Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mike25, May 5, 2009.
I'll make that a distant memory. Lieing behavior is nothing unusual.
It tried to bury me alive, that ugly thing, but I don't think it has a shovel.
Talking of psychopathic individuals with no empathy whatsoever...
Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
The Joker: Yeah.
-The Dark Knight (2008)
Remember, the bankers robbed us first.
Mike, Im here if you need someone to talk to. :arms:
Thanks daisychain, likewise :smile:
The only way forward is peaceful non-compliance with 'the' agenda.
Government should be a whisper in the background of our lives, instead of a commanding presence in the foreground shoving rules down our throat.
It's Britney, bitch... Miss American Queen rocking in London in June :smile:
Womanizer/WomanICEr is the sequel to Break the Ice, & that my friend is artistic genius.
And who might you be sweetheart?
You call yourself *? Pull your tongue out of my ars*ehole!
I'm gonna be watching you, & I don't care where you go, and you can f*ck off to Tibet, and I shall have men, nutters, from Parkhurst dressed in Yetti suits up Everest if necessary. Well you should know what I'm f*cking talking about you soppy tart. You're skating on thin f*cking ice my pedigree chums and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now f*ck off.
Now what've you gotta tell me that's so f*ckin important?.... Are you taking the p*ss? There's a campsite full of pikeys who might not think you're so f*ckin funny.
Get us a cuppa tea would you Errol? Now I know you why you come back here, so now you can check. If I throw a dog a bone, I don't wanna know if it tastes good or not, of course f*ckin of course, I wasn't asking, I was telling. You f*ckin pratt.
Do you know what Nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent personified in this case by a 'orrible c*nt... me.
You're a ruthless little **** *, I'll give you that, but I got no time for grasses. Feed 'em to the pigs Errol, and let the dogs finish what they don't.
Where d'ya lose your dignity? It's not a set of f*ckin car keys is it, and it's not as if it's incon-f*ckin-spicuous now is it?
Now go and put the kettle on. No sugar thanks Errol, I'm sweet enough.
Diary this week:
Monday - rowing
Tuesday - Badminton
Bridge Club on Wednesday
Needlework on Thursday
Dancing on a Friday night!
Let the music smother me, whole weekend recovery, just to see the lady I adore dancing on the dancing floor! Whoop Whoop!
I'm not a good person to know. If I was someone else, I wouldn't wanna know me. This isn't low self-esteem. It's alright, I get it. It hurts, but they're correct in their assessment.
I won't fight anymore.
Transcriped Letter from dad:
Friday, 12 June 2009
Mike, have changed my will as was discussed, I do it with your blessing I understand, didn't want it to be like this, but you knew you hurt me over (grand)dad, and you weren't going to do it to me again.
You've had your pound of flesh off of this family, there ain't gonna be no more. The thought of you and your mum benefitting off of my will actually makes me sick.
You had a massive opportunity to put it right and you chose to twist the knife more.
If your so in touch with god, you have a word with him about it. I'm well in touch with my god and don't need no pictures or voodoo bulbs. (Reference to Sacred Heart birthday present)
As I struggle every day with my diabetes, to do work that you could have helped me with, make no mistake, I will no be contacting you again,
28 and you just joined the "waste of space tribe",
You won't come to my funeral, but of course you will be notified when I die, and I really hope your not bad enough to contest the will, just remember, you don't want to know my family, you sat on your arse and let my dad die, you will sit on your arse and let me die, someone else will bury me, and I trust that you won't contest the will. It was your decision not to know my family, don't insult us by trying to pick our pockets. Just get on with your life.
I enclose my "letter of wishes", this is a document that will be attached to my will, you will see that it agrees with everything that you put in your letters to me, how horrible I was, how bad I was to you. What a terrible father you perceive me to be. The fact that you don't want anything to do with us. You have a warped view of our history, well that's down to you. I got no sympathy left for someone that hates me so much.
So cya and have a good life, I hope you find what you want.
Letter of wishes
Friday, 05 June 2009
This is my letter of wishes, I have 2 children, I wish to leave my estate to my daughter, as I think she deserves it and will be able to appropriate it properly.
There are 3 main bank accounts, 2 with abbey and 1 with Halifax... 2 savers and one current account.
There are 2 flats, one leasehold at * r******d grove, and one freehold at **a A*****h road postcode
I do have a surviving illegitimate son, who calls himself Michael H***n M****y, but we have never got on. I do not get on with him or his alcoholic mother.
