Torn

[Aleth]

Isn't it strange, standing on the edge of the abyss, looking death in the eye, to realise how terrified you are? Walking on the path to suicide, planning, winding up my affairs, was comforting in a way. You fear life so run to death, and face it and realise its just as terrifying. And then you have nowhere left to run, fear rules, fear of life on one side, fear of death on the other.

Sorry, I just wanted to give voice to my feelings somewhere.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Hopefully is may of helped you some what. It's good to voice your opinions when you feel the need to. Always know you can on here.

 

[Enceladus]

Suicide IS hard. It's not the "easy" way out like normal people say it is. You may be able to have a feeling for what your future life will be like, but no one knows for sure what death is like, and it's scary. You're right - suicide can look tempting, but when you actually go to do it, you don't always feel like you thought you would feel.

It's even harder to do if you've tried it in the past, failed, and ended up hospitalized, because then you have to see the pain it caused in your loved ones' eyes. Suicide for sure is not easy; it takes a lot of strenght and courage to do it.

 

[Summer.Rain]

Suicide IS hard. It's not the "easy" way out like normal people say it is. You may be able to have a feeling for what your future life will be like, but no one knows for sure what death is like, and it's scary. You're right - suicide can look tempting, but when you actually go to do it, you don't always feel like you thought you would feel.

It's even harder to do if you've tried it in the past, failed, and ended up hospitalized, because then you have to see the pain it caused in your loved ones' eyes. Suicide for sure is not easy; it takes a lot of strenght and courage to do it.

For some of us, who attempted to suicide and failed, relatives shows no reaction at all!
For some of us, relativs just dont care, as sad as it sounds..

 

[Aleth]

Yes, its definitely not easy. Planning suicide is somewhat comforting, facing it and suddenly you are seized by an irrational panic.
Firm decisions falter in the face of emotions. I did not realise I had so much doubt until I stared at the container of poison.
Half of me is saying just ignore these feelings, I've already thought everything through, suicide felt like the right decision. The other half says follow your heart, your instinct not to die. But then I look back at life and everything just seems impossible, like there is no going back.

You are right about family. Unfortunately I am only human, flawed, all I can think about is my own needs at the moment, however selfish that might sound.

 

[Aleth]

For some of us, who attempted to suicide and failed, relatives shows no reaction at all!
For some of us, relativs just dont care, as sad as it sounds..

Perhaps they just had difficulty dealing with it and so just buried their head in the sand and tried to pretend it didn't happen. I had a previous suicide attempt many years ago, and after being released from hospital my family never mentioned it again as if it never happened. They still cared in their own way though, even though they pretended like nothing had happened.

 

[Stranger1]

Hi Aleth,
You sound like you have a pretty good idea of what your feeling and how to handle it. As far as standing on the edge, yes I know what you mean. I just recently had a circumstance that pushed me over the edge.
I had to get away from everyone so I could think. I am still feeling like I am still over the edge, but i'm trying to remedy my thinking. I need to get off that subject because I haven't totally gotten past it.
I have faced death several times, so I am not afraid of it. I sold evrything I had when I broke down and tried to kill myself. Material items have never ment much to me. You can't take it with you. I sat the money aside to help pay for my funeral.I hope you Stay Safe and Stay Strong...:chopper:...

 

[Insignificant]

hell when i tried when i was 17 my parents held it against me for the longest time.

please take care and most importantly stay safe.

 

[Summer.Rain]

Perhaps they just had difficulty dealing with it and so just buried their head in the sand and tried to pretend it didn't happen. I had a previous suicide attempt many years ago, and after being released from hospital my family never mentioned it again as if it never happened. They still cared in their own way though, even though they pretended like nothing had happened.

My mother was the second person to find out about my SA
today, 1 year later, she says that i dont have depression and im just lazy
and my dad, he says hes joking, but he says that the only way to "fix" me
is to beat the shit out of me... which results and me, undarstanding that
thay just dont care! i asked thm to help me lots of times, yet thay never did.

