tooo much.. its all too much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lav11, May 30, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    someone on another website called the police yesterday and told the workers about me haveing (method)..they know i made an attempt and have been sexually abused and everything.. which of course freaked me out.

    last night i got forced to take medication because i became really distressed at the idea of everyone knowing about the abuse and almost got taken to hospital quite a few times and i wasnt allowed to go for a walk or have 5 minutes privacy

    ... My counsellor aso took a stab at assuming ive been abused recently abused because she was speaking about how i was doing really well after i moved away from my mothers then all of a sudden im not doing too good again... she then asked if id seen my mother recently and i said yeah, counsellor asked how seeing her was and i said "same as always, nothings ever going to change, the second i got there she said that we had to go see ......" Counsellor then asked if id seen (abuser) lately and i just said i dunno knowing she figured it out .. she then asked if anyone has physically hurt me recently again i said i dunno.. i stated disassociating and then something made a bang sound and i jumped really badly... Sigh i felt so pathetic the one secret i cant tell anyone and ive given it away.. i couldve just said no, that no-one had hurt me recently but i cant even do that.. Counsellor said that she couldnt help me unless i told her everything or at least just gave her something to work with so she could help me and all i could say was ill get in trouble... :facepalm: ill get in trouble.. thats the best bloody thing i could say.. thats virtually just telling her to tell the cops or child protection.. uggh such an idiot! cant just say one little lie and pretend everything is fine

    i dont care anymore.. i just feel so empty, everyone knows how disguisting i am now, they all know that ive been abused and how weak i am.. the one thing i didnt want everyone knowing.. I cant live like this.. i dont want to ! im not going to be drugged again so i fall asleep so i physically cant attempt. I chose to attempt last night and its only because the medication put me to sleep that i didnt.. i just i dont want to anymore.. I want to attempt soo bad :blub:
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    You're not weak or disgusting. The person who abused you is weak and disgusting. You can't blame yourself. It is not your fault.
  3. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    it all feels like its my fault :blub:

    i need to attempt, i dont know what else to do at the moment, everything i look at is a method, ive been given medication a few hours ago in an attempt to sedate me but its only half of what i usually take and its not doing anything.. i feel like im not myself. i want help. i need help but i cant, i just need to attempt.. everything else i try to do just sounds stupid unless it leaves me with a chance to die..

    i want things to change, and i want things to be better. but it seems so stupid to think that ever going to happen to a person like me. The drugs are makeing me sleepy i want them too make me go to sleep but then i dont, i dont want the drugs to prevent me from attempting,

    I just wish everyone could see how hard this is for me right now, how the very act of breathing is killing me, how i dont want to take a breath. I want theem to see how the only thing i can think of is when he will touch me next, they say they see my pain, see how im hurting but i dont think anyone really does, if they did they would just allow me to die.

    the workers tell me i need to help them help me and its true, but what they cant see is the threats ive been told behind why i cant tell them. I beg that i just can tell them something, something so they step in and stop him from doing it again but i never can.

    M T figured it out yesterday, and she asked and all i could say as i dunno and that i cant cause ill get in trouble. Why didnt i say more??!?!?! i want to blurt everything out, its killin m literally by keeping it all in.. i want to tell them, i want someone to stop this so i can have some form of hope that i wont be touched again by the end of the bloody week just the rest of this week..

    I need to open up or end all of this but i cant open up and i want to attempt to get though this but im just so :blub:

    i dont know how to hang on..
  4. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew what to say to help you. I know how bad you feel and you don't deserve that pain. Just know that it is not your fault at all, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. How could you possibly think it was your fault? You didn't do anything wrong. People who abuse others do it because there is something wrong with them. You're an innocent victim of their twisted behavior. The person who abused you deserves to suffer, but you don't. You deserve to find safety and comfort away from your abuser.

    I know how scary it is to try to tell someone. My stepfather physically abused me and sexually abused my sister for years, and we never had the courage to tell anybody. We were both so afraid of him and what he would do to us if we told somebody what was going on. My sister did finally tell one of her friends, and her friend went to the authorities. They came in that day and made sure that our stepfather never laid a hand on us again. In fact, I never even saw him again. That was 18 years ago. I don't know how the law works there, but if it is the same as here, they can protect you. I know you're afraid. That doesn't make you weak, you have every right to be afraid. But I hope you are able to tell somebody who can help you, because you don't deserve to suffer like that.

    Know that we are here for you. Nothing that has happened to you is your fault, even if it feels like it is - it's not. You are innocent. I am wishing you luck and I hope you find the courage to let somebody help you. Please don't blame yourself or give up on yourself.
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I am confused so please don't take my question or comments the wrong way, I am simply trying to understand. First, my comment is that you cannot be helped until you actually reveal everything that is wrong. Without doing so, it is like having a stomach ache and going to the medical doctor and saying, "I have a pain," but not telling him where the pain is. Now what I am gathering that you're saying here is that you are afraid to reveal the truth because someone could get in trouble for it and if they do, you fear what they may do to you. If that is the case, how can death be the solution? NOTHING is worse than dying, since from it there is no coming back. That being the case too, then even your fears of reprecautions of revealing the truth can certainly not be as bad as the ultimate goodbye. Again, if I am incorrect or out of place, forgive me. The purpose of posting on here, I think, is to obtain opinions and feedback. From the replies and responses, you can take what is good and discard what is not. My intentions are to be helpful. My goal is to see you resolve and find wellness.
  6. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys

    ive seen my T a bunch of times this week and last time we met i ended up haveing a massive breakdown and flashbacks.. She asked me shookwhere my head was and i shook my head no. She asked me if i was very far in the past as in years ago again i said no she asjed again where my head was at.. At what momebt in time i was ar cause i certainly wasbt in the present.. I told her last week... She asked how long this had been happeninf and i told her for a few weeksnow.. She went on about how i needed to get it out in the opeb. That i needed to tell someone. I questioned about her telling simeone abd she said she couldbt say if she would hve to tell or not because she doesnt know what i will tell exactly... I get the sense that if i tell her a name place or time she will tell somwone as she usually says its unlikely she would have to tell someone.. I guess its different now she knows somethings been happening recently..

    Im not sure if i want to say more cause i have a high suspicion that she will be required tsay something but even the tiny bit ive told her so Far has been a massive relief. I tried telling her more but i froze up and yeah.. But hopefully i can say more next time and get it off my chesy. Itd probs only do good if she did report it anyhow..

    Child services here are really bodgy so they probs wouldnt do anything anyways.. But yeah.. Not much.more the guys cab do to me that they or im not doing to myself anyways hopefully... Kinda worried if they found out and really really hurt me like teyve done before when i first spoke to child services but yeah i guess what happens happens...

    But yeah had suspions one of the guys would do something tomorrow an i told her about tgat so shes put in a few temporary safety measures to stop that happening guess i can just wait and see if they work without me opening up anymore about times or nanes or anything in te mean time ..

    Brilliant if the safety measures work without haveing to report it to the cops or someonw :)
    Any luck ill make it tote next session attempt free and be able to open up .. If it were only that easy though..
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.