My son lived with me for a while because his alcoholic mother could not cope, I found him very difficult to live with but I fed and clothed him until he went to university when he was 18. our family (my father and myself) supported him for a short time at university, but he proved a poor student and wouldn't study preferring instead to follow his sports and go to the pictures. It was no surprise when he flunked his exams 3 times.
He told me when he left my house for university that he was happy to be leaving my home as he found me a poor father. I, on the other hand knew that had received my full support in everything he wanted to do, he has shown complete ingratitude, He has continuously told me what he thinks of me as a fater and has hurt me on many occasions, through nasty letters.
I have tried to communicate with my son, but he neither answers the landline or his mobile phone, letters are answered with hate and false accusations of the past.
My son has shown a complete disrespect for this side of his family, preferring instead his mothers family, my father was distraught at his grandsons view of our family, and when he died, my son never evern turned up at his funeral, and left me and my daughter to pay our respects. I notified my son a couple of times of his granddads condition, and still he never showed up at the hospital, and then never showed up at his funeral.
My son had no problem however in taking a bequest left to him by his grandfather. He bought a car and paid off his overdraft and put the rest in a bank, but he will still not commit to us.
My daughter on the other hand has been supportive and communicative.
It is for this reason that I wish to leave everything to my daughter, if I survive my daughter, and don't get the chance to change my will, I would like everything Left, after all my bills are paid, to go to the catholic church, I say categorically, I don't see why a son that turns his back on part of his family should ever benefit from that said family, he has alread benefitted once, I am ashamed to call him my son, he has been given plenty of opportunity to change things, he vehemently refuses to do so, this shows his resolve at not wanting anything to do with us.
I also wish to make it clear that I do not see me leaving my son out of my will as a punishment to him, I have told him what is going to happen, he agrees with me, he says he doesn't care, he much prefers his mothers side of the family and never liked my side of the family as his actions have proved. The result of his action or inaction, depending on how it is perceived, is the reason I leave everything to my daughter. Let there be no doubt as this is my final wish.
The transcription in the previous post was the culmination of the following exchange of letters and events that started in April'09, after 3.5 years of not speaking:
Me here..your dad, he who you don't talk to. Well I kept asking your mates, none of em have seen you, or they weren't telling, last they heard, you packed up the football team and they never saw you again. I myself going to Sainsbury's and Tesco's, thinking if you were still round there, I would be bound to see you. But nothing. Nobody seen you, so I drive through the m******* estate whenever I can, and nothing, Katie caulker lives in j***** house, I asked her, and yep, you guessed it... nothing. You should see my old ford focus parked outside j***** house if you ever get the chance to look, I sold it to Katie, she is taking driving lessons.
You contacted Marina, she was well pleased, then you said it was a mistake, all you said was that you were in London, not where.... So no clues there then, the solicitor sent you some money, and I requested a copy of your receipt, you must have changed your signature, that's not the signature you had when I knew you, you got a right flash one now.
Granddad had some cards for you, cards he had bought, but because he never knew where you were, he couldn't send them, bit hard for me to read them actually, “where is he” he asked, I don't know, I replied, “is he in London or Brighton” he said, I told you dad, I don't know.
Bit late now eh!
Anyway, finally, I had an idea, I marched into the town hall, and asked to see the electoral roll. Do you have an appointment.. She said,
Nope.. I said,
Oh it don't matter she said
I said I wanna see the latest electoral roll for this borough and who lives in ** G******* house.
She showed me the list and there it was, M***** M****y and Michael H***n.
That was a bit of a relief, I had no idea whether you got your inheritance or not, thought it was someone making out they were you.
So mike, now I know this letter will actually reach you.....”how ya getting on son”,
“oh ok dad, hows you... whats been happening”
“what ya sayin son, ya really want to know”
“course I do dad, I am your only son ain't I.”
“yes you are mike”,...”well ok then”.
Didn't think I would take dads death so hard, we were never really that close, but it hurt, so sudden, so hard watching him die, felt so helpless. So much left unsaid.... I was asked to make the decision to terminate his life, I didn't want to, but I couldn't see dad in a coma struggling for every breath, he wouldn't have wanted to live like that,
You've seen the will, dad left some to his brother g****, suppose that's gone in the bookies by now. Marina was in the will, so I notified her, found out she was living in the same place, through a mate, she came to the funeral, her and *****, the boyfriend. She phones me once a week, we talk for about an hour. She was a bit disappointed you never carried on the contact.
