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torn between the wish and the duty

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by morfea, Oct 12, 2009.

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  1. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    i'm not sure where to put this, I know I won't kill myself but I'm just so exausted...it's been 9 months now that depression has come back and I can't understand it any more...is there someone who's had the same experience, who's been with this wish since childhood and attempted to die when not yet a teenager, and torn between wanting to die and the duty towards others almost all their life?...some say you have to want to be better, just make that first step and move yourself...that's the problem, i really don't wish to live any more, after more then 40 yrs of this i just don't want it any more... but i must endure it coz my kids didn't ask to be born, like i didn't, and i do have to fulfil that responsability to them, just have to stay alive for them...only would like to make life a little bit easier, stop crying every day for no reason, stop that pain in my chest...4 months that i've been takin meds and nothing's improved, so many books about psichology i read and i still can't understand wth is wrong with me?...i know i did some terrible things in my life but for the past few yrs i changed so much, i give love and forgive everyone, even my parents who abused me in a way i tried first suicide when i was 12, and 3 times more while i lived with them...but i realize that it's the past and can't be changed, and i do beleive they did their best as they knew, they did a lot of wrong but not intentionally, so i forgive them...i don't want to leave my children while they're still with me but this has become terribly exhausting...i don't want anything material, not better job, not more money, not new car, but i do want peace in me, and someone who could understand this
  2. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I know about this exhaustion, life fatigue, since I was very little. It's chronic depression, major depression, whatever they call it. You built yourself on it. I've been depressed that way for almost 20 years now. I've been in severe depression and anxiety for 6 months, I've been at home. Therapy and meds help somehow. To hold on. To what I don't know.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hold on because there are new medication out so many new ones to try for hard to treat depression Talk to your doctor and see if your medication can be changed to the newer ones out there ones with less side effect. There are new ones on the market not even in the states or canada yet so please talk to your doctor and try them it could be something that will help ease the pain.
    Your deserve peace and happiness and i am glad you have your children as they can bring joy when nothing else can. try new medication
  4. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    thank you for your replies...I will talk to my doctor...I guess I'm just not used to question their judgment, had thought of it before but didn't ask yet...
    writing here and getting replies from people who have similar experiences helps a lot...don't feel so alone any more
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    A lot of people have to try different medications before they find what works for them. Don't worry about it as it is not unusual. I raised my children through depression, I don't know how but I did. I consider that one hell of an accomplishment. I created a family meeting guide to have in one place the things that were important to me to teach my kids. It served as a reminder to me so I wouldn't forget stuff for too long.

    Keep posting here, it will help and we'll help you through it.

  6. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Could you tell a bit more about that family meeting guide Chargette?
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