Torn right now, take care of melanoma or let it kill me

[agateaqua]

Hi all.
I posted this earlier but I guess I didn't express myself correctly . I'm pretty much sure I have a node melanoma (a new small hard dark new lump on an existing old pale mole)
From what I read node melanoma kills the fastest , within 3 months, possibly as quick as 6 weeks. I discovered this about 2 weeks ago .

I'm torn right now. I want this, this is what I've wanted for more then 10 years at least , but so why am I unsure?
Off course first off all there are my loved ones (including my 9 year old son) who I'd leave behind.
There are still things I wish to do , but mostly I feel worried nothing will improve in my life. Read below why

My son lives in Europe (I'm in the us ) with his father, and I'm worried he'll never want to live here.
I'm half dutch moved here reluctantly 20 years ago with my parent at the time.
its just my mom and brother here. If something happens to my mom I'd die anyway , I'd be here alone with just my brother.
We both don't have lives , though we live in the same house (set up 20 years ago by parents), and I hate it honestly, even though I could never move out
for various reasons. I will just continue to be lonely and depressed, stuck in a rut.

I'm trying to find any reason to live (I know my son) but I'm struggling. He's happy with his dad and some things happened 2 years ago that
I'm still not oke with. He was staying here for the summer and my abusive ex pushed me to punish him for little things. I should have walked away
from the situation but I allowed it , and he even yelled a few times at my son. The relationship between me and my son has been strained since.
It just doesn't feel right since . He smiles at me and such but I still feel it's not the same.

I'm stuck with no social life as well , and limited job options because of it , because of social anxiety .
I don't know ,what to do ?

 

[KM76710]

I would get things checked out first so you know what you are dealing with for a certainty before deciding anything.

 

[Nick]

You're unsure because you know doing nothing isn't the right call. Frankly being excited about something that people are battling their lives for is a slap in the face. You don't even know what you have going on, except with google told you. Dr. Google isn't as smart as people think. Go get yourself checked out. Deal with your medical problems.

Your child needs your no matter where they live. Parents make mistakes, your kid is 9, you have lots of time to repair that. As for jobs with social anxiety, there are options out there, more than ever now with all the work from home jobs. You can work on the things driving your depression, but you have to alive to do that.

 

[KindaOtiose]

Hi. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment. I'm not going to touch on the melanoma too much, but Nick is right - you should definitely get it checked out.

I know how much social anxiety sucks and how it can negatively affect your social life, however, you don't have to be resigned to not being able to get a job or not being able to have a fulfilling social life. As Nick pointed out above, there are jobs that you can do, even with social anxiety, such as remote jobs or even jobs that don't require much social interaction (night shift security guard, cleaner etc. etc.). It is also possible to deal with your social anxiety, whether that requires medication or counseling. Your son is still only young and there is plenty of time to be able to repair your relationship with him.

Have you ever sought treatment for your depression or social anxiety? Maybe this could help.

It is possible for you to achieve a happy life and if you don't seek medical treatment, and you do have melanoma, you are robbing yourself of the chance for things to get better for you. I hope you can feel better soon. Sending hugs .

 

[Walker]

People feeling bad and depressed suddenly seems very different when faced with a lethal diagnosis. People are depressed or feel suicidal but then get cancer and race to treatment because -- they realize they want to live. And quite often come out of the other side of that much stronger because there is perspective in that. The others are right, waiting out having your condition checked out isn't a great call. At least if you know what you're dealing with you can make an informed decision.
Otherwise, your son is pretty young. A 7 year old probably isn't holding much of a grudge over something that happened now that he's 9. Are you sure that's the link? The more contact you guys have together the more that summer will be gone from his memory and replaced by better memories of you. Trust me, he's not going to be permanently scarred by some yelling when he was 7 over a few months in the summertime. If you feel like this is an actual issue you can have an upfront conversation with him about it. Be honest and say you were in a bad place or made some bad decisions. Kids understand that. Then move on from it because people screw up and you don't "owe him" more than that over something you can't change. He's going to screw up plenty in his life also, we're all screwing up.
You sound like you feel trapped in your living arrangements. Do you want to say more about that?

 

[agateaqua]

I still haven't called the Drs. I want to ,but then I don't . I wish I could put this melanoma, if it is that, on a shelf for another time when the time is right. Right now me dying would destroy my poor mom and son.
But yet I can't bring myself to call

I'm not working atm , but "stuydying" trying to gain enough front-end developer knowledge that I could possibly find work it that as it's remote, but I absolutely h-a-t-e it . It was my only choice because of the stupid social anxiety , but in another life I would have never considered it.
Thanks for all the replies btw , I means a lot to me

 

[agateaqua]

I feel I will have to take care of this. I own two rentals and so does my mom. If something happens to me , my mom may pass much quicker and my brother is useless at taking care of anything. So then I have to worry about my sons inheritance if that won't be screwed up. Never mind that my poor son and ex would have to rush here from Europe to help sort things out , if that's even possible now.
So , no choice

 

[KindaOtiose]

I'm not working atm , but "stuydying" trying to gain enough front-end developer knowledge that I could possibly find work it that as it's remote, but I absolutely h-a-t-e it . It was my only choice because of the stupid social anxiety , but in another life I would have never considered it.

It's great you are working towards a job, however why did you decide to learn front-end development if you hate it that much? Maybe you could try back-end development, which is often better if you aren't a creative-type person. On top of that, a lot of skills from front-end development are transferable to back-end development; once you learn one programming language, it is much easier to learn another. Maybe this would be more enjoyable for you?

 

[BlueGreen]

I feel I will have to take care of this. I own two rentals and so does my mom. If something happens to me , my mom may pass much quicker and my brother is useless at taking care of anything. So then I have to worry about my sons inheritance if that won't be screwed up. Never mind that my poor son and ex would have to rush here from Europe to help sort things out , if that's even possible now.
So , no choice

I'm glad you have come to that decision @agateaqua . My husband is now looking at his third melanoma and it may not be the quick and easy exit you think it is. They do grow very fast, scary fast but then they will get in your nodes and spread around the body. Quite apart from that, your son needs you and as others have said, he really won't hold a grudge at his age. Alive, you can change and repair your relationship. But please, don't wait any longer to get seen. Hope it works out for you