Totally alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ereeka69, Feb 12, 2013.

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  1. Ereeka69

    Ereeka69 Member

    I recently admitted myself into a hospital this past summer, I broke up with my boyfriend of 13 years and was extremely depressed. I felt like there was no reason to go on living. After a 30 day stay I found myself home and lost, as if I didn't know how to acclimate myself back I to society. So my therapist called 911 and sent me to the ER. I was released the same night and after a few weeks entered an intensive DBT Program. I have been in this program for the past three months and for the first time I really like my therapist, but I am not comfortable being in group therapy. I have trouble talking about my issues and when I do speak in group it is usually to argue or fight with someone. Most times I am asked to leave the group. I attend therapy five days a week in an outpatient program and meet with my individual therapist in the program twice a week. I thought that I was making a little bit of progress, but in the last few weeks I feel that is not the case.
    However, the past few weeks I have been struggling with the thoughts of ending my life. I feel like I am terminally depressed and will never snap out of it. I find that most of the day I am thinking about ways of killing myself and I also find myself researching it in my spare time. I was always scared to go through with it but in the last few days I feel ready.
    Part of me wants to die and then there is a small part that is scared and hopeful that maybe just maybe there is some other alternative. I feel like my therapist is giving up on me, but logically I understand that it is only in my head, because there is no logical evidence that she is. I know that she cares about me and is committed to helping me get better anyway that she can. So if I know these things then why am I continuously thinking of successful ways to end my life. I would really like any advice I am scared and feel completely alone.
  2. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    You need to hang onto that "hopeful" part that there is some other alternative. There are a lot of folks like you out there. I suffer from major depression too. You have to find what things give you pleasure in life, no matter how miniscule and hope things get better. Just think that there may be a time in your life, it may be a month, it may be a year, it may be ten years from now, but you'll look back and realize how glad you are you didn't hurt yourself.
  3. Ereeka69

    Ereeka69 Member

    I know what you mean, but I can not even remember the last time anything has brought me joy. The only thing I manage to do is get myself to work everyday. I feel like everything is hopeless and it will never get better. I feel as if my therapist is giving up on me.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sorry for all the pain you are in,Ereeka. I think its always best to not listen to or believe those thoughts that say people do not like me or want to give up on me etc. Or the thoughts that tell me I am bad, or someone else is bad etc. I find that the mind is usually not an acruate judge of things. Can you talk with your therapist about your fears re: her ?

    Sometimes being online at forums and even safe chatrooms, such as here, can help people to not feel alone and scared. They can help keep people's focus away from the thoughts of the mind. So maybe being here can really help. I hope so.

    Are you reassessing, with the therapist if group is the right for you at this time? Is the group helpful in any way?
  5. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    I've have been suicidal and do believe that you have to take time to recover. Yet, regardless of why you broke up, if you committed suicide that would be like saying that he or the relationship was more important than you. No one should have that much control over your life. I once was so in love with a girl and finally realized how ludicrous I was for making my happiness so dependent on other people. It takes time. But realize no one human being is really that important. You should be glad you found out that it wasn't going to work out now than decades later. I hope I don't sound callous.
  6. Ereeka69

    Ereeka69 Member

    Thank you, I spoke with my therapist yesterday and she is allowing me to take a break from group for a couple of weeks and just work with her individually and then decide if I want to quit the program or continue.

    Jjog- you don't sound callous at all, I appreciate your input and it helps. I try to tell myself that all the time but somehow I can't get myself to believe it.
  7. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member


    Have you found any benefits to group therapy? Has it been at all supportive for you? One-on-one therapy has never got me very far, and someone recommended I try a group approach. Seems very intimidating to me!
  8. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    At least you had a BF. My disease (Asperger's Syndrome) gives me almost NO CHANCE of findng a significant other. I wish I could do more than try to convince you that you'll find love again. At least you are more capable of it than I.
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Glad you are working with your therapist re the whole group thing. Some groups are just not a good fit. Others are. Sometimes just taking time off can give people clarity on what they want to do.

    I know of a website that has a DBT skills online chatroom sort of meeting once a week. It is led by someone who has knowledge of DBT and has taken certification, I think. I have never been to it. But I would imagine it is quite good. If you would like the info, pm me. I will be happy to tell you about it.
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