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too stupid to live?

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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#1
why do i listen? why do i let myself be convinced to hold on to the hope that things will get better?

why do i get up in the morning and keep forcing myself to come to work when just the sound of my manager's voice can make me feel so small and worthless?

why do i keep breathing when it only means that i will keep failing over and over and over and over and over?

i can't do this - i don't want to do this - why am i doing this?

complete disappointment as a son

total failure as an employee

absolute fuckup as a parent

waste of a life

i want to die so much right now but god won't do it for me

god helps those who help themselves right?

already alone - no one to hold me - no one who can comfort me

head is a mess - thoughts keep flying around out of control

always put everyone else ahead of me and it was easy - everyone else is more important

but i'm wrung out - weight of my regrets are crushing me like a ton of rock

everytime i try to do the right thing it goes wrong - i'm a walking disaster

i just want to lay down and stop
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
sorry you're feeling this way :( try to think positively .. i know easier said than done :hug:
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#11
need help

made it to work but i hurt so damn much

i have nothing left - not here, not at home

kit is full and accessible and i don't have any more reasons not to use it
 
#12


i know its so hard at times like this
to think of things to say
and so i am going to try
to think of a poem today

i want to tell you please dont stop
i want to say live on
i want to tell you there is light
i want to say be strong

i write this little poem
just for you my dear
i hope its something to let you know
my feelings very clear

dont take your life
dont waste away
stand up and live
another day

be strong my friend
i know you can
take a deep breath
and make a new plan

................................

sorry i am not wonderful at poetry, just wrote it for you, to let you know that i took some time out of my day thinking of you, to write you a poem.

i felt like you do years ago, i tried three times to kill myself, i was in a dark place and i am so glad now that i did not succeed.

i am now married with 5 children, and although i still have times when i feel so very down, i hold my head up, take a deep breath and try another day.

i promise it will get better

bee
xxxxx
 

WildCherry

Staff member
ADMIN
#13
and no one will notice when i finally disappear
That's not true, people would notice if you were gone. I would, and I know there are others here who would too. I know we can't fix everything, or make it all okay. But we can at least be here to help you through the tough times. Hope you'll let us.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#14
i feel so completely alone

i don't have any friends

no one at work needs me

i feel so damned small and worthless right now

i'm not worth caring about

i want to take my kit and crawl into the nearest dumpster - solve all my problems at once
 

WildCherry

Staff member
ADMIN
#15
:hug: You're not worthless. I know that's how you feel right now, but it's not true. You really are worth caring about, and you don't have to do this all alone.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#16
you say that but the fact is i AM alone

no one around me understands or cares

my wife? she just gets angry at me

my boss? don't make me laugh

my friends? oh wait - i don't have any

and i don't know how to meet people or make friends any more - not that i have the time anyway

i'm so afraid of everything - i can't relax enough to breathe

i don't want to do this any more

why should i continue dying in bits and pieces when i can get it done all at once?
 
#17
I hope that sharing how I feel with you will make you feel a bit better because I am in exactly the same boat and I am hoping that we can help eachother.

For me, if people were to look at me they could easily say I am lucky, I have a job in a good company, I have a boyfriend who is very sweet when he is here and I am ok build and not so unattractive but the problem is that is not how i see things and basically i just see what is wrong so i see how i have an awkward shape and a large nose, i see that i have a boyfriend who is never here and i have no friends, i am also socially awkward and find it impossible to make friends. At work i work for a good company but i have been doing the job for four years and not going anywhere, in fact i have been there the longest, everyone has moved on to bigger and better things but not me, i have had interviews but there is always someone better than me even though i try really hard. My family are abroad and i miss my mum so much, she is the only person who I am living for, well her and my younger sisters, i dont want my mum to feel like a failure for bringing up someone who committs suicide, and it would not be a good role model for my sisters which is why i am on here, i left early today because i couldnt talk to anyone because all i wanted to do was cry, but i'm here to try to change things, one step at a time, at the moment i think the problem is its all so overwhelming, but the fact we are here means we have time, to work on one thing, one step at a time, one day at a time and i hope that i will find the strength to live and help others in our situation too. x
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#18
in order to keep my job i must come up with and document "a list if 4-5 improvement initiatives (resulting in efficiencie such as; shortened development time; reduction in processing time; improved database functionality; etc.)."

have to have this done in about 30 days now

went to manager with list of 4 - he approved 1 and gave a maybe to a second

turns out he doesn't want things that will save time a bit here and there - he wants big, in-your-face savings so he can look really good

i'm already deep in critical project testing that will take the rest of this week and a good part of the next

i was hard pressed to come up with the ideas i had and that was after i spoke to a bunch of other people who are also busy

he and his boss seem to think my task is doable - i don't believe it and neither do others who know what i'm up against

can't say what i want to do right now other than it would be fatal - i'm destined to fail anyway and am having a hard time seeing any reason to keep pretending that everything will be ok
 
#20
My friend you have depression, a few days ago I was right here saying I wanted to kill myself too, I got back to my medication and here I'm ready to live, you know? I won't tell you that the sun will soon come out, it won't come out unless you talk to a doctor, and don't kill yourself, because you want to do it to stop the pain, but when you die, there is nothing, no pain, no love, no hate, you are just plain dead, thats what do you like to do? I don't think so, try to make yourself stronger, world is lucky to have you, thats what I say to myself everyday, and its true, I feel happy when thinking that, plus try to do things you like, paint, listen to happy music you like, but killing yourself is not option, who wants you alive you might ask? I WANT!!! So do me this favour and hang in there!
 
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