I had a job last year, I was an asst site manager on a building site, but got made redundant after 6 months. So shit happens eh. At this moment in time, I have booked up to do an hgv course, I fancy driving on the motorway with no one breathing down me neck. Dunno if it will happen, probably wind up delivering jelly babies all round London. Anyway the medical is proving hard to get, my eyesight and diabetes is letting me down, but hope to get my provisional licence anyway.
Can't sign on, cos have let dads flat, don't get much for it, but I hardly drink, smoke occasionally im afraid, but trying to pack up again,
I'm still going out with sue most of the time, in between disagreements. She looks after katies boy a couple of times a week. At this moment in time, I am teaching her how to ride.... (a bike). She has never learnt so I bought her an old bone shaker for 25 quid off of ebay, and we go to epping for a cycle, she fell in a bunch of stinging nettles last week, I would have helped her up but I was laughing too much. She's ok peddling .. just cant steer. She is just about to start fostering kids. Probably wont see her so much then cos it's a full time job.
M****** c******* (sues son) is living with some woman 11 yrs older than him, he is working as a plumber up highbury quadrant for the council, he has done some work on your flats, surprised you havn't seen him. He is on good money, but nobody ever sees it. He never has a pot to piss in, draw your own conclusions.
See Erren now and again, he says hello, I wouldn't trust that fucker as far as I could throw him, he has developed this personality of making out he is your friend, lots of please and thank you's, but you know he would turn you over the first chance he got. He is still mugging Jason the postie for money, I hear he threatened him with a knife last time.
Jason is now a Chelsea supporter, he is disillusioned with the arsenal. You can have him back if you want, he thinks Chelsea should bid for emile heskey, fucking ning nong....Jason eh!
Anyway, enough of this boring life, what happens now. Think it would be an idea if you got in touch, it would be a good idea to talk. I said to you more than once that we should never stop talking, it hurts.. well it hurts me anyway. Nothing should come between a dad and his son. A fathers love for his son is unconditional, I told you that, and maybe one day you will find that out for yourself. I've never been perfect...(who is), but im far from imperfect. I only had your best interests at heart. Things may not have worked out how you planned them but there are a million paths in this life, and most are acceptable. But some paths are totally unacceptable, it's a life..... lead it and enjoy it. Some horrible people in this world, but some good ones as well, find em and socialise with them. Find something you really want to do, you will be good at it, follow your dream, it may be your only chance. No university, no exams, no pressure, hey things are looking up already.
One thing I know mike, is that a mind highly trained like yours, when lift idle, can start making its own very complicated problems. Point that highly trained mind in the right direction, and make happiness your goal.
Phone or text or write, im still at the same address. You should know I have mellowed somewhat, hope this suits you.
Your “shitbag son” here, the one you “washed your hands of” in Nov'05, whose Mum you labelled a “Rottweiller” & a “stinking Irish slag”.
You can profess unconditional love til the Cows come home, but the truth is you never loved Mum therefore you couldn't love me. You genuinely loved Sharon hence Marina is different. So what do you seek? You don't need to feel guilty – it's okay.
I don't think my signature is flash. I'm not that kind of person.
I havn't seen your Ford Focus, but I think I saw Katie on the Estate the other week. Not sure because I havn't seen her for years, which is a good thing since she always used to look miserable as sin, barely managing to utter a moody grunt if you said 'Hello'. To be fare, I'd feel depressed if I had a brother like Michael Caulker too.
Yeah I packed up the football cos it's the same old boys club. James Bell dictating to meatheads who hang on his every word. Plus they didn't like my hard but fare brand of tackling & hustling. Bloody fairies.
You know well I received the generous inheritance left by Granddad & Gran. I passed my driving test in '06, so I've used som to buy a little motor. It's going well, no crashes, & only one road rage incident.
I got a job as a postie at Royal Mail in summer '06. They stuck me in a hell hole office next to... wait for it... Sainsbury's H*******. Full of assholes. Had me wallet nicked on the first day, a row with a black **** on the second day, told the line manager to go fuck himself on the third day, had left by the fourth day. Thought I had a job in Waitrose Marylebone Road, but they kicked up over my health history and it fell through. So now I'm washed up on £90.00 a week benefits. Trying to go voluntary with the Met Police (foot in the door kinda thing), but my references are non-existent.
Poor Sue. I think you should tell her about the time you tried to cycle my BMX...
Havn't seen Erren for months. I don't know the ins and outs of what's happening with him and Jason, but it probably involves a woman.
