totally isolated on shaky ground

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pit, Apr 10, 2008.

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  1. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Hello all. I'd just like to update you on my situation. I passed a couple tests today, so I'm closer to graduating. It was a long hard haul. I should feel excited today, but I'm not. Though I did treat myself to a Hawaiian burger and a caramel sundae. Any Hawaiian burger fans out there?

    For a long, long time, I've just been studying, practicing, sleeping, reading, listening to music, and daydreaming. My contact with people has been minimal. Now that I'm edging closer to the "professional" workplace, I'm getting scared. Especially because of the experiences I've had in the past. I find it extremely awkward to go out and make connections. Part of me wants to succeed and part of me wants to die. It's a constant struggle.

    I put on a happy front for my peers and instructors at school. But inside I'm even more terrified of failure, because it's happened at workplaces before. Who knows, maybe it's a sign of growth that I'm feeling this way. Venturing into the unknown.

    I feel really shaky these days! Tomorrow I will go to a mental health drop in center so I won't have to be alone.
  2. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    First of all, allow me to congratulate you on passing those tests!! *tosses confetti in the air* :smile:
    As for hawaiian burger - never tried one, but I like pineapple, so if there's any of that in it I'd probably like it.

    I think most people are a bit afraid of, you put it so well so I'll just quote you here, "venturing into the unknown" - the fear comes in different degrees of course. You seem to be on the high end of that scale.

    So... how to chill, how to keep the anxiety down, right? For some people it works to have a "fuck it all"-attitude to make up for the lack of self-esteem, if you see what I mean. If I ever should need to do something "big" like that again (doubt I ever will) I'd probably have a mindset along the lines of "what does it matter I'm gonna kill myself anyway" - for some reason that tends to make me invurnable
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 11, 2008
  3. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Pit, if you keep in mind that success means different things to different people, and you cannot judge yourself according to some self-prescribed standard of perfection, hopefully you will realize how much progress you have actually made in your life. You deserve to give yourself a pat on the back, but not because of achieving what society says is worthy of admiration, but what you yourself have achieved. No one but you knows the effort that went into your efforts. NO ONE. You can't depend on others to give you the support you MUST GIVE YOURSELF. :)
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so good to hear all the wonderful things you are doing for yourself...and yes, growing pains can be awful...I am also so gravely afraid of the fact, often times, when the panic grips me, i have to recite affirmations in my yourself, no one would know how afraid I am, but I still know how it has kept me back...know that we are here to support you and that there are so many ppl who understand...keep up the good work and make sure you voice your feelings as you are going through this...big hugs, J
  5. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Part of you wants to succeed. Its a good thing. Im never saying HANG ON, but I will say that this time. Hang on, see which part of you will win the struggle, and you can succeed.
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I appreciate all of your support. It really means a lot to me!

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