Toxic Relationship

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lucy2423, May 6, 2015.

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  1. lucy2423

    lucy2423 New Member

    Hello to all. This is my first time posting to this site. Thank you for letting me be part of this.
    For the last year I have been involved in a relationship that can be described in no other way as toxic.
    It started out as a friendship (we're coworkers) but it quickly developed into more. A lot more. The biggest problem with this is that he's married and has no intentions of leaving her. Now, if I were smart, I wouldn't have even let this develop but I really thought it was just going to be a friendship. But now we're both in love with each other (at least that's what he tells me...I know I'm in love with him). I've tried to distance myself and I've tried to move away from this but it's like I'm addicted to him. The thought of not having him in my life breaks me apart. When things come up that keep us from seeing each other or we have issues that make me think he'll leave, I start to have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes the thoughts about our "future" are so overwhelming, I just want to escape myself. I can't stand the thought that I fell in love with someone I can never have. It's a pointless relationship and a pointless journey but I don't know how to get off this path.
    Has anyone ever had a similar situation happen to them?
    And, please, I ask that you don't attack me for my situation with him. I already beat myself up constantly about it so I don't need anyone else to attack me.
    Thank you for taking the time to read this!
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are in a difficult situation that more people are in and have been in than you can imagine. NO sense in beating yourself up over it, that would be energy better spent trying to develop interests and things to do with your time away from that person and sincerely hope that time and interests help you grow apart and perhaps find the opportunity to find somebody new where you can be an equal in the relationship as opposed to a side dish. You cannot just will yourself to stop loving somebody, but you can will yourself to find other things that you enjoy doing with your time until there are some other good things that you have deserted for the sake of finding time with him. Just do the same as got you in the situation in revers- add other interests and hobbies back in until there is not time in your life left for that relationship. Easier said than done, but still possible.
  3. winduptoy

    winduptoy Active Member

    Hopefully you no longer need help with this situation, but just in case, I would like to recommend another forum that has helped me in the past. If I'm breaking any forum rules please delete this post. It's - What you said about feeling addicted to this person reminded me of feelings I've had about people in the past. This forum may offer you some help in moving on when it feels like you absolutely can't do so.
  4. lucy2423

    lucy2423 New Member

    I actually still am in this situation. Just had a pretty big blow out today. It feels like it's slowly crumbling apart - which is probably for the best.
    My weekend went to crap because of a bad outing with a friend on Saturday night. It made me question so much about my life and I had a really rough day yesterday. I think it's the closest I've come to actually thinking about doing something. I know I'm still very far away from actually killing myself, my thoughts crept a little closer to that end result yesterday. It terrified me because I felt myself sink deeper than I ever have before.
    I thought I had some plans with him today but as the day got closer it just became less and less of what we were going to do. Until today when he cancelled everything. I totally freaked out on him because it seems like whenever I need him, he bails on me. He knew I was having a very rough time with things and what does he do? He ditches me! So now he's not even talking to me and I honestly don't really care right now. I'm in a numb place so it's not bothering me so the moment, anyway.
    I will check out that website you mentioned. It looks like it could be very interesting and a good place for me to spend some time. Thank you!
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