One reason it (apparently) hurts you if we stop talking is because you're not in control, & have no opportunity to weave your subtle manipulative skills. Saying that, you deserve credit for heartfelt effort, a lot of Dads couldn't give a Monkeys.
“It's a life, enjoy it/follow your dream/Make happiness your goal/Be the best you can be, 2 bee or not 2 bee/” - Sorry, but that's all hocus pocus empty slogans to me. Plato's Cave and shadows on the wall etc. My life is to gladly suffer in this world, in hope of the next, God willing.
P.s Of course I love you, even if you are a moody old goat! (only kiddin!)
I enclose your letter for reference:
Your shitbag son here............you're not a shitbag and I never said you were,
The one you washed your hands of.......your dreaming, other way round, I've tried to contact you more than you tried to contact me, we genuinely never knew where you were, you sent cards with no address, you said you didn't like London, and if you stayed in brighton, you wouldn't have been in student accommodation cos you was no longer a student....remember...why would I lie.
Mum Rottweiler and stinking Irish slag......she wouldn't let me talk to you like she was on guard, she doesn't want you to have anything to do with me....stinking Irish slag..she played the field when I was with her and tried to get me done when I wasn't with her, you were there with her and Jim, you heard what was said then, and many other times...didn't he tell you he was going to do your dad with a machete, your mum would have loved that, it was a long time ago, forget about it.... She lost no opportunity to slag me off and she still does it... and you know it. Are you telling her not to slag your dad off.
You never loved mum, therefore you couldn't love me........illogical....no I didn't love your mum, she was a drunk and an adulterer.....watch spock or data on star trek for a lesson in logic. Your mum hasn't had an easy life either, and I probably know more than you, in fact I know I do.
You loved Sharon therefore marina is different..... I am under no illusion that marina sees me merely as her biological father, I am trying to get some history going, but seeing her 3 or 4 times a year isn't helpful. But I try to cultivate the relationship with both my children, me and you should be better, we actually bonded, something that me and marina never did to my eternal regret, we just have to try, I have no favourites, I love you both, you need to believe it..
You don't need to feel guilty, its okay...... I don't feel guilty, not with you, any feelings of guilt I had disappeared when you left me to watch my father die. What did he ever do to you? You got a message from your mates and from the Macmillan nurse, (where again your mum slagged me off) then you left me and your sister to bury him. Then your turn your back on us, it's ok, that you don't want to know me or your sister, but you held your greedy palm out for the money didn't you, you could have refused it if you didn't want anything to do with this family, it says volumes for what you've become, so don't lay no guilt trip on me. You need to answer that charge mike, not with malice, but with honesty, but of course you won't go there will you.
Katie not as miserable as she used to be, she would talk to you if you talked to her, she herself has said that she probably wouldn't recognise you, Becky is living on c******* road, you remember James bells sister.
Shame about the footie, should have joined another team. You were good at it. And you enjoyed it. You're right about bell, and if you are going to play your footie hard and fast, be prepared to take a right hander, and give one. There's so much anger in you, you should enjoy it.
I didn't know you received the inheritance, you never told us, we didn't know if you were still there, I wondered whether they had given your mum a ground floor flat cos she can't get out, someone else could have been living there, all we had was some signature that could have come from anybody. A letter wouldn't have gone amiss.
Road rage ay, welcome to London.
Post office and Sainsbury's.... I would stay away from Haringey if I was you, try city or west end.
Washed up on 90 quid a week benefits...... your not washed up, you think you are. I turned my life round in late 40s. Why are you so different?
No I won't tell sue about the BMX incident. When me nuts nearly came out through the top of my head. You showed amazing control that day, with a straight face and laughing like a hyena inside. The tremble of your lips gave that away.
Erren and Jason, no not about a woman, it was about money, Erren demanded Jason lend him 500 quid or he would stab him, he did and of course never got it back.
One reason it hurts you if we're not talking is because you're not in control.......So when does advice become control, tell me one time I advised you wrongly.......Oh what.... University. You were encouraged, and supported by everyone including your mum, me and granddad, both morally and financially, you fucked up, and its about time you took responsibility for it, stop bellyaching, it was an experience, it never worked out, shit, we've all fucked up..... move on for fucks sake. It's becoming boring.
My manipulative skills......would I ever manipulate you into doing something to your detriment. Get real..If I manipulate my son into doing the right thing, I make no apology....(Ooh hope that's not a manipulative statement).
