too stupid to think of a title

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by reSol, Jan 28, 2007.

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  1. reSol

    reSol Member

    I have no idea what I want to say, twenty minutes staring at the blank screen trying to figure it out. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here or what I hope to accomplish by wasting your time by you reading this. Depression has serverly hampered my ability to express myself. I don't know why but thoughts and stuff I seek, seem to be just out of reach of me, and what I do manage to get a hold of doesn't really flow. I'm not sure how to explain it any better than that, so just bear with me and hopefully I'll be able to cover all bases by the end of this post. Feel free to stop reading at anytime and just ignore me, it doesn't bother me in the least.

    In the middle of 2003 I fell into depression and boy did I fall. By February 2004 I had hit rock bottom and really didn't want to live anymore. By that time I had already attempted suicide twice, but with no luck. On 13th of February(friday the 13th, coincidence? I think not) I erupted into a fit of mostly self damaging rage. I didn't do anything major, just had it out with the wall...head and fists. This also happens to be the night that I'm most ashamed of. That's because I also took a golf club and threatened my mum's boyfriend(who still lives with us to this day...I still always feel awkward around him and it's been almost four years), in the process of threatening him I accidentally smashed a light. My mum called the cops, I proceeded to take a butter knife and tried to put it in a place where it doesn't belong. It didn't fit, it was too thick. Then I locked myself in the bathroom and the cops arrived. They came to the bathroom door and tried to talk to me, but I didn't say anything. Then they tried to unlock it but I was holding the lock so they couldn't. Then they proceeded to kick the door, I was leaning against it so in the end they ended up kicking a hole in it. Then they handcuffed me and took me out to the paddy wagon and talked to me. I was taken to the hospital where I waited 6 hours to talk to a psychiatrist(or at least I think he was). Then I was committed to hospital, but they put it to me in such a way that they made it seem like I had a choice to go or not, but I didn't and away I was 6am by this time, I was exhausted and offered no resistance.

    I spent 5 weeks in hospital and did the one thing I could to survive...switch off. There was one truly crazy guy in there, everyone else in there seemed to be loud and attention seeking, the complete opposite of me. I'm very shy and absolutely hate attention. Being in there around those people made me quite anxious. The day after I got out and switched back on, everything came flooding back to me and I ended up carving 'fucked up' into my arm and almost attempted a suicide attempt. I got as far as putting the noose around my neck but couldn't bring myself to kick the step ladder out from under me...too much of a pussy. I still regret not killing myself that day. When my mum saw my arm she flipped and drove me to the ER. I didn't want to go but she said either I go with her or she's calling an ambulance. They cleaned up my arm and kept me overnight for observations because I had also consumed an excessive amount of antidepressants. Luckily they didn't send me back to the nut hut.

    Fast track 10 months and it's the beginning of 2005, I decided to go back to school and repeat year 12 because I had dropped out halfway through(well a bit more than halfway I only had 13 weeks left) in 2003. Actually dropping out caused my depression or maybe it was the reason I dropped out that caused it. A so called friend screwed me over by extremely humiliating me. It's too easy for people to screw me over because I'm too nice. I'm incredibly passive because I absolutely hate confrontation, which allows people to walk all over me and believe me they do and I don't stand up for myself, I have no self-confidence, self-esteem or self-worth...never have and it doesn't look like I ever will. So anyways that was the last straw so I dropped out and a whole lifetime of shit I hadn't dealt with(mainly 7 terrible years I lived through hell when I was 5-12) resurfaced and plunged me into depression. So anyways I decided to go back to school and graduate highschool so I could go to university, because that was my one and only dream. I've always loved learning and was good at school. School would be a perfect place if it didn't contain people. I didn't make it through the entire year, I dropped out again, this time 4 weeks before the final exams. I just couldn't cope with being around people. I mean they were quite nice to me and respected me because I did have two years on them, but just being around people wore me out and I was getting quite depressed again. So I basically just pissed all over my dream of going to uni and becoming a software engineer. My one and only dream gone. Who needs dreams anyway right?

