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too stupid to live?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Mar 29, 2011.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    why do i listen? why do i let myself be convinced to hold on to the hope that things will get better?

    why do i get up in the morning and keep forcing myself to come to work when just the sound of my manager's voice can make me feel so small and worthless?

    why do i keep breathing when it only means that i will keep failing over and over and over and over and over?

    i can't do this - i don't want to do this - why am i doing this?

    complete disappointment as a son

    total failure as an employee

    absolute fuckup as a parent

    waste of a life

    i want to die so much right now but god won't do it for me

    god helps those who help themselves right?

    already alone - no one to hold me - no one who can comfort me

    head is a mess - thoughts keep flying around out of control

    always put everyone else ahead of me and it was easy - everyone else is more important

    but i'm wrung out - weight of my regrets are crushing me like a ton of rock

    everytime i try to do the right thing it goes wrong - i'm a walking disaster

    i just want to lay down and stop
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Feel trapped - cornered

    Tried and tried but can't see another way out
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    just call crisis okay there is always another way always:hugtackles:
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member


    Don't want them to have my number - don't trust them
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I know that doesn't fix anything, just want you to know I'm listening, and I care.
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    So tired - keep falling asleep

    Don't want to sleep - that only makes tomorrow come faster
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    sorry you're feeling this way :( try to think positively .. i know easier said than done :hug:
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    losing myself bit by bit, day by day

    i keep going but i'm fading away

    and no one will notice when i finally disappear
  10. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Yeah OP, you have no idea how your title is my entire thought process. I feel for ya.
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    need help

    made it to work but i hurt so damn much

    i have nothing left - not here, not at home

    kit is full and accessible and i don't have any more reasons not to use it
  12. dolphinsmiles

    dolphinsmiles New Member

    i know its so hard at times like this
    to think of things to say
    and so i am going to try
    to think of a poem today

    i want to tell you please dont stop
    i want to say live on
    i want to tell you there is light
    i want to say be strong

    i write this little poem
    just for you my dear
    i hope its something to let you know
    my feelings very clear

    dont take your life
    dont waste away
    stand up and live
    another day

    be strong my friend
    i know you can
    take a deep breath
    and make a new plan


    sorry i am not wonderful at poetry, just wrote it for you, to let you know that i took some time out of my day thinking of you, to write you a poem.

    i felt like you do years ago, i tried three times to kill myself, i was in a dark place and i am so glad now that i did not succeed.

    i am now married with 5 children, and although i still have times when i feel so very down, i hold my head up, take a deep breath and try another day.

    i promise it will get better

  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    That's not true, people would notice if you were gone. I would, and I know there are others here who would too. I know we can't fix everything, or make it all okay. But we can at least be here to help you through the tough times. Hope you'll let us.
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i feel so completely alone

    i don't have any friends

    no one at work needs me

    i feel so damned small and worthless right now

    i'm not worth caring about

    i want to take my kit and crawl into the nearest dumpster - solve all my problems at once
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: You're not worthless. I know that's how you feel right now, but it's not true. You really are worth caring about, and you don't have to do this all alone.
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you say that but the fact is i AM alone

    no one around me understands or cares

    my wife? she just gets angry at me

    my boss? don't make me laugh

    my friends? oh wait - i don't have any

    and i don't know how to meet people or make friends any more - not that i have the time anyway

    i'm so afraid of everything - i can't relax enough to breathe

    i don't want to do this any more

    why should i continue dying in bits and pieces when i can get it done all at once?
  17. CryingKelly

    CryingKelly New Member

    I hope that sharing how I feel with you will make you feel a bit better because I am in exactly the same boat and I am hoping that we can help eachother.

    For me, if people were to look at me they could easily say I am lucky, I have a job in a good company, I have a boyfriend who is very sweet when he is here and I am ok build and not so unattractive but the problem is that is not how i see things and basically i just see what is wrong so i see how i have an awkward shape and a large nose, i see that i have a boyfriend who is never here and i have no friends, i am also socially awkward and find it impossible to make friends. At work i work for a good company but i have been doing the job for four years and not going anywhere, in fact i have been there the longest, everyone has moved on to bigger and better things but not me, i have had interviews but there is always someone better than me even though i try really hard. My family are abroad and i miss my mum so much, she is the only person who I am living for, well her and my younger sisters, i dont want my mum to feel like a failure for bringing up someone who committs suicide, and it would not be a good role model for my sisters which is why i am on here, i left early today because i couldnt talk to anyone because all i wanted to do was cry, but i'm here to try to change things, one step at a time, at the moment i think the problem is its all so overwhelming, but the fact we are here means we have time, to work on one thing, one step at a time, one day at a time and i hope that i will find the strength to live and help others in our situation too. x
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    in order to keep my job i must come up with and document "a list if 4-5 improvement initiatives (resulting in efficiencie such as; shortened development time; reduction in processing time; improved database functionality; etc.)."

    have to have this done in about 30 days now

    went to manager with list of 4 - he approved 1 and gave a maybe to a second

    turns out he doesn't want things that will save time a bit here and there - he wants big, in-your-face savings so he can look really good

    i'm already deep in critical project testing that will take the rest of this week and a good part of the next

    i was hard pressed to come up with the ideas i had and that was after i spoke to a bunch of other people who are also busy

    he and his boss seem to think my task is doable - i don't believe it and neither do others who know what i'm up against

    can't say what i want to do right now other than it would be fatal - i'm destined to fail anyway and am having a hard time seeing any reason to keep pretending that everything will be ok
  19. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i wish i could help but things are falling apart
  20. johnmarstongr

    johnmarstongr New Member

    My friend you have depression, a few days ago I was right here saying I wanted to kill myself too, I got back to my medication and here I'm ready to live, you know? I won't tell you that the sun will soon come out, it won't come out unless you talk to a doctor, and don't kill yourself, because you want to do it to stop the pain, but when you die, there is nothing, no pain, no love, no hate, you are just plain dead, thats what do you like to do? I don't think so, try to make yourself stronger, world is lucky to have you, thats what I say to myself everyday, and its true, I feel happy when thinking that, plus try to do things you like, paint, listen to happy music you like, but killing yourself is not option, who wants you alive you might ask? I WANT!!! So do me this favour and hang in there!
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