i just got back from a trip i had been looking forward to for months and months. i finally got to hang out again with the first (maybe only?) person i've ever felt really understands me without me having to say anything really ... i'll call him daniel. he gets my jokes, he gets my offbeat sense of humor, he gets the darkness, he gets the quirks, he doesn't freak out at some of the things i do, he wants to help me do the things i want to do, he's honest, he's caring, he's brilliant. when i'm with him, i feel happy and confident ... i don't feel the oppressive weight of the world on my shoulders, i don't feel like the world is going to or SHOULD end tomorrow, i don't want to die ... i know it's not he who is bringing this out in me, it's just that ... there's something about him that just ... is. and i can't explain it. so i left yesterday and returned last night. my "boyfriend" (who we'll call pace) ... who i can barely stand the sight of, let alone claim to like or even love (and yes, we live together ... it's a miserable situation, i hate living with him, i hate being in his house, i hate the way he threatens me, i hate the way he treats me, i hate that he expects me to do everything that he wants just to appease him, and more than anything else, i hate the fact that i'm still living with him and haven't just had the balls to say fuck off, goodbye. part of it is the money ... i can't afford a place of my own, but that's a poor excuse. i could always find a roommate ... it just seems so hard sometimes. i feel like the whole task, the whole situations is insurmountable. and i'm miserable. and haven't been this suicidal in a long time.) ... anyway, as soon as i came off the plane he insulted my intelligence (unintentionally because he's an uneducated, politically incorrect, insenstive buffoon) and then insulted my job and that just set me off. i've been getting worse and worse by the hour. the entire way home i thought about daniel and was sad ... not to be going back to pace, just to be going back to the whole situation. daniel and i talked about what would happen if we lived in the ideal world ... he said that i would live closer (we live several thousand miles from each other ... fla and michigan). and then told me to just see what happened in time. wait and wait is what he basically told him. oh, the other catch is that we both work for the same company and this whole trip was under the radar anyway. i talked to him earlier and it just reinforced my feelings. i really hope this goes away after a while or dissipates or ... something. because i can't live like this. pace is going to drive me nuts and perhaps even kick me out of his house. i don't care. i really don't. daniel? i have no idea what is going to happen. all i know is that if i don't figure something out soon i'm going to end up in the er or cut the shit out of some part of my body or do something else stupid. i just want to feel good. i felt good for a while. i want that back. i can't concentrate at work today ... i doubt i will be able to do anything at home later ... i just want to either make it end or go back. be near daniel. and i don't know if that would make his space feel threatened. i guess just ... anywhere is better than here right now. i don't feel safe and i don't know who to talk to or what to do. fuck!