Too soon, too young *trigger warning.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by levitated-one, Jul 11, 2009.

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  1. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    I have a lot going for me, as I just started a small online business, which is making quite good part time salary every month.
    But that's not it.. it doesn't really matter what I'm doing and how much I'm making, I could be having a $10,000 a month business for all I care, but will still be suicidal, because I'm in trauma everyday.. the pain is there, the problems are real, and there isn't any solutions. Fk, I don't want to hurt my family.. but if there weren't here I would have gone already.
    I'm planning on taking a one way ticket to another city, where nobody knows me, then find a high spot.. but I'm afraid of the aftermath.. I just wish my family could cope with it.
    Right now I'm breaking.. heart, mind, soul is breaking.. fking knowing that this is my life, it's horrifying.
    I'm sorry.. im sorry .. im sorry.. im sorry.. sorry isn't enough for what I did.. I caused anguise and pain.. for something irresponsible.. I've caused many people to be in real pain from what a selfish thing I did.. if I proceed with the suicide.

    I will not justify suicide.. I agree that it's quite selfish, selfish meaning it has to be my way or the highway.. I'm just.. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I don't see what is the point of being in this.. I'm also afraid there are higher problems later on in life, and I cannot take it anymore. scared, scared, afraid, afraid..problems..problems..sorry..sorry..goodbye..goodbye.. and people will be hurt and will cry days..weeks..months..years.. IM SOOO SORRY, if only people know suicidal feeling is a mental illness by itself, then they wouldn't be in so much guilt or in so much anguise when I leave.. There's no justification for what I did/will do.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear what your saying and i feel what you feel Every fibre every nerve wanting a way out of the pain of out of the insanity in our head out of the fear the anxiety The only way is through therapy talking with a professional that cares enough to actually listen and to teach us how to control our ffff thoughts that tell us were no good were nothings. You and I both don't have it in us to transfer our pain on to the ones we love. You got to reach out to crisis team to emergency anyone who can help you give you medication to ease your pain Please remember we are here we are listening and we understand but you are right NO ONE should have to suffer our pain so please go get help now please do not stay in the place your in Please
  3. hellohello

    hellohello Member

    is there anything particular that has happened recently ????? a whole series of things? or have you been suffering for a very logn time???
    you need to talk....
    you really need to talk... if you don't want to spill your heart here on this forum.. then you need to find a therapist... go to your doctor... i've heard that medicare pays for a certain number of hours of psychotherapy a year.... do it... you clearly need some help.... andyou want some help that's why you've posted... talk here... or get some help....
    these feelings you have, they will not disapper by magic... although that would be nice, you need to talk.... these feelings can take over your life,and clearly they have, you don't want your business to be affected aswell, you'll be left with nothing... please find someone to talk to, it's so important....
    i know exactly how you feel, the whole guilt thing, i always think to myself if i din't have a family i would have topped myself by now, just the thought of them suffering keeps you from doing it... it's so weird...... do you have brothers/sisters your age? someone who you can talk to?????
    oh i really hope you are going to be okay.... xxxxxxxx
  4. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    It has happened for almost 3 years now.. in a terrible state of mind due to psychedelics LSD, abuse, been using it every other day for months. They say you'd only have to do 3 LSD tabs to be clinically insane..well I've done almost a hundred in a period of a year, which I have quit 3 year ago.
    The problem has to do with not accepting who I am, and it has hit me very hard.. I'm in a depression ever since. I am now suffering from low self esteem, hard to communicate with others, and hard to chat with girls that I like. It's like being too aware.. too aware of what others think about me, too aware of what other's are thinking.. and I'm aware of all the negatives, and positives too.
    The problem with being so aware is I'll go into trips in my own head.. trips about what I think, what people think.. and I trip out. When I trip out the facial expression would change to a really weird expression of not being secure with who I am, as I am insecure.
    This has stopped me from doing more drugs, but has also stopped me from a lot of things, like communicating with more people, as I'll go into trips, and when the trips are on, it's like I'm in nightmare.

