torpor is all there is

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bloodlily, Jan 21, 2009.

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  1. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    no one understands me. i've turned into this totally indecent person, that i don't trust or understand either. i just want to be who I was inside back in the distant past, but I'm not her anymore. I'm just a self centered bastard who, if she had any decency, killed herself before she turned 15.

    Everyone is just all too happy to beat on me. And they'll never let up. They'll never really know, care, or understand.

    God hates me too I'd bet.
     
  2. jam1e

    jam1e Guest

    What have you done, or what are you that is so bad???
     
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm sure that God loves you. :hug:
     
  4. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    I attempted to go for a gender transition.
     
  5. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    Why is it so hard for me to see that then?
     
  6. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    Could I ask you what led you to that decision?
     
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We are all so imperfect...each one of us is worthy of receiving and showing compassion...and anyone who does not accept you, including yourself, is forgetting just how imperfect each of us are...big hugs, and sincere wishes for acceptance...J
     
  8. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    I really dont think it is a matter of if god loves you or not. If you continue to look outside of yourself for love and acceptance before anything else, youre going to hit a brick wall. You have to love and accept yourself first, to even recognize love and acceptance. So its not a matter of if god loves you or not, its a matter of if you do.
     
  9. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    I hated seeing myself as a guy. I did have some gender issues that never really went resolved. So I went for a gender transition to be able to accept myself better.
     
  10. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    *hugs* I just wish I knew what to do now. Somehow suicide seems like the only way out for me...
     
  11. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member


    Then maybe I'll always be flawed in this manner. I know loving ourselves comes first before we can love others. But its just so trying when everyone tells me that I'm not good enough.
     
  12. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    that is a very brave thing to do. i know a lot of people who have done this or are going through transition.
     
  13. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    Well, I failed it. And that made me resent myself even more.
     
  14. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    For me, self acceptance came after I stopped chanting awful things about myself in my head all day...I talked to the horrible voices and told them that they did not reflect who I was...then I was able to see that I was not all bad...very flawed, but so is everyone...finally, I saw myself as someone who was worthy of some good things along with the bad...still working on finding a balance, but self-acceptance grew to the beginning of self love...best of luck and big hugs again, J
     
  15. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member


    failed how?
    if you are TS, transitioning is only a small part of it
     
  16. mystereo2099

    mystereo2099 Well-Known Member

    I'm kinda lost, you were a girl and then decided to become a boy? F*ck what the other ppl say - they don't really know you.
     
  17. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    I've just fallen so far into the cracks I'm not so sure if I can find myself again. I'm 30, but I'm literally really around 5 mentally. my previous nick in this forum would be bloodrose but I just can't find the password.
     
  18. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    I detransitioned, and am now living as a 30 year old boy. Being dissed by all others around me. My girl friends dumped me, my guy friends dumped me. Even my TG friends dumped me. All I hear are bad talk and negative gossip about me.

    transitioning is only a small part of it, but my entire life had been held back because of it. i just wanted to fight for myself for the first time in my life, and I failed.
     
  19. bloodlily

    bloodlily Active Member

    its... the other way around... hate me now?
     
  20. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    maybe you can try again if it feels right. its not a failure, transitioning is a big deal.
     
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