    After I dropped out of school again(late 2005) I started seeing a psychiatrist and he put me on 375mg of efexor and 3mg of risperidone(he said it will boost the effect of the antidepressant. He never told me it was an antipsychotic). I'm still seeing him to this day. I'm not that good at talking to people, I don't like to, especially not deep and meaningful stuff, never have, never will. So most of the appointments are just him talking to me and asking me questions which I usually reply with I don't know, which I legitimately don't, because I don't know, my mind closes up and wont give me any of the information I seek when I'm there. And I also don't like saying things that I think are stupid which is a lot of things, so I don't say them. The medication I'm on keeps my mood quite stable and I rarely have any bad moments, but I never have any good either and lately I've noticed that I've been feeling worse and worse.

    I spent the whole of 2006 doing nothing, literally nothing. I was lucky to go out once a month and I only went out because I felt I had to, in order to keep my best friend because he would ring me up and three out of four times I would decline to do anything with him, but once a month I would always try to make an effort. It's still like this today, if he didn't ring me then I wouldn't do anything, I'm a bad friend like that. It's amazing how fast a year goes by when you're doing nothing. Time passing by is a bad thing because as each day passes I grow into a bigger and bigger loser. I'm still doing nothing with myself. I know that I need a job, need to get my license. But I can't because all those things involve talking and dealing with people and I can't do that. I can't talk to strangers it just makes me too anxious. I mean I've always been shy and talking to people has been hard, but these days it's just too hard, I can't cope with the way it makes me feel. I usually end up feeling like a fool because I get all flustered and mixed up with what I'm saying. I can't have a full on conversation with a stranger it's just too hard and awkward. And I always go over and over it in my head afterwards, which makes me feel like shit. I don't even answer the phone anymore because that's too hard. So getting a job and that is just out of the question and I don't know what to do about it. I can't discuss it with anyone, like my psychiatrist or anything because I'm too stupid to.

    This brings me to the point I'm at today. My life contains nothing, I have no dreams, no goals, no aspirations. Nothing in life seems worth doing. I get little to no enjoyment out of life and the little enjoyment I do get comes at too greater expense of myself. I have no energy, I sleep all day. I hate living. I'm so tired of living, so tired of having depression. I can't see a future or a change to my situation. The life train has passed me by and I can't do anything about it because I'm too stupid. I think about suicide everyday, I know exactly how I'll do it. It's just a matter of time, I know it is. It will fix everything for good. My brain works rationally and isn't hindered by all that emotional crap like it is when in deep depression, so I know this is the right thing to do. Now more than ever I desire to be dead. I still don't know what I hope to accomplish by coming here. I've lost all hope that I can overcome my problems. I hate living every moment of every day. I don't know what to do.

    Sorry it's long and stupid...I'm male and 20 by the way.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What you had to say was not stupid by any means. It appeared to be very well thought out and articulate. Can you get your GED and still go to university? I know here in the US if you go to a community college and do well there the universities accept you without a high school diploma. Don't let your dreams die out. There are online classes now so you may not even have to face people, since that has become an issue with you. The experience with the hospital and what lead up to it really sounds like a nightmare. I hope you never have to go through something like that again.
    Thank you for opening up to us here on the forum. You may get some ideas that you find helpful. I do hope things improve soon. Take care. :hug:
  3. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    reSol, I've read your post, all of it, I certainly don't feel it was a waste of my time. It's not to late for you to resume your education, you can still go to university and live your dream.
    It's good that you have a psychiatrist & are receiving treatment, however it is a shame that you feel
    I'm sure if you could talk to someone you would find that helpful.
    I don't believe for a minute that you are stupid reSol, in fact I would say the opposite is true.
    It's difficult to talk to people about our problems but that doesn't make us stupid. I'm glad you have found SF and I can assure you will find lots of lovely people to talk to here!