    You see, the problem is, I never thought LSD was gonna cause me so much pain, only after months of using it did I found out, it had quite a permenant effect on me. These trips, they will not dissapear, it was worse before though..but even after 3 years, there's still there.

    And I cannot accept the fact that I am small sized p, of 5.5". When it's not erect it's quite small, that is the problem, as I am not feeling equipped to be secure, as I feel quite empty down there.

    And it's not like I chose to be who I am, I don't have a choice, I was born into this without a choice. So, it's stopping me from moving on with my life, and has stopped me from a lot of things in life, like not being the man I would want to be, getting the females I like. I am quite good looking, and I think quite a few females had attraction to me, but I don't see why I should ask them out or sleep with them, as I have a problem..
    Jobs, and work places situations will bring me to bad trips, as they'll be chatting about sex, and girls, I'll have no stories to share, and since I'll have no stories to share that means I am not having frequent sex, and they'll ask why, then they'll know, and I'll trip, when I trip, I'll go into more trips, then depression, then suicidal thoughts.

    It's just too much to handle.. I wonder what the future will be, even if I did marry, I'll still might have these trips.. as people will know I'm small. To be honest, I think 5.5" is not that small, it's just below the average of 6"-6.5"..There are many people worldwide that are smaller than me. But that's not the thing.. the thing is when I'm not erect it's quite small, and I feel inadequate.. only if I have a permenant hard on, will I not be this inadequate.

    There are no ways or solution to my problem, but I can only be positive about it.. but that's not stopping the trips. This is the price of being too aware.
  5. hellohello

    hellohello Member

    what you have described as being a problem is actually not a problem at all... being small down there is absolutely not a problem... i think it ismainly a problem of being insecure and too self aware. it must be awful being so conscious of what people are thinking... it sounds like maybe you get paranoid quite easily and i can relate... it's awful and you feel like you can't trust anyone... it's a very lonely place.. you really need to seek help because it won't get better on its own.... you really have to try and get the help of a therapist... only a therapist can help you with all these issues... can you not try and look into it? go to see your doctor and tell them you have lots of issues you need to work through which are making you extremely depressed and ask them to refer you??? they have to help you! it is their duty!!!!
    please go to your doctor asap... don't tell them that you are suicidal, or if you do tell them that you would never go through with it, because you want them to refer you to a therapist who can work through the issues with you, not just put you on medication, or send you to hospital or whatever they do... you need to speak to someone long term about all these issues you have...
    the loneliness you ahve described sounds unbearable... you need to try and find a therapist... i am seeing a therapist at the moment, after years of depression on and off... it's only in the early stages but i feel like it is going to help, i am hoping and trying to stay positive about it... there is no other way, you have to talk through all your issues to help you get over them... because it is is your feelings about all these things which is the problem not the things themselves... of course i know you can't help how you feel, but that's what therapy is for... to help you see things in a different way.... you have to do it... please do it!!!
  6. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi, thanks for your kind words. Yes I'm too self conscious, and paranoid, about all these. I never thought drugs would cause such a negative effect, but it did in a bad way. I'm constantly frowning (or pulling faces), chewing gums, smoking, cause I'm nervous, and fragile. Psychologists have discovered that people smoke for a sense of security, simply because we used to suck on our mom's nipples for security when a baby, it is in our subconcious and I believe that to be true.

    Having said this, talking about this in the open is of great help to overcome my fear, fear of being weird, of being unaccepted, fear of rejection, of loss.

    I just need to grow out of this fear, and really accept who I am. All these while I was and have been in denial about the whole thing, I believed I was my soul and not of my body. But came to realize, my body is part of me too, as I'm in a physical world, not a spiritual world.
    Damn humans and all it's weaknesses.. I thought weaknesses are character flaws, etc.. but who would have thought having a small equipment would also be judged as a weakness? It's sad when things cannot be changed, but people judge you for that. Especially hard when you start to judge yourself for things that cannot be changed. Maybe I am an idiot for judging myself so harshly.

