I'm sure, it's not just me either. I don't have any hope of anything meaningful left in life. It seems it's the same with so many of you, And all your pain feels so real to me, And all of that real pain is another burden on me, For some reason, I push responsibility on myself. But there are people who I care about. I can't leave them. I don't have the heart to tell them that it kills me inside every time they kiss someone else. Such privileges I was denied. Any hope of every having a functional relationship dashed because of such isolation in early life. And I've tortured myself for nine years, trying to improve myself. For what? Now that I analyze it, nothing ever gets better. Just gets demoted priority. It's a waste of time, you'll never move forward, you'll never be the same. You'll never really find what you're looking for. You'll never undo the past. That's what my conscience is saying. I can't accept it, because denial is so much easier. Denial keeps me trying to improve myself. But what the fuck for? I've been FIGHTING, clutching at straws, torturing myself, for most of my life. I haven't got ANYTHING out of it. I've fucked every relationship up, and I've fucked up my capacity to ever have a functional relationship. You can have everything in the world to one person, but if your perspective turns somber then you can be JUST as unhappy as anyone else. Which is why, I've decided. Maybe it's time to abandon everything I've dreamed and bled and fought and protected and believed in for the past 9 years. I feel like such a hypocrite, opening up all these repressed emotions to everyone. Yet your pain is so real to me to. I wish I could be your scapegoat, so that you'd maybe feel better, but then again, maybe I just want to feel better. Maybe I just want to be loved. I've told myself there are things left to live for. Because I'm in denial. The truth is far more than I can ever face.