Tossed out with the trash ... again.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by 2old2beThisConfused, Oct 8, 2013.

  1. 2old2beThisConfused

    2old2beThisConfused New Member

    Don't even know if I can get through this post. For the last seven years I've been living with a roommate I met in a "detox" (we're both in 12 step recovery.) I'm (now) a 50-something gay guy, he's a 30-something straight guy. (There's no lust or sexual attraction here.) When we met in detox, he was a homeless, jobless, junkie whose own parents wouldn't take his phone calls. He seemed like a good guy who just needed a pull-up, which I gave him. I told him he could stay at my house as long as there were no drugs in the house. I was (and still am) on disability - my rent is covered and I get food stamps and public assistance money ($320 per month.) I lost my job 10 years ago, and after seven or eight years of sending out resume's and not even getting an interview, just gave up.

    After a bit of a rocky start, I helped get him on a methadone clinic, which he's still on, he got a sober job in a restaurant and, since he was only making $12 an hour, in lieu of paying rent, paid for the utilities (con-ed and cable - approx $400 a month) and slipping me $50 - $60 every now and then when I run short, which is once or twice a month. Two years ago, he got a job in construction, pulling in close to $100,000 a year (he's also managed to "bank" $100,00 in the time I've known him.) Our financial "arrangement" has remained the same, despite the fact that friends and therapists alike said I should be charging him for half the rent. I've also pretty much been the "house bitch" doing all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands, litter box scooper, lunch packer, etc.

    This relationship has been completely co-dependent, we both have "social anxiety" and "isolation" issues and have basically been each other's 'best friend' for the past 7 years. He had a few mini-relationships with women but they were short lived, usually because she was an addict or a psycho or whatever. Besides which, the methadone killed his sex drive.

    Three weeks ago he met up with a girl who's a former junkie (on methadone also) just out of a five year relationship with an abusive crackhead, living with her junkie parents etc. Two nights ago, he says "We care about each other and want to be together." Since he and I live in a (very) small one bedroom apartment, I reminded him of the impossibility of her moving in with us, which is what he wanted. Now he's moving her down here (we're in NYC she's in Boston), getting her a 'room' nearby so that they can see each other daily, getting her on his clinic, talking to his former boss about getting her a job -- basically a mission of "rescue" and "control."

    He's telling me that he isn't going to leave me "in the lurch" (I can't get by in this apartment on what I get monthly) but I know how things usually go -- after a month, he's not going to want to support two households (he's "frugal" to the point of miserly-ness) and he's going to want to move in with her full time.

    I've pretty much "had it" in this life. In the last 10 years I've lost: my dog, my dream job, my mother to a horrible lung cancer death, my beloved sister to a sudden death, my apartment of 25 years (greedy landlord finally won in court) and now ... this.

    I love this guy like a brother. As an almost 60 year old gay man - I love this guy like a brother. I'd give him a kidney if he needed one, I've never said "no" to him on anything. This guy has been the significant male relationship of my life and I'm losing him to a girl he's known for three weeks. He's incensed that I'm not "happy" for him that he's finally found a girl he likes who likes him back, and he's implying that I'm the reason he hasn't had a relationship with a woman since we've known each other.

    This isn't the first time something like this has happened with one of my "friends." I've had a life long pattern of doing so much for others that I have nothing left for myself, and then becoming crushed and disillusioned and bitter when I'm not treated the same way. This is just the most recent episode of that.

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    I've seen my future and ... I don't want that life. I'm six months away from 60 years old. I have no money, no savings, no prospects, no family, no social life, no sex life (being gay and over 50 you might as well be dead) no hope, no dreams, no ... nothing. It's not that I've been unaware of the fact that you have to "plan" I've just had some setbacks in my life that I couldn't bounce back from.

    For the last seven years most of my life has been devoted to making "his" life easier and it counts for ... nothing. Once again. I've never learned NOT to have that level of faith in another human being. So, if I'm not in the picture, he'll be able to take over the apartment and he and his new girlfriend can live happily ever after I guess. His big problem solved and in a way, I guess mine too.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2013
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the stress you are experiencing right now with the situation with your friend/roommate and closest support. There are a few obvious things that are not overly helpful to you like how you should be happy that somebody that means so much to you found somebody to help complete part of their life but that rings really hollow. I would say base on your explanation that it is very possible he will need your support more than ever in a few weeks or months as the situation you are describing him getting himself into has a far more than average chance of blowing up. Once again, that is just pointing out the onesidedness of the support at the current time.

    The fact is at nearly 60 I am unsure being gay is even that big of a factor. The real issue is your isolation. As you have been dealing with it for years you have a better idea than I do if there is any possibility of getting out a bit to try to find some additional supports of your own. If he does move out (not a given yet) then since you do not work maybe you have the option to move 50 miles out of the city and cut expenses from that.

    Keep talking to us and as it is always better to talk than let it just swirl around in your own mind without any input or even acknowledgement.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. 2old2beThisConfused

    2old2beThisConfused New Member

    Ben - Thank you for taking the time to read my (overlong) post and for your reply.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't have any suggestions other than what Ben has already mentioned. And even though this was posted a few weeks ago, I wanted to reply so you know I read your post, and I care. I hope you'll come back and continue to post here, to reach out for support. :hug: