Total fack up and bad mother.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DarknessSurroundsMe, Mar 29, 2012.

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  1. DarknessSurroundsMe

    DarknessSurroundsMe Well-Known Member

    I have always felt I was nothing. Scratch that lower than nothing. I dropped out of school at 18. I have never had many friends EVER. I got my GED with flying color at 20 but I only did that for my son. I feel like a bad mother though. Leaving him all the time with the babysitter so that I could go to class or work. I felt and still feel like total
    sh!t. I feel even worse because when I would get out of class I would go right to work at the Day Care and spend time with other peoples children instead of my own. Leaving my son with the babysitter or his father I thought he was well taken care of. I would get off work either go straight home or to the babysitters to pick him up. I would feed him supper give him a bath play for a little and put him to bed. Not once did I ever see anything wrong with my son he is and ALWAYS will be my only happiness in life. However, he had a cough late one night and it went on for a couple of days and started to worry me. I got up the next morning and got my son ready for the day, Got his father up told him what our son had for breakfast and to take him to the doctors. I left for work. I got a phone call around lunch time and it was my sons father. He said that our son was underweight by 2 pounds and that the doctor was calling Children and Youth. They took my son away from me and put him in temporary foster care. I see him only 1 hour a day 2 days a week. I am a total f*ckin failure because I was to stupid to see that he wasnt chunky enough. Because of this I have beaten myself up everyday since he has been gone. They tell me I need to get better before they will give him back to me because I cut and have tried to kill myself when I was younger. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier for me to end it. It would be better for us both. He wouldnt have to see me as the failure I am. He is still young and wont remember me. God right now I just want to f*cking die because I dont know what to do anymore.

    Just kill me please?
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Oh hun, there is still plenty of time to work at the decisions you made back then, to turn this all around. Don't let your feelings define you so negatively....your son's small and won't remember this start he had in life, but you can tell him later that you know there is always hope of changing things and had a 'wake-up call' when he was little. I had a 'chequered past', and dysfunction that affected my perception - but can look back on it with hindsight and understand why I did the things I did. Don't let your chance of that slip by you, or him. Starting from the bottom is a good place to start, actually - it means your improvements will encourage you to carry on. I knew someone once who had their much wanted son, after two daughters, but kept herself too busy when he was a baby and he died.... you have not had this grief to bear, and I can see lots of hope in what you write. Channel your 'beating yourself up energy' into turning things around - you can do it! Just as there have been negative consequences for your past actions (they happen to everyone) - wanting to turn things around will bring positive consequences.
     
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You aren't lower than nothing and you aren't a bad mother :hug: I know that you will be able to get your son back...just keep trying and good things will happen. Use the energy into changing your life around instead of ending it.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I see a mother who passed her GED with flying colours for her son, and worked hard at the same time, then spent time nurturing him at night .
    I think they were a bit harsh removing him from your care for being underweight...after all your babysitter and his father also shared his care..

    I hope you will fight to get him back for he can only have one mother and only if you are still here.
    I can hear how much you love him so don't give up ok...he needs you.

    have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling?
    has anyone recommended any help for you?

    I am a mother too and I don't see you as a failure....just human and none of us are perfect *hug*
     
  5. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    You obviously care about him you aren't a bad mother. You made a little mistake because you were busy working (which well feed him and pay the bills). Listen you have to get right for your son. If I was you I would stop cutting now and work to become a better mother if they see that they are trying they will give you your son back. You are great mother and actually care about your son they will see that. Heck this one lady that abused her kid and taped him to a wall might be able to get her kid back. So if physco like her can get her kid back then a good mother like yourself will be able to get your kid back easily. I know if you work at it you'll have your kid back in no time.
     
  6. DarknessSurroundsMe

    DarknessSurroundsMe Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the kind words I actually today just got out of the psychiatric hospital and am feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically better so damn right I am done cutting and turning my life around so that I can get my son back.
     
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad to hear you got the help you needed and I can hear your determination to get your life together
    sending good wishes your way :hug:
     
  8. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    dsm- you are loved tho, and you arent shit. i wish i could take a picture from my eyes and show you what i see. you made one mistake. its a painful one, and one thats going to last a long time. but that doesnt make you lesser. your son loves you, even now, he recognises you and loves you. when he is older, im sure he would rather have a mother that is there, than one who he never had because suicide and depression stole her from him.... i know i have a hard time with my depresseed mother, but i love her, and couldnt imagine the pain of not having her. and i care of you too. dont forget that hun, and keep on trooping, we will find a way to make it better :hug: i mean it.
     
  9. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    I'm glad to hear it I'm rooting for you and know you can do it. I really think you can be a great mother.
     
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