Torn in two.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacob91, Mar 7, 2008.

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  1. Jacob91

    Jacob91 Member

    I'm sure, it's not just me either.

    I don't have any hope of anything meaningful left in life.

    It seems it's the same with so many of you,
    And all your pain feels so real to me,
    And all of that real pain is another burden on me,
    For some reason, I push responsibility on myself.

    But there are people who I care about. I can't leave them.

    I don't have the heart to tell them that it kills me inside every time they kiss someone else. Such privileges I was denied. Any hope of every having a functional relationship dashed because of such isolation in early life.

    And I've tortured myself for nine years, trying to improve myself.
    For what? Now that I analyze it, nothing ever gets better. Just gets demoted priority.

    It's a waste of time, you'll never move forward, you'll never be the same.
    You'll never really find what you're looking for. You'll never undo the past.

    That's what my conscience is saying. I can't accept it, because denial is so much easier. Denial keeps me trying to improve myself.

    But what the fuck for? I've been FIGHTING, clutching at straws, torturing myself, for most of my life. I haven't got ANYTHING out of it. I've fucked every relationship up, and I've fucked up my capacity to ever have a functional relationship.

    You can have everything in the world to one person, but if your perspective turns somber then you can be JUST as unhappy as anyone else.

    Which is why, I've decided. Maybe it's time to abandon everything I've dreamed and bled and fought and protected and believed in for the past 9 years.

    I feel like such a hypocrite, opening up all these repressed emotions to everyone. Yet your pain is so real to me to. I wish I could be your scapegoat, so that you'd maybe feel better, but then again, maybe I just want to feel better. Maybe I just want to be loved.

    I've told myself there are things left to live for. Because I'm in denial. The truth is far more than I can ever face.
  2. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    Jacob, :hug: ..

    I understand every single thing you're saying..

    The pain we all feel here is no responsibility of yours though, please do realise that. I, too, have fought all my life just to be left with nothing at all, maybe less than I thought I could ever possibly be left with. And I understand and can relate to the feeling that there is no energy left to time and time again pick yourself up, not knowing what for. I do not want to tell you I've got the answers, because I dont. But this place here is like something to hold on, so many arms that are reaching out that I feel I am not yet gonna fall. I dont know if this place can safe me, if it can safe you. But please do stick around because here, sometimes you do get the feeling we're all worth it x
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi jacob

    it's not time to abandon your hopes and dreams... it's just the sadness talking, trying to convince you to give up. 9 years is a long time to feel so sad, but it can get better. you probablly have tried many things, but there is always something new to help challenge those negative patterns and thoughts. we'll be here for you as you keep on this journey,
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    hi Jacob,

    i agree with so much of what you say. I understand that split.
    But there is so much more to fight for, im sure of it.
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