There is a distinct lack of self-awareness in most of the world... too many toxic people, and worst of all most of the time they don't realize how toxic they are. There's always an explanation, always a justification, always a reason that someone else bar them is in the wrong. Some people are so caught up in their own narrow and hypocritical sense of morality, that they don't see how stupid they look from the outside. I'm all over the place in my thinking right now, frustrated at work, frustrated at home, honestly frustrated at this place too, but thankfully I'm aware enough that I know a lot of that I only have my self to blame for. And so I go over the same cycle of thoughts again, without a single answer, a single hope of resolution, only another pointless diatribe against thoughts and concepts against every intangible opponent. It makes me think of things like "the war on terror", that so many governments wield as a tool to justify intrusions in to the lives of people without power, while still protecting those with power, and all in all adding to the terror they claim to be fighting against. I feel like that's all I do when I fight, deal myself collateral damage, fighting against a foe which is ultimately myself. When the only reliable way to help break from this damaging cycle is hurting myself physically... Looking at it from the outside, it's just so fucked up. I'm an absolutely broken piece of human wreckage, and the only solution to this mess is suicide... there's nothing else which cuts through... well everything, the same way. It makes all the struggle, all the torment, all the questions and fighting and spiraling out of control just go away. And the cost is something I don't value anyway, I'm not worth a damn thing... There's no reason for me to put it off any more. And yet I've kept putting it off until now. But I can't find a reason to break this toxic cycle now. I honestly don't think I really care about anything. I just want to stop.