trainwreck

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by iracund, Aug 1, 2007.

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  1. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    i just got back from a trip i had been looking forward to for months and months. i finally got to hang out again with the first (maybe only?) person i've ever felt really understands me without me having to say anything really ... i'll call him daniel. he gets my jokes, he gets my offbeat sense of humor, he gets the darkness, he gets the quirks, he doesn't freak out at some of the things i do, he wants to help me do the things i want to do, he's honest, he's caring, he's brilliant. when i'm with him, i feel happy and confident ... i don't feel the oppressive weight of the world on my shoulders, i don't feel like the world is going to or SHOULD end tomorrow, i don't want to die ... i know it's not he who is bringing this out in me, it's just that ... there's something about him that just ... is. and i can't explain it.

    so i left yesterday and returned last night. my "boyfriend" (who we'll call pace) ... who i can barely stand the sight of, let alone claim to like or even love (and yes, we live together ... it's a miserable situation, i hate living with him, i hate being in his house, i hate the way he threatens me, i hate the way he treats me, i hate that he expects me to do everything that he wants just to appease him, and more than anything else, i hate the fact that i'm still living with him and haven't just had the balls to say fuck off, goodbye. part of it is the money ... i can't afford a place of my own, but that's a poor excuse. i could always find a roommate ... it just seems so hard sometimes. i feel like the whole task, the whole situations is insurmountable. and i'm miserable. and haven't been this suicidal in a long time.)

    ... anyway, as soon as i came off the plane he insulted my intelligence (unintentionally because he's an uneducated, politically incorrect, insenstive buffoon) and then insulted my job and that just set me off. i've been getting worse and worse by the hour. the entire way home i thought about daniel and was sad ... not to be going back to pace, just to be going back to the whole situation.

    daniel and i talked about what would happen if we lived in the ideal world ... he said that i would live closer (we live several thousand miles from each other ... fla and michigan). and then told me to just see what happened in time. wait and wait is what he basically told him. oh, the other catch is that we both work for the same company and this whole trip was under the radar anyway. i talked to him earlier and it just reinforced my feelings.

    i really hope this goes away after a while or dissipates or ... something. because i can't live like this. pace is going to drive me nuts and perhaps even kick me out of his house. i don't care. i really don't. daniel? i have no idea what is going to happen. all i know is that if i don't figure something out soon i'm going to end up in the er or cut the shit out of some part of my body or do something else stupid. i just want to feel good. i felt good for a while. i want that back. i can't concentrate at work today ... i doubt i will be able to do anything at home later ... i just want to either make it end or go back. be near daniel. and i don't know if that would make his space feel threatened. i guess just ... anywhere is better than here right now. i don't feel safe and i don't know who to talk to or what to do. fuck!
     
  2. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    short question too since i started this thread anyway ... i have to go to the shrink in a week or so. might move my appointment up if i can't shake this since i don't even want to be alive right now, much less awake.

    the question is this ... if i tell my shrink that i've been suicidal a lot lately, is he obligated to send me to the hospital for a psych evaluation or can he just deal with me by himself in his office as he sees fit? (i'm in the usa btw) (i've never been totally honest about my suicidal tendencies with my shrinks ... can't afford to be in a hospital, lose my job, etc etc etc. ... just can't handle it ... can't handle it ... can't handle it. might as well just find a tall building.)
     
  3. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    hi..well environment influences alot and to change that is a good step forward. Maybe(daniel) can help in some way either by offering you a place to stay temporarily or even assit in finding a place for you even if you cant make it to mich atleast move out of the place you are in. That is having such a negative impact and it is not fair to you.
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Having suicidal thoughts will not make your shrink bound to hospitalize you unless these thoughts contain a plan and the means to carry out the plan. As long as they only remain thoughts.

    As to your current situation: you need to end things with pace and get away from him. It sounds as if he is part of your problem. there is no need for you to stay in a realtionship where you are not treated well and you do not even like the person. You have established you are much better off without him. Do what you can to help yourself.You cannot improve your depressive mood if you remain in a depressive or unhealthy situation. Can you relocate with your company? Sometimes that can be an option. Sorry I am not of much help to you, but I hope you can get to where you are in a better place emotionally. Take care. ;hug:
     
  5. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    i've thought about this scott. i guess the part of me that thinks that daniel would really help immensly or *could* help immensly is afraid to ask him for help because i don't want to be a burden on him. he doesn't deserve to have to deal with all my crap in addition to his work and all ... but at the same time i feel like he's the only person who wouldn't get angry or misunderstand or yell or ... really make things worse than they already are. shit ... it's even hard to write this without wanting to punch something and cry. i guess i'm just not sure how much i want to rely on daniel. i don't want to put him in a bad situation or put any additional burden on him. at the same time, i don't know what else to do. i can't do THIS anymore. be it with his help or the help of someone else, i have to get out of here or i fear ... i'm just going to lose it and start hurting myself again.

    gentlelady ... i know you are right about pace. i need to get out of this ... i just ... it just seems so hard sometimes. and the last time i got out of a relationship (nothing like this, but still i was not really in control of what was going on at the time) my parents extracted (basically kidnapped?) me and then after some lack of progress on my part to finish something that we agreed i would, they kicked me out and then i ended up at pace's. not because i wanted to be with him, but rather because i had no place else to go. or at least i felt that way at the time. and yes, it was a stupid and poor decision that i regret. but that ALSO means that i feel like i can't ask my parents for help even though they are the only people who live closer than 20 hours away by car.

    so the other part of me just says pack as much stuff in your car as you can and run. run. run. i don't know where to, but run.

    i guess i need to talk to daniel. and my shrink. i know that some of it is the let down from the anticipation of the last few months, but i don't feel like i should feel this awful with the med cocktail i am on. or maybe this is just what normal depressed feels like. though i kinda doubt it since i'm not sure that normal depressed includes suicidal tendencies???
     
