Totally lost

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Feb 13, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't know what to do anymore

    this is the 2nd time in a week that i've started to kill myself

    maybe i'm just too much of a coward to follow through

    i'm so tired

    don't know how to get help

    don't know if i'll stop next time

    don't know how to get out of this hell
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    call your doctor call the hospital call crisis line tell them what you are thinking and get signed in to hospital for a few days so get some medication and therapy to help you take care of you okay
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't you get it


    I freeze up in therapy and just get worse

    I freeze up in front of doctors - couldn't even tell the one that i TRUSTED that i had just tried to kill myself

    Too afraid of hospitalization after the last two times - maybe strange but more afraid of that than i am of killing myself - doesn't make sense but there it is

    writing about it isn't helping - i feel a little worse each time i even post here but i keep trying

    people keep asking what i want, what i need but i have no answer - i don't know
  4. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey, for whatever it's worth;

    I Get IT!

    Honest. I really get it. I hear what you are saying and I understand. I know. I know.

    I don't have answers or quick fixes. I so wish you could connect with someone here (or in your life). Seems your best bet. If it takes trying 100 times...then please keep trying. I know. I know. I know you are tired, frustrated, and you hurt. The one thing about connecting with someone, is that you won't be quite as all alone. Sometimes that can be a big help. Being alone with one's pain i know all too well.

  5. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are all here for you
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't have the answers but just wanted you to know that I get it. I do understand.
  7. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    if u cant tell the doctors why not print it off from here, it is already writen for you, all you would have to do then is hand it over to the doctor :hug: keep fighting through, there is somethign stopping you from killing ur self, u need to work out what that is, focus upon it, and develop it further :hug: we are here for you, to try and help and offere support, keep posting, hope ur ok,
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2010
  8. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi I have been following along and posting here and there and just wanted to say a few things.

    I too understand all to well about I really really agree with Kali that your posting is great as it is only a matter of time till you really feel someone that you connect with which will help ease the sense of being so alone and also the sense of feeling overwhelmed that comes when we shoulder everything on our own.

    I recall a post about antidepressants, please be patient as it may take a few tries to get the right med and the right level...around here we call it the "meddy-go-round" cuz it is a ride for sure till the right combo is found. I will spare you the details but suffice to say I would be dead without my meds and as my date looms ever closer I just don't honestly think I can go through with it cuz the meds have lifted the depression to a point where my pain is something I can deal with and I have good days now. YOu too can feel good again but I know that seems so impossible right now. This leads me to my next thought..

    Right now I would imagine you are in a sort of shock like state. You have been upset for days now, you are way behind on sleep, way behind on nutrition and all of these things take a tremendous toll of the physical body which in turn effects your mental faculties. Now I am not saying with proper rest and food all the feelings will go away-not at all. I am saying the pain of your situation has clouded your thinking and the physical stresses your body is under right now is making that worse...worse to the point that you feel there is absolutely no way out and if there was a way you are just too damn tired to utilize it!!!

    Now how to stop all the pain I am sorry I have only to offer you my advice and comfort that I have gotten from personal experience and from members here. My best advice to you is to get as much professional help as possible and continue to make a few support friends here on SF that you can rely on and who understand you. I agree with cownes that perhaps writting out how you feel to the doctors is the best way...I did that once and it was very effective. I have called a few members doctors for them, with their permission of course. You see when we are at our most vulnerable and weakest point is when we need to fight the most. Read any article on how to help a depressed loved one and it will tell you that you often have to step in, make appointments for them, arrange doctors and treatments etc. so I am offering to be that sort of friend to you. I sort of work in the medical field and have had training in crisis intervention so it seems my background really get the attention of doctors and I have been able to gets meds within an hour and appointments moved up as close as that day! And I am not a bitch to them at all just very clear about the situation. Anyhow sort to tooting my own horn there to show you that it might just work for you as well and I am happy to help you in this is hard when you need to be an advocate for yourself your just too wiped out-its all backwards it seems.

    Well I don't know what else to say other than I am here for you and please continue to post here so you can see that you are not alone and that there is love for you out here. I really hope you listen to that small voice inside that wants to live a happy life and listen to all of us and realize it is possible, some work to get there? yes but it is possible.
    Feel free to PM me is you would like to talk or I can help in any way.

    Take care of yourself as best as possible so you can think as clearly as possible and hang tight to the hands that have reached out to you-we all care very much.

    Love Bambi
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    exhausted all day

    barely want to move

    this sucks on top of everything else

    sorry - i'm whining like a child
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2010
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    5:30 - still can't sleep more than a few hours at a time

    wife wanted me to watch the olympics with her - tried but didn't care - so tired kept zoning out

    she finally told me to just go to bed - could hear the disgust in her voice

    cried myself to sleep - cried when i woke up - crying now

    tried to print out some of these postings but i just shredded them

    i feel like i'm trapped inside myself and i can't break out
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know it feels like you're trapped. But at least you're getting out how you feel here. That's something.

    Maybe you can try again later to print out some posts. At least you tried; don't give up!
  12. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    that is amazing that u managed to print them out, you have done it once, you can do it again!! take ur time over it, there is no rush, place them into your wallet or coat poacket or something, so they are not jsut lieing around, but you will have them with you, to show your therapist, to show how much you need help and support right now, and u deserve it!!
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    it just doesn't feel like i have much time left
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You do have time. :hug: You're reaching out. But it's a slow process, because it's hard to do, and because it's scary. But you're taking steps forward, you're trying and you're making progress.
  15. Glenn Cocoa

    Glenn Cocoa Member

    One of my fears (as I'm sure I'm not alone here), is that if I share my feelings of despair with some people, I will get what's called around here "formed," which is basically being declared "certifiable" in other places, which means instead of volunteering to be hospitalized, I'll be forced to stay.

    Does this scare you too?
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    shredded the printouts because i'm afraid of my own words

    the last two times in the hospital were horrifying

    afraid that no matter how i wind up in the hospital i won't come out except in a box - as sure as the sun goes down at night - ironic when i see where i'm likely to end up

    went out to get bagels this morning and picked up a valentine's card for my wife - left it on her pillow while she was showering

    i got nothing

    so tired i keep falling asleep wherever i am so on top of everything else i can't even help with groceries or anything

    i am now totally useless
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not useless. I know you're tired ... depression in itself is draining, especially when you add in the fact that you have trouble sleeping.

    Sorry about Valentine's Day. :( Wish I had the words...
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    shouldn't be surprised by the card thing

    my family knows i don't especially like my birthday - don't want a party or any kind of big deal

    heard a birthday announcement on the radio once and angrily called my wife to ask why she did it - she didn't, never found out who did

    somewhere along the line they assumed that it meant that i didn't want presents either - or a card

    don't care enough to tell them
  19. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    u r not useless, i think u care too much for ur family to keep it quiet about ur birthday, u dont want to hurt there feelings :hug: keep posting, im listneing, and thinking about you!!
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    been staring at this blank box for 15 minutes

    had been watching the olympics earlier but i had to get away - couldn't handle watching anymore but i feel bad because it means i can't be in the same room as my wife

    i know she'll get angry because she's worried

    lately she's been hovering at meals to make sure i eat

    i know this is hard on her - she's not used to having to be the strong one, that's my job and that just makes it worse

    i'm not supposed to be a burden to my family
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