Torturing Myself

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kiba, Jan 12, 2011.

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  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    sigh.. I feel like shit. I have so many things I know I shouldn't feel guilty about but do. I feel like I'm going to go into perpetual break downs. At the moment all I have is SF. my life is.. Sleep then SF then eat.. Repeat. Its not safe in my neighborhood and my schedule is all whack because I cant sleep due to nightmares. I'm holding up for the most part, but I'm also just going insane! I make a lot of friends on SF and I love you all! I'm not really wanting to die.. Just maybe torture myself I suppose..

    I feel like I deserve it. I know I really don't, but I feel like I'm going insane. I feel like Ive ruined my life were I live and Ive ruined some other things. And from my past, I feel like I deserved the neglect and beatings.

    Maybe I just feel normal being tortured.. Like I have comfort in it somehow because its familiar.

    I just want to torture myself right now.. :blub:
  2. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    Swift my dear you deserve no such torture, self inflicted or other, i know it seems like it is the same cycle repeating itself over and over and the breakdown(s) never end. and while that may be true to a point, everyone goes thru rough points in life, its not. No matter how many times you feel like your living the same thing over and over each time you have a breakdown you have grown from the last and you know more each time, and sometimes you have more ppl to help you get thru it. We are here for you thru anything. You didnt deserfe the neglect and beatings in your past nobody does, i know how you can feel that it would be that way i feel the same from time to time, but what we need to remember when we start feeling that way is we didnt deserve those things and talk to others about it(counselor/therapist or even just here)and they will help you re-enforce the truth. We are here for you anytime Swift all you have to do is ask and we are here
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    where do you live? do you go to school or have a job? we are here to help.
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I live in Oregon (USA) and I don' go to school and I don't have a job.

    I think most I torture myself because it feels "comfortable." Its like I am happy with it and not at the same time. I don't know why It is that way. Maybe because my entire life has been one thing after another, and I feel weird without some sort of self punishment.

    I don't know how else to explain it. I also didn't know if this was the right place to post this, but last night I really wanted to do something pretty bad to myself when I posted.

    Thank you for your reply's.
  5. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    You find a certain level of comfort in it, because you have found routine in it. You are now used to it. It has now become a learned pattern of behaviour.

    You need to find a way to change the pattern of behaviour, are there any people you can go to to talk it over with? Have you been to a doctor or support line about how you're feeling? Do you have any goals long-term or short-term that you aspire to - no matter how trivial, it could be as simple as getting up at a reasonable hour and getting some sunlight.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Maybe, on some level pain is needed. I sometimes feel like feeling a little pain too. Try to find a balance. :hug:
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