  6. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    well, I don't know the specifics between you and daniel but if he is aware of your situation it can't hurt to try. Another option is parents . Even though the last time it didn't work out well. it still can be an option that is available and one that may have to be considered. I hated my home life. My mom had a chemical imbalance and was verbally abusive . and when I got out of there I really didn't want to return to live. But I ran into a lot problems and really had no choice. I just had to deal with it the best I could until I got on my feet again. But staying where you are now is not good at all. You have to do whats best for you.
     
  7. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    i don't feel like my parents would even be willing to help me. if i told them i was suicidal, they would feel obligated to help and want to be waaaaay to involved with my shrinks etc. i appreciate the thought and concern, but i what goes on between my shrink and i is my business. and i'm not big on cbt, so no real reason to go there.

    daniel's pretty well aware of the situation. i really just feel ... trapped. i don't even want to go home. i'm contemplating just going in my car somewhere and taking a bunch of pills and sleeping all night and seeing if i wake up in the morning. i just don't think i can deal with this much longer. it's destroying me. eating me up inside.
     
  8. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    Ok slow down.... let me tell you something I will generalize as much as possible. When I had hit bottom I was crashing at various friends houses and was on one of my alcohol benders. I decided that I woul keep going this time. I disappeared for about 3 days.. (Mainly due to lack of courage to finish.. when I got back to my friends I got the third degree after I told him what my plans were. He inturn called my parents at 3am. they drove an hour to meet me and we had a long talk and I laid it on the table and geuss what 17 years later I am still here plugging away at it. Now am not sure about your relationship with family and friends but I will tell you this they were there to help. I changed my situation and it was definitely hard but I had support. My parents were quick to get me to agree to a therapist and or meds but I refused. They were willing to let me try on my own and closely watch. Never underestimate friends and family because despite my porblems with mine they would have thrown their lives away to save mine. Now again I know that doesn't fit everyones situation but don't be afraid to reach out.. you might be surprised.
     
  9. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    ok, so as i left work today and was going for a short ride by myself just to clear my head. called pace and told him and he totally freaked out, something about him needing my help and wanting me to go to the store for him and wanting to use my car to go play poker etc. etc. ... then he hung up on me.

    i tried to call him back a few times, but he was obviously ignoring my calls. when he finally called me back it was to ask if i would be home in like 15 minutes or so because his lotto tickets were in my car and he wanted to be able to play them. i said no, and asked why on earth he would expect me to be home immediately after work anyway and he went on this tangent of "i expect someone i'm living with to be home after work blah blah blah blah i'm not your nigg**, go find someplace else to stay, i'm done with you, you'll find all your shit on the lawn." yeah ... and i'm the bipolar one?

    so anyway, i came home to deliver the friggin lotto tickets ... don't know why ... should have just told him to go fuck himself, but he has no respect whatsoever for other people's belongings and everything of mine is here, so i don't want him to break anything. bad reason, but i did it anyway.

    i walked into the house and he was in the bedroom throwing all my shit into bags and completely being unreasonable and irrationable. granted, i don't give a shit because he means anything to me, but i do hate being completely homeless. his first thing was "call your fucking parents, i don't care ... just get out!" and then went on this unreasonable tangent about how he never has my help with anything (i do 80% of the shopping, cooking, and cleaning around here, so that's complete bullshit). i think he's pissed that i left for a few days (and no, i never told him i was visiting daniel. i fed him some other story because it was easier that way. dishonest i know, but ... with that irrational response from me taking a drive, can you blame me??)

    honestly ... i just don't know what the fuck to do. right now seems like a great time just to end it all. there's no point in being in the here and now. there are other places i think i could make it ok, but i'm not sure how to go about it. i don't even think my parents are in town to help me. i just fucking don't know. all i can think about right now is cutting. cut something, make some of this pain go away. take a few more pills and have a few more beers. i just can't take it. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i don't know how except on a stretcher. i'm so desperate i can't stand it.
     
  10. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    You know what isntead of looking as this being a negative .. try looking as it as a positve. From the way it sounds the relationship is over and basically you are no longer living there. Which be all accounts was what you were looking for anyhow but not having a place to go to seemed to be delaying t. I think you are intelligent enough to get things figured out. Sometimes when we want to change a bad situation but dont because of uncertainty on what is next, how to do it, and how is it going to be possible. What usually ends up happening is we never make the change . Instead we decide that it is to hard to take the first step. We look for validation in staying put. Now I have done that plenty of times. I have also had where the situation has changed on its own and that basically left me no choice then but to move forward and it scared the piss out of me. Looking back am glad it did happen because if it didn't I would have still been where I was today.. so I would focus all your energy on the next step and there are many options even if living in the car or staying at friends... Just stay positive and continue to focus on the next step. Keep me informed . Ps. The one thing you don't want to do is kiss his ass and get him to take you back.. because you are now in a position to make a change ..run with it...
     
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