Too tired to try anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dylan, Dec 15, 2010.

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  1. Dylan

    Dylan Member

    So after three+ years of treatment for major depressive disorder, PTSD and anxiety, three suicide attempts, a stint in the psych ward, a regimen of a mad laundry list of anti-depressant meds, CBT and anything else I can think of to remove the near constant suicidal thoughts, I quit. Can't do it anymore.

    It's difficult to find a shrink who'll both take on new *ahem* customers and my insurance, and the one I've been seeing says essentially I'm a hopeless case and that electroconvulsive therapy is the only possible thing that will help. Maybe, maybe not, based on what I've been reading about it. The pros are all for it; real people with real problems seem split about 50/50 between it helping and actually making things worse. I'm not willing to take that chance.

    So, just wanted to get this written down somewhere. Haven't set a date, though it'll be after Christmas. I only hope that my son is strong like his mommy and will be as well-adjusted as possible down the road. I'm pretty sure his life will be worse off with a cold, distant, depressed father than without one at all. I know I would have been.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your child life will be changed he will not be strong he will never understand he will always question why you didn't fight to stay for him You will pass on the tendancy for suicide to your son do you want that for him You cannot have tried all the meds out there There are new ones even today not here yet that can be tried in the future saphris for one ambilify and more.
    Do not pass your pain on to your child and wife Keep fighting for them if not for you He will need his dad here i am telling you this from a heart that did not have one please stay strong
  3. Dylan

    Dylan Member

    Thanks Violet. I should probably be completely honest and state that I realize it's selfish of me to do this. Selfish because I'm not strong, clear-headed and forward-thinking. Selfish because it would cause pain to not only my son and wife, but my mother, father, friends.

    But such an un-ordinary reality has taken over everything that I just don't care, sad, stupid and selfish as that sounds. I'm constantly haunted by thoughts of self-harm, methods, details best left off this board...

    In my mind, even though there's an iota left that really knows better, it seems the world around me would be better off in the long run. It's hard to articulate, more difficult to feel.

    And here I am gushing this stuff out and I have to give a presentation to a group of people in this Death Star-looking conference room in 15 minutes. And what am I working on? My suicide note.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i say everyone would be better off without me just a distorted thought one gets with depression. You know as well as i the pain they will suffer and yes selfish but when one is so deep in depression nothing matters
    I hope you see you doc soon get on new meds okay time to change things up a bit. Rip up the suicide note and write note to your doc telling him you need help NOW> i do understand the thought but that is what it is a distorted though and i too have fought this battle many times
  5. Dylan

    Dylan Member

    Successful meeting somehow...

    Anyway. Thanks again. But I've made up my mind. This is years in the making and I will soak in the holidays with my family and dwell on the memories as I'm slipping off.
  6. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    You sayed you tried everything but are you shure?
    From, what i see and tested a bit myself the mental therapies are pretty rough. Its like lieing to much in bed when ill, it does harm on its own.
    I only get ill by the chemical modifications alone as your body has to adapt yet again to them too and they dont do only good, on the contrary.
    Are you shure you cant to anything for yourself?
    Maybe get a vacation or something and deal lather with the problems, I mean its your life and your kids parent you are talking about, its worth every debt and investment, would be sad to give up, I really dont trust docs from experience, so maybe am exaggerating but there is a good chance you may find help somewhere compelatly different especially cause its life issues rather than genetics.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't get it you have a kid yet your love for that child is not as important as you Your child welfare your child happiness depression is treatable go get it treated and save your child a life time of hell.
  8. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    Violet is right! No one can replace a dad. You may not feel important but you ARE. After so many years of struggle, I know you're tired and to want to quit, but please don't give up yet. - if not for yourself, for your son. You are never a 'hopeless case'. PM me anytime HUGGGGGS
  9. Well-Known Member

    My son read a book yesterday titled "What Dads Can't Do" that has a fitting passage at the end:

    "There are so many things that dads can't do it's a wonder they make it through life at all. but dads can't give up. No matter how tired a dad gets, or how hard life gets, a dad never quits."
  10. Dylan

    Dylan Member

    A couple of things you guys wrote helped. I can't say I feel too much better, but I ain't dead yet. And I actually felt something resembling happiness last night - I put together my three-year-old's drum kit he's getting from Santa and when I was done, I thought about how happy it was going to make him. And I SMILED. Forgot what that felt like... I think I might have sprained a face muscle.
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