~Total Nervous Breakdown~

I'm not sure but I think this is the right place to post this and I apologize if it isn't.

I'm having a total nervous breakdown!

I feel lonely and vulnerable and I hate feeling this way, worse, I feeling this way and being around other people. I've lived alone for eight years and longer still since I've been taught or rather abandoned into believing that the only person I can truly rely on is me.

So, when I'm in this state it's not good because even I can't rely on me.

I wanted to take a week or two offline but did that happen? NO!

The first week I thought I had some packages delivered to the wrong address so I had to stay on to sort it out that ended up costing me more money because I'm a shopaholic. So it was a strain on my finances.

I was going to go offline this past week but I didn't again because my TMJ was SO bad that I had to go online to find the number to Medical Assistance so I can find out if braces are covered by MA because I once had a dentist recommend them.

Only I need an orthodontist to say that they're MEDICALLY NECESSARY so that MA will cover them and I need to find an MA orthodontist.

Fucking beaurocracies.

And it doesn't help that our State Government might 'shut down' because the opposing parties in office can't agree on a budget and can only debate on whose penis is bigger while those that NEED these services suffer, myself included and if even if I wasn't dependent on them I'd feel for the people that do NEED them.

Fucking government.

And I'm flipping out over every LITTLE thing and getting annoyed with EVERYONE but a few online because I've been deprived of 'me' time.

The kicker though is going back to the beginning of this where I mentioned paying off my debts, saving up for a car, maybe going to college and did I mention I'm twenty-seven going on twenty-eight? This is all things that I should've been doing ten fucking years ago!

If I had one wish it would be to go back in time to my seven-year old self with a HUGE list of things to hopefully avoid being a total fuck-up.

I really spent the last ten years on a journey of inner-growth and truth which is all well and good but it doesn't pay the bills when the government shuts down or Social Security is drained of it's last dollar because the tyrants in office want to keep persuing War of Mass Stupidity!

And of course I have to start on the bottom like everyone else, OK, Generals and then what? Generals are two years and I've explored three paths of things that I have an interest in doing: Starting and running my own small business, becoming a video game designer or becoming a history/philosophy professor.

That is of course pending how well I DO in school!

I've also been hating on myself a lot, beating myself bloody. Which isn't hard for me, all I have to do is conjure up all the people of my past the 'naysayers' you could say and use that to beat myself.

Why? I don't know, I KNOW that it's counter-productive. It could be perhaps that I think that if I keep pushing myself that eventually I'll start moving and quit being a total waste of space.

I think people close to me are worried to.

I mentioned to my Mum how I wanted to make up for all the monetary loss and emtional grief I had caused her when I was much younger.

And today I could barely even move though I did and tried to put a smile on my face with little success.

I really don't know what to do right now, I'd like to cry, in other post(s) I mentioned I haven't cried for eight years.

I know it won't solve all my problems but I do think it would help if I just bawled and let out all the shit that has happened in the last eight years and that's a LOT of shit.

I'll be able to read replies until tomorrow afternoon and then I won't for a week, a week of 'me' time will do me some good. At least I won't have the whir and burr of the internet to distract me.

I apologize for my language in my post and for rambling.

Thank you for your reading.

~Gives cookies to anyone who read the whole thing~

~Urza~​

 

i will take double fudge cookies thank you. I too think cry if you can hun let all
the a sadness anger frustration out okay it will heal you some Keep talking here too writing out what you are feeling helps as well hugs to you

 

I think you might need to get some medical intervention here before these feelings escalate.
Go see your GP and see what they suggest.