I have no idea what I want to say, twenty minutes staring at the blank screen trying to figure it out. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here or what I hope to accomplish by wasting your time by you reading this. Depression has serverly hampered my ability to express myself. I don't know why but thoughts and stuff I seek, seem to be just out of reach of me, and what I do manage to get a hold of doesn't really flow. I'm not sure how to explain it any better than that, so just bear with me and hopefully I'll be able to cover all bases by the end of this post. Feel free to stop reading at anytime and just ignore me, it doesn't bother me in the least. In the middle of 2003 I fell into depression and boy did I fall. By February 2004 I had hit rock bottom and really didn't want to live anymore. By that time I had already attempted suicide twice, but with no luck. On 13th of February(friday the 13th, coincidence? I think not) I erupted into a fit of mostly self damaging rage. I didn't do anything major, just had it out with the wall...head and fists. This also happens to be the night that I'm most ashamed of. That's because I also took a golf club and threatened my mum's boyfriend(who still lives with us to this day...I still always feel awkward around him and it's been almost four years), in the process of threatening him I accidentally smashed a light. My mum called the cops, I proceeded to take a butter knife and tried to put it in a place where it doesn't belong. It didn't fit, it was too thick. Then I locked myself in the bathroom and the cops arrived. They came to the bathroom door and tried to talk to me, but I didn't say anything. Then they tried to unlock it but I was holding the lock so they couldn't. Then they proceeded to kick the door, I was leaning against it so in the end they ended up kicking a hole in it. Then they handcuffed me and took me out to the paddy wagon and talked to me. I was taken to the hospital where I waited 6 hours to talk to a psychiatrist(or at least I think he was). Then I was committed to hospital, but they put it to me in such a way that they made it seem like I had a choice to go or not, but I didn't and away I went...it was 6am by this time, I was exhausted and offered no resistance. I spent 5 weeks in hospital and did the one thing I could to survive...switch off. There was one truly crazy guy in there, everyone else in there seemed to be loud and attention seeking, the complete opposite of me. I'm very shy and absolutely hate attention. Being in there around those people made me quite anxious. The day after I got out and switched back on, everything came flooding back to me and I ended up carving 'fucked up' into my arm and almost attempted a suicide attempt. I got as far as putting the noose around my neck but couldn't bring myself to kick the step ladder out from under me...too much of a pussy. I still regret not killing myself that day. When my mum saw my arm she flipped and drove me to the ER. I didn't want to go but she said either I go with her or she's calling an ambulance. They cleaned up my arm and kept me overnight for observations because I had also consumed an excessive amount of antidepressants. Luckily they didn't send me back to the nut hut. Fast track 10 months and it's the beginning of 2005, I decided to go back to school and repeat year 12 because I had dropped out halfway through(well a bit more than halfway I only had 13 weeks left) in 2003. Actually dropping out caused my depression or maybe it was the reason I dropped out that caused it. A so called friend screwed me over by extremely humiliating me. It's too easy for people to screw me over because I'm too nice. I'm incredibly passive because I absolutely hate confrontation, which allows people to walk all over me and believe me they do and I don't stand up for myself, I have no self-confidence, self-esteem or self-worth...never have and it doesn't look like I ever will. So anyways that was the last straw so I dropped out and a whole lifetime of shit I hadn't dealt with(mainly 7 terrible years I lived through hell when I was 5-12) resurfaced and plunged me into depression. So anyways I decided to go back to school and graduate highschool so I could go to university, because that was my one and only dream. I've always loved learning and was good at school. School would be a perfect place if it didn't contain people. I didn't make it through the entire year, I dropped out again, this time 4 weeks before the final exams. I just couldn't cope with being around people. I mean they were quite nice to me and respected me because I did have two years on them, but just being around people wore me out and I was getting quite depressed again. So I basically just pissed all over my dream of going to uni and becoming a software engineer. My one and only dream gone. Who needs dreams anyway right? After I dropped out of school again(late 2005) I started seeing a psychiatrist and he put me on 375mg of efexor and 3mg of risperidone(he said it will boost the effect of the antidepressant. He never told me it was an antipsychotic). I'm still seeing him to this day. I'm not that good at talking to people, I don't like to, especially not deep and meaningful stuff, never have, never will. So most of the appointments are just him talking to me and asking me questions which I usually reply with I don't know, which I legitimately don't, because I don't know, my mind closes up and wont give me any of the information I seek when I'm there. And I also don't like saying things that I think are stupid which is a lot of things, so I don't say them. The medication I'm on keeps my mood quite stable and I rarely have any bad moments, but I never have any good either and lately I've noticed that I've been feeling worse and worse. I spent the whole of 2006 doing nothing, literally nothing. I was lucky to go out once a month and I only went out because I felt I had to, in order to keep my best friend because he would ring me up and three out of four times I would decline to do anything with him, but once a month I would always try to make an effort. It's still like this today, if he didn't ring me then I wouldn't do anything, I'm a bad friend like that. It's amazing how fast a year goes by when you're doing nothing. Time passing by is a bad thing because as each day passes I grow into a bigger and bigger loser. I'm still doing nothing with myself. I know that I need a job, need to get my license. But I can't because all those things involve talking and dealing with people and I can't do that. I can't talk to strangers it just makes me too anxious. I mean I've always been shy and talking to people has been hard, but these days it's just too hard, I can't cope with the way it makes me feel. I usually end up feeling like a fool because I get all flustered and mixed up with what I'm saying. I can't have a full on conversation with a stranger it's just too hard and awkward. And I always go over and over it in my head afterwards, which makes me feel like shit. I don't even answer the phone anymore because that's too hard. So getting a job and that is just out of the question and I don't know what to do about it. I can't discuss it with anyone, like my psychiatrist or anything because I'm too stupid to. This brings me to the point I'm at today. My life contains nothing, I have no dreams, no goals, no aspirations. Nothing in life seems worth doing. I get little to no enjoyment out of life and the little enjoyment I do get comes at too greater expense of myself. I have no energy, I sleep all day. I hate living. I'm so tired of living, so tired of having depression. I can't see a future or a change to my situation. The life train has passed me by and I can't do anything about it because I'm too stupid. I think about suicide everyday, I know exactly how I'll do it. It's just a matter of time, I know it is. It will fix everything for good. My brain works rationally and isn't hindered by all that emotional crap like it is when in deep depression, so I know this is the right thing to do. Now more than ever I desire to be dead. I still don't know what I hope to accomplish by coming here. I've lost all hope that I can overcome my problems. I hate living every moment of every day. I don't know what to do. Sorry it's long and stupid...I'm male and 20 by the way.