Tortured by life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Marillion43, May 6, 2013.

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  1. Marillion43

    Marillion43 Member

    I have no rope left to hold onto. Everyday I am completely slapped and tortured by my own life. I used to make a good living, a nice little home, kids and tons of extended family. In less than ten years I have been divorced, layed off, salary cut by 50%, went back to school in my 40's and trying to work any job I can, my goal was to finish school and now I can't. Three mnore classes to go after 3 years of struggle and now I can't finish.

    I have no family becausemy family was extended family (ex's family)....I have a mother who is disabled and mean, I have two kids I love but now I can't even provide the way I did because I am in poverty, I have nowhere to live cause I'm shacking up, I had to pass up a part time job I really wanted because they wanted 40 hrs of orientation and my regular low paying job wouldn't allow me too...I can't pay any bills unless I don't pay child support which I already had ex and kids live in the house I bought and the house me and my dad put so much work into and he has passed away since. Now my' ex's boyfreind is moving into to that house and the kids don't like it. They like him they just don't want that and their mother says too bad.

    My ex wife really screwed me I found out she is making double than me tis whole time and she took one of my tax exemptions away and she claims head of household nd the house and she claims business because she runs one from there.

    and I have nothing.....and I keep getting hit with failure....I'm tired I have worked to try to pick up after divorce which was due to her wanting someone else, and I haven't and cant catch a break. My mother,my kids and the ex call me all the time for one thing.......something from me and I have nothing and I'm embaressed. my relationship now, she makes double me, she has her house, kids older...and she doesn't want to hear my problems because she has enough of hers right now...and we are going on 6 years........

    I hate life, I hate how my heart hurts everyday, I hate standing in the middle of happy stable married people and hiding my desolation with a smile, I hate weekends cause I'm afraid about facing aloness, even with my kids, I don't have a place for them to come to when they need to take a break fom home ....I have nowehre to take them and they don't want to come with me anymore cause they are teenagers.......I hurt everyday, I just want a break, I just want something to go right for a change, I keep thinking on how I would kill mysef>..and its real

    Its real thoughts and it sucks, I shouldn't have those thoughts and they are real, not to cop out of life, it's:hurt: because I am not any good for anyone.....I can't help anyone cause I can't even survive worse nightmares are here, they are now and I hurt real bad and I jut hate itself is killing me
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am poor too, although I don't have any children to raise and provide for. So I understand what it's like to just get by. I can't work because of my mental illnesses. even if I tried I can't work more than a few months before being completely burned out.

    Anyways please keep talking, there are people here who can relate and maybe help you through it. hugs
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for what you're having to deal with. I hope you'll keep posting and reaching out... this is a place where you can find support, understanding, and friendship.
  4. Marillion43

    Marillion43 Member

    Thank You for your response....It makes me feel a little better to hear polite responses than none at really does feel like hell....little beside myself with it....
  5. Marillion43

    Marillion43 Member

  6. Marillion43

    Marillion43 Member

    sorry you are unable to work due to mental illness and your financial situation....hugs to you as well
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    yeah, it's hard to accept, and I have a thick head so I still try to work here and there. I'm glad at least my comment was a bit helpful...sometimes I feel for the people who post and don't know what to I try to say something because when I was in need, I always wanted a response even if it was as small as possible...hearing from others helps a lot I find
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Just wanted to let you know you are being heard and I'm sorry for what you're going through.
  9. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Hopefully there'll be a bright spot in the next day, even if it's something small like a good cup of coffee or a funny story in the news. I know how corrosive life can be. Stay strong for your kids.
  10. Warrioress

    Warrioress Active Member

    I'm so sorry about your misfortunes. It is painful to have everything and be stripped of them. But if the good days are no more, it doesn't mean that the bad days are going to last forever. They will have to end someday as well.
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