    Take care Hazel xx
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You're not stupid at all - you're hurting, and none of us think well, or logically or practically when we're in pain and misery. Why do you feel you can't talk to your shrink? If he/she isn't helpful then maybe you should look for one who is. Not every doctor is suited to every patient. Please let us know how you are doing. We care.:smile: I care.:smile: :smile:

    love and hugs,:hug: :hug:

  5. LiberMortum

    LiberMortum Active Member

    Oh my.. First of all.. Reading that I didn't run across anything I would categorise as stupid.

    I was having a majorly hard time to talk to my shrinks, before I met the one I am visiting now. My brain went on shutdown for no apparent reason. It just didnt work. I didnt get anything out. It's still the same when I am supposed to be around random people. I get too anxious to do anything and just wanna.. Melt thru the floor and dissappear, forever.

    I like to think I know what's it like, for atleast a little in some parts..

    But yeah.. I know this wont help you. And I know you wont ever do it. What's the point right?
    BUT. If you, for some freakish twist of nature, someday feel like writing to me. About anything. ANYTHING. Please do pm me.

    I'm here to listen no matter what it is about.
  6. reSol

    reSol Member

    Thanks to you all for replying to my post. You all seem caring. I get nervous and uncomfortable posting on a forum, because I care too much about what people have to say, which leaves me open to getting damaged. But you're all nice, quite like I expected, but still the fear was there.

    I don't know if I still hold the passion, the desire to go to university anymore. Nothing seems like a worthwhile venture. And I'm pretty sure that for my course the only way I can get in is from getting a good tertiary entrance score, which would mean I'd have to repeat year 12 again and finish. It just seems like it's passed me by, which sucks because I worked hard my whole school life to pull good grades, only to have it be all fucked up by some pricks. Sometimes I just think that with everything that's been and done, that I'm just not meant to succeed in anything, especially not life.

    I'm just not that very good at it. Things that I want to say to him don't come to my head when I'm in there and the stuff that does come to my head I usually think is stupid. I absolutely hate saying stupid things, so if I think something is stupid, I wont say it. I don't want to make a fool of myself. I've thought about writing stuff down and giving that to my shrink, but I feel that will make me feel too stupid. Which is stupid in itself, by thinking like that. I'm also not good at asking for help. I think I'm just wasting my shrinks time. I know that overcoming my problems is all down to me, but I just can't seem to do it. It sucks too, everyone else seems to be able to get on with their lives with ease, but I can't. I'm stuck trying to put in the hard yards to overcome my problems that were caused by other people in the first place. It's just not fair...and they expect me to live.

    That's exactly the way I feel.

    I don't think I could get another shrink, it seems too scary.
  7. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    I read all of your post and not a thing was stupid. Everyone has issues in their life. I can relate to some of the things you are saying, im lucky that i dont have a problem facing people, but sometimes i do fall over my words and make myself feel like a pratt. Its important that you know alot of people do have that kind of problem. Im not really sure what to say to help, I just wanted you to know that you are communicating with people, and words written can be a powerful way of doing that.

    You could try and set yourself goals. Like maybe answering the phone one day, it only has to be once. see how you get on. If you feel that you didnt do it well, put ur energy into giving urself constructive critism. Ask how u can improve it, and then when feel ready try it again. And try to build it up to maybe going out a bit more.

    I jus want to say big *hugs

    Im seeing a counsellor and had the same fears that you do. I felt stupid for feeling what i did, and that se would just think i was wasting her time. But i let it all out, and she was able to suggest reason for my feelings. And i realised i wasnt being stupid, that wwhat i feel is recognised. I know that this is just m experience, but i wanted to share it with you so you know you arent alone and nothing is ever stupid xx
  8. LiberMortum

    LiberMortum Active Member

    Stop talking about me o_O This is creepy -.- *huggies*
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