 

[Aleth]

My mother was the second person to find out about my SA
today, 1 year later, she says that i dont have depression and im just lazy
and my dad, he says hes joking, but he says that the only way to "fix" me
is to beat the shit out of me... which results and me, undarstanding that
thay just dont care! i asked thm to help me lots of times, yet thay never did.

I don't understand some parents. I don't know why they don't seem to care. Maybe its just an act, because they can't face your problems.
I remember being discharged from hospital after my attempt, barefoot, being told to get a taxi home. I never really understood why my mother didn't come to pick me up, or at least get some other family member to do it. It still hurts.
I don't want to tell anyone I'm in crisis now because I believe they don't really want to be troubled. Its hard to turn to anyone else as well, since you think if your own family doesn't want to know, then why should anyone else.

 

[Summer.Rain]

I don't understand some parents. I don't know why they don't seem to care. Maybe its just an act, because they can't face your problems.
I remember being discharged from hospital after my attempt, barefoot, being told to get a taxi home. I never really understood why my mother didn't come to pick me up, or at least get some other family member to do it. It still hurts.
I don't want to tell anyone I'm in crisis now because I believe they don't really want to be troubled. Its hard to turn to anyone else as well, since you think if your own family doesn't want to know, then why should anyone else.

Same thing was with me, after i discharged, i had nothing, i bearly had any
close on me (when i had my SA i didnt thouh im suppose to dress up)
yet thay throw me from the hospital, which is a hour away from my house by car
I had no money, no phone, nothing, i was forced to ask drivers to deliver
me somewhere so that i could get home...
I bet you can guess how it was like, after a SA i was i really bad condition
people actualy though i was a junkey or something...

When i finnaly got back home, no one even asked where i was...

 

[Stranger1]

Hello,
I have to disagree about fear. One thing I have learned in therapy is that FEAR IS NOT AN OPTION!! The one thing that we all share is that being on the forum is inner strength. It took alot of courage to come to the forum and spill your guts.
Me personally, I don't share anything with others. My therapist and my doc are the only two who know what is happening with me. Being in therapy I have learned that you can hold back on what is happening with you but you can share how therapy is going. Does any of this make since? Good Luck!!!:chopper:!!!

 

[Aleth]

Hello,
I have to disagree about fear. One thing I have learned in therapy is that FEAR IS NOT AN OPTION!! The one thing that we all share is that being on the forum is inner strength. It took alot of courage to come to the forum and spill your guts.
Me personally, I don't share anything with others. My therapist and my doc are the only two who know what is happening with me. Being in therapy I have learned that you can hold back on what is happening with you but you can share how therapy is going. Does any of this make since? Good Luck!!!:chopper:!!!

Give me the strength to face my fears . . . it seems so . . impossible, when you are emotionally exhausted. I'm not having any luck trying to rally myself.

But having somewhere to voice your feelings, even if its only a forum like this, seems to offer some clarity, to soothe a little.

I don't find it easy opening up either. At least a forum is somewhat anonymous. I dread the thought of being put face to face with a therapist. I'm sure I would just freeze up with nothing to say.

 

[Stranger1]

The good thing about therapists is they only push you so far. They are very patient, in the mean time you can learn coping skills from them. You don't have to worry about them saying something to someone. They take an oath just like doctors to keep it private. My therapist knows everything about me. She wants me to get off meds. I told her that will be a cold day in hell. Without my meds it doesn't take long for me to do a nose dive into all my irrational thoughts. Nope I am not ready for that.
My therapist in the hospital was nice and very understanding,( she was also very cute). I promised her if I start harming myself I will return to the hospital. I didn't like the shrink I saw. He said I was stable so he discharged me. I don't know how they can say that so fast when they don't even know what is happening with you. Oh well maybe next time it will be on a cold slab.
I hope you find some releif from your thoughts. Good Luck..:chopper:...