    It's good that I'm talking about this.
  7. hellohello

    hellohello Member

    i'm glad it's helping you....
    but hey from what you've said it sounds as though you have had other people criticise or at least make negative comments about you... i just want to say, and you must try hard to remember this, some people can be really cruel and evil and somehow they figure out what your weakness is, what you feel insecure about, they just seem to catch on without you even having said anything, and they try and make themselves feel better by really rubbing it in... you have to remember that... when people do that, that is all they're doing, just trying to make themselves feel better... you must be an easy target somehow... probably a nice guy who clearly shows how confused/sad he is, and there are some, although defs not all, people who thrive on making people feel bad.... but you don't actually have anything to feel bad about... it's just the way you feel about yourself, which has probably been aggravated by all the drugs, but probably dates back to when you were little.... stuff that happens when we're small really scars us even if we cant remember or never really think about it... that's why you need to get therapy... it sounds like you are intelligent and already quite interested in psychology and how the mind works, so you would probably respond well to psychotherapy... that's what i'm having at the moment.. jungian psychotherapy, and i think it's going to help me.... look up places on the net near where you are... you will find the help you need, i am sure... i hope you are already feeling better... like you said, it's really good, a real relief, just to get things off your chest....
    you will get better and stronger... it will take a while but you will slowly get better... and you will meet someone... but probably now is not the time to even worry about that. you need to get strong first... thinking of you.
  8. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi HelloHello,

    Thanks for your kind words, I don't know how am I able to talk to a therapist, as I don't know who they are..all I know is they're there to make money..and not really care.
    As for things, yes things are getting better for myself, as I just made $1K profit today for my online business, so that will keep my mind off things.
    Yes people have been talking sht about me, and I'm getting away from people.. I guess they're just immature bunch. But I want to get stronger, to really be sure of who I am.

    What do you recommend on how do I get a therapist, meeting the doctor, then ask for recommendation? Much thanks.
  9. hellohello

    hellohello Member

    hey you sorry i've been at work all day...
    yes you should go to your doctor and speak to them... ask how it works... i know someone from australia who said he got a referral from doctor which meant he got a certain number of sessions paid by medicare.... it's different here in uk... yes, we can get some sessions free on nhs, but it's only five, and you have to wait for ages sometimes, and you don't get to choose your therapist... i think you might get more choice in oz...
    otherwise there might be some organisations there like there are here... here we have places like BAP and SAP (british society of analytical therapists etc) which are not government funded or anything, but very reputable and the therapists are really well trained...
    i know what you mean about therapists out to make money... but can i tell you, i have been very lucky... here they have this thing where you can get intensive therapy on low fee schemes, which is what i'm on, and basically you pay just a fraction of what would normally be charged... the going rate over here is 50pounds an hour, i've heard in australia its about 100 or more an hour, so works out the same i guess... but anyway, on a low fee scheme you pay from as little as 8 pounds a session depending on how much you earn... anyway, so normally these low fee scheme things are so that trainees get some practise... they are in their final stages of training but still they are trainees... anyway, i went along to my initial assessment which is normally with a highly experienced therapist and they try and find someone for you, but she couldn't, so she offered me therapy with herself... i mean, she's fantastic and highly experienced and defs doesnt need my 12pounds a session which is all i'm getting charged... so they're not only out for the money. of course thye need money to survive too, but they only get into this line of work because they want to help... did you know that a psychotherapist has many years' worth of psychotherapy themselves before they can fully qualify... so i'm sure, absolutely sure, it's not just for the money....
    okay so yeah, do a search on the internet for psychotherapy, it does require some research, you have to then find out who the organisations are registered with and if they're reputable etc...
    but do also go to your doc and ask him how it works, whether if you find your own therapist, could he then refer you so you could claim on medicare... let me know if you want any more advice or information... i'm happy to help... you take care
    and that's great news about your company!!!!!!!i'm glad for you.... take care and keep in touch...
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