Too weak to change

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BarbiGirl, Oct 7, 2010.

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  1. BarbiGirl

    BarbiGirl New Member

    I'm new here, and new to these feelings.

    I've changed in the last year, and I don't like who I've become, and nobody else does either. I'm living with my best friends, but I don't have anything in common with them anymore, I don't feel like they want me around. I feel so alone. I feel like I've driven them away.
    I hate who I've become.
    but I'm not strong enough to change myself.

    I believe that any and all change is possible. You just have to gain control over your thoughts and your mindset.
    I can't seem to get a handle on them.

    Its not that things are so bad for me that I don't see any other options, I just don't think I'm strong enough to be the person I want to be. Old habits and old ways of thinking die hard. Or don't die at all. I don't think I can change myself.

    I want to start over. I want a clean slate.
    I'm just too rational and logical and "cause-and-effect" thinking to actually do anything.
    Chances are, I'd fail, and then I'd have more problems than I started off with.

    So here I am, still lying in bed at 1:30 in the afternoon, thinking about how I just want to lie here and rot.
    I hate that I'm thinking like this, that I'm allowing myself to have these thoughts. I hate that I feel so alone, when I'm the one who pushed everyone away. I hate that I can't just Choose to feel better. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I'm in this forum at all.
    I don't have any legitimate reason for feeling like this. I grew up in a 1950's sitcom, both parents under the same roof loving me. I feel like I'm just weak, a wimp. That I'm just choosing to feel like this because I want the attention.
    I have this ping-pong game going on in my head, bouncing back and forth between "what I feel is real and I need help" and "you're just weak and attention seeking"

    Please help. I feel so lost.

    PS Admin, you can move this to a more appropriate forum if it belongs elsewhere
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Barbigirl, Welcome to the forums.. You don't have to be ashamed for being here.. There are some really nice people here.. Have you sat down and talked to your friends about how your feeling?? If they are true friends they will try and help.. You should seek prefessional help.. Go see a pdoc and let him work on why your feeling this way.. Or try a therapist.. In my opinion the therapist will help more than a pdoc..They get you to lay it all out there and work on straightening out one problem at a time.. I wish you the best!! Take care and stay strong!!
  3. BarbiGirl

    BarbiGirl New Member

    Thanks. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, but I still haven't found a therapist that meets my needs. The one that I've been seeing I don't feel listens to me, she doesn't take notes or offer advice, and she confuses me with other patients. I don't feel like she cares enough to pay attention. I spend most of the time clarifying who's who in my life. Which is really frustrating. So in the meantime, i feel like I'm just on my own. I feel like I'm just surviving, not living.

    I hate to admit it, but the most recent straw was my boyfriend and i broke up last night. I don't want to be that girl who breaks when she gets dumped, but with all of the unpleasant feelings i had b4 last night, breaking up sucked. I was already feeling insecure and irrational, and now I feel insecure, irrational, and unloved, or unlovable.
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