i don't want to die. i'm not ready to. there's still so much i want to do. and it would be so selfish of me to do it. but the idea haunts me. i want to get out of this down. i can't find a way out. i want to escape it forever. just stop feeling this way. closing my eyes and just falling sleep sounds so easy. and i'll never have to feel this way again. i just need to swallow a couple more than i need. it'll stop the pain. i just need to take a few more than what's recommended, then i'll fall asleep faster. and i'll forget about all that i'm feeling. but i'm not ready to. not yet. but i want to. and i'm torn.