward in his mind(hence the sexual content) and repeatedly tried to reassure her to trust him, but when she tried talking about other things in general (not about life problems or sexually), he would be uninterested or sometime they'll fight about certain insecurities she had tried to discuss with him. He was always more interested in sexual content or tried to divert all conversation to his way of thinking. He did express to her that he wouldn't try anything on her should they meet and it would be in public, but for some reason, she told me today, she fears that what has been said, the sexual attraction between the 2 of them is too strong and such that it just ruined the experience of just being friends first and getting to know each other in person before any relationship has developed. Oh yeah I have to add, she did try to tell him to keep his mind together and not to jump the gun, but he still coming on strong to her(at least to her she is).

    I think she's afraid she would not know how to handle herself when meeting him. It's not like she would come on to him or even follow through anything, but its like he may steal a peck on her cheek or take her hand, and knowing her, she doesn't like that with strangers on the first encounter. He's very electric and extrovert from what I hear from her, and she's more shy. She's afraid of disappointing him too.

    If anyone has anymore thoughts, I'd greatly appreciate it, but I will talk to her more as it is really worrying her to bits. I never seen her like this before.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I would warn her to be very careful about meeting anyone from online she doesn't know..especially if he talks about sex a lot...there are a lot of predators out there......if she decides to meet him I think it should be with a couple of her friends as well....
    I personally would tell him she doesn't want to talk sex and see how long he stays with her...she needs to be very careful..
  7. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Actually that's a very good idea. To tell him not to talk about sex, and see how far the conversation or so-called relationship goes. I hate it when girl has to sacrifice her part for the sake of saving any sort of relationship especially all she's gone through. I mean I wish her the best, and had hoped she was finding someone at least, but yeah guys is really strange.
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    There's something about this whole situation that just screams rapist to me. I would definitely warn her to be very careful with this.