Hey there..
All my life, I wonder and wonder if I should even be born in the first place because the more I think of life, the more I feel like dying. I am not able to pretend to smile and ignore my depression no more. I have been depressed all my life, probably since I was 8 or 9. It is a long story and it has become so severe now I am not sure if I can last any longer. I was born 'abnormal' - kind of delusional and born with ADHD (which is not discovered and diagnosed until two years ago) and so my folks have always considered me a burden and often punish me physically and verbally for my 'misbehavior'. They knew it well that I was abnormal though, yet they never really try to help me. They send me to a psychiatrist when I was 8 but then they stop after some time for a reason only they know. So my problem remains yet I was ignorant of it, unaware, I just go on with my life yet I don't realize most of the time that I was acting weird.
My folks only tells me off and curse me with harsh words or even beat me when I didn't do well in my studies or whenever I misbehave in school (but they know I am abnormal). In spite of that, I was a seemingly cheerful person and often act cartoonish. Though I have some friends but people often see me as a loner who loves to laugh about for nothing and make annoying jokes, even some teachers’ notice I talk to myself and some even make fun of me. I often got into lots of fight too. Though I admit I was restless and like making trouble in school, I have to say I didn't want to do it but I couldn't control the hyperactivity in me so I just could not sit still and do my work like others, I remember well, mum and dad always have reasons to punish me one way or another. They like calling me an idiot, that they should just give up on me and maybe I should just drop out of school and work as a janitor since I am not study material.
The thing is I don’t get extremely poor results, usually slightly below average. But they want me to make them proud and expect me to get an ‘A’ all the time. I was too naïve to understand that I was having personality disorders and stuff, all I know is I couldn’t sit still and have this urge to talk a lot and walk around all the time and since I don’t have many friends I often talk to myself and hallucinate a lot. I have an ‘alternate life’, where I am another person completely. If my folks notice I hallucinate, they will yell at me and tell me to stop or I will be severely punished for that. That’s basically how my years in school are like. And things got worst as I got into secondary school, I become even weirder and most people avoid me in school, they think I am a psycho or something. I also have multiple behaviors then which scares people because it’s extremely abnormal I guess.
Even in secondary school, my folks treat me just the same. My dad lost his job a few times because of his hot temper and ego and has been unemployed since 1999. He is too old now to get a job, so he is kind of retired I guess so. These three years is the worse so far, and I doubt it will be any better next year. I slump even deeper into my depression when I was diagnosed with Scoliosis and Hyperkyhosis about 2½ years ago - a rare combination of two spinal disorders.
It affects my health generally – both physically and physiologically. Even though I am stronger now and no longer afraid of my folks, I once threaten them I will leave home and never see them again and I don’t care if they disown me and so they act as if anything has happened in the past but then I couldn’t forgive them for what they did all these years and the fact that they are treating my little brother the same, tells me they never repent, yet I couldn’t help him coz he will not listen to me.
I am sorry for the long email but I guess there is so much more I want to say. My so-called friends will not help, they like to think only I have to listen to them and they needn’t care about me at all. I seriously feel like giving up. It’s just ridiculous to even think of life now, I mean, if there are people committing suicide because of their broken family or failing in their studies, why do I even want to live..? I don’t know but in a way I am finding ways to help myself, only thing is, I feel like I am just passing through, and one day I won’t be able to deny this no more. I am still living my alternate life coz its apart of me now, I can’t stop or I won’t live for another second.
I am not sure if all these actually make any sense but then yeah…it’s my life.
P.S: If I am to go on and on, I think I will never finish talking coz there is really too much to talk about, I only hope this will help…
All my life, I wonder and wonder if I should even be born in the first place because the more I think of life, the more I feel like dying. I am not able to pretend to smile and ignore my depression no more. I have been depressed all my life, probably since I was 8 or 9. It is a long story and it has become so severe now I am not sure if I can last any longer. I was born 'abnormal' - kind of delusional and born with ADHD (which is not discovered and diagnosed until two years ago) and so my folks have always considered me a burden and often punish me physically and verbally for my 'misbehavior'. They knew it well that I was abnormal though, yet they never really try to help me. They send me to a psychiatrist when I was 8 but then they stop after some time for a reason only they know. So my problem remains yet I was ignorant of it, unaware, I just go on with my life yet I don't realize most of the time that I was acting weird.
My folks only tells me off and curse me with harsh words or even beat me when I didn't do well in my studies or whenever I misbehave in school (but they know I am abnormal). In spite of that, I was a seemingly cheerful person and often act cartoonish. Though I have some friends but people often see me as a loner who loves to laugh about for nothing and make annoying jokes, even some teachers’ notice I talk to myself and some even make fun of me. I often got into lots of fight too. Though I admit I was restless and like making trouble in school, I have to say I didn't want to do it but I couldn't control the hyperactivity in me so I just could not sit still and do my work like others, I remember well, mum and dad always have reasons to punish me one way or another. They like calling me an idiot, that they should just give up on me and maybe I should just drop out of school and work as a janitor since I am not study material.
The thing is I don’t get extremely poor results, usually slightly below average. But they want me to make them proud and expect me to get an ‘A’ all the time. I was too naïve to understand that I was having personality disorders and stuff, all I know is I couldn’t sit still and have this urge to talk a lot and walk around all the time and since I don’t have many friends I often talk to myself and hallucinate a lot. I have an ‘alternate life’, where I am another person completely. If my folks notice I hallucinate, they will yell at me and tell me to stop or I will be severely punished for that. That’s basically how my years in school are like. And things got worst as I got into secondary school, I become even weirder and most people avoid me in school, they think I am a psycho or something. I also have multiple behaviors then which scares people because it’s extremely abnormal I guess.
Even in secondary school, my folks treat me just the same. My dad lost his job a few times because of his hot temper and ego and has been unemployed since 1999. He is too old now to get a job, so he is kind of retired I guess so. These three years is the worse so far, and I doubt it will be any better next year. I slump even deeper into my depression when I was diagnosed with Scoliosis and Hyperkyhosis about 2½ years ago - a rare combination of two spinal disorders.
It affects my health generally – both physically and physiologically. Even though I am stronger now and no longer afraid of my folks, I once threaten them I will leave home and never see them again and I don’t care if they disown me and so they act as if anything has happened in the past but then I couldn’t forgive them for what they did all these years and the fact that they are treating my little brother the same, tells me they never repent, yet I couldn’t help him coz he will not listen to me.
I am sorry for the long email but I guess there is so much more I want to say. My so-called friends will not help, they like to think only I have to listen to them and they needn’t care about me at all. I seriously feel like giving up. It’s just ridiculous to even think of life now, I mean, if there are people committing suicide because of their broken family or failing in their studies, why do I even want to live..? I don’t know but in a way I am finding ways to help myself, only thing is, I feel like I am just passing through, and one day I won’t be able to deny this no more. I am still living my alternate life coz its apart of me now, I can’t stop or I won’t live for another second.
I am not sure if all these actually make any sense but then yeah…it’s my life.
P.S: If I am to go on and on, I think I will never finish talking coz there is really too much to talk about, I only hope this will help…