It's a life, enjoy it etc. .... You throw my help back in my face mike. Just trying to tell you it's not as bad as you think. And then you say “my hope is to gladly suffer in this world in the hope of the next”, well if what I said was bollocks, then what you said is twice as much bollocks.
Ps. I love you even if you are a moody ole goat..... .. I'm glad you love me, I love you too. Was that bit about only kiddin (goat) a joke..... well for your info, I am not a moody old goat, you're the moody one, I see signs of the old Michael, don't knock him, he wasn't bitter and twisted and on the sick. He was a great fella, with a great sense of humour, and could relate a great story, he loved his sport and was shy round girls, a normal young fella is what I would call it, I was very proud of him. Especially when he passed, and I just wanted to take the pain away from him when he didn't pass. ...... I didn't like much about your letter, especially the beginning...but it wasn't all bad, you're in there somewhere......Come out and give your ole man a hug......oh and don't forget me birthday card.
I know you won't like some of, the things in this letter, I would much rather have talked to you, I'm not going to massage your ego, you havn't got one, I know what it is, you have low self esteem and you use your anger as a defence, its like stay away from me, cos if you get too close, you might hurt me. You're not interested in logic and common sense, about 5 yrs ago, you learnt to take the easy path, even if it was not the right thing to do, you didn't care that the easy path would be the wrong path, as it suited you. You twist the facts to make it appear that you are a victim. You convince yourself that what you are doing is right. If it doesn't suit you, turn your back on it, if you don't like what someone tells you to do, tell em to fuck of. You need a reality check, always worth discussing with your mum or me or marina, or someone else you trust, try doing a bit of voluntary down the catholic church, people much worse off than you down there, talk to the big fella on the cross, god knows I'm fed up of asking him to help my son see the light, he ain't listening, I'm off there tomorrow, find out what he's so busy doing, that he cant give my only son a helping hand. Think he is too busy trying to turn the arsenal into a premiership winning side. Are you looking for answers mike, go and sit by granny and grandads grave, there is a seat there for you. You will cry your eyes out, and all the answers will come to you, I guarantee. They... like me, still love you, and we want you back in the fold. Ask them for help, It's the best therapy you will ever get, I should know, it's what I've done. No one will know, just you.
To be honest, I didn't want to open your letter, I sensed it would be nasty, you have contempt for me, I don't deserve it mike, I've never told you what to do since you went to uni... never, but if a father cant look out for his son, he aint much of a dad. The advice was free, but you made the decisions, most of which I disagreed with, I have tried to patch things up on more than one occasion with you and you have ignored me, you promised to write to me the xmas before last, you never did. We need to get back on track, If you were to have a choice of being happy or sad, why would you want to be sad. Like saying you want Chelsea to beat arsenal. Which of course we don't seem able to do. If you knew how much you have hurt me, I'm sure you wouldn't have done some of the things you have, or have you changed that much that you enjoy getting what you perceive as your own back, some sort of revenge thing, well okay, job done, now let's try and build bridges.
When you don't respond to me, it hurts, when you do respond, it hurts, what am I supposed to think. You need to step up to the plate, or let me know where I stand, If you don't want to try and make a go of it, let me know and I wont trouble you again. I don't even want to give you that choice, but worrying about you is beginning to take its toll, I cant make you talk to me, and once again, its your decision, I cannot allow it to destroy me, many times in my life, I have had to come to terms with disappointments, but I won't that out on the world or anybody else. I hope you don't do that either...., you have so much talent, and of course, I 'm never wrong....
Monday 13th April 2009
You left a message on voicemail in 2007, saying:
“Tell your sh*tbag son his Granddad is dieing of cancer, and you can go & f*ck yourself you dirty stinking Irish sl*g.”
Calling to mind a voicemail you left in November 2005 in which you said:
“It's not what you've done, it's how you've done it, I wash me hands of ya.”
Quote: “You never loved Mum, therefore you couldn't love me..... illogical... no I didn't love your Mum,”
Since when was love logical? I wasn't conceived in love and that's a problem because I've always been more like Mum in appearance and personality. I remind you of her, and that's a major reason why you were overly hard on me when I lived with you. I once asked if you'd have been less cruel had Marina lived with you in her teenage years. You said
“Yes, because she's a girl.” Another reason is because she was born of Sharon whom you truly loved. You inherently respect Marina, but not me. You've purposefully humiliated me in public and private; never Marina. You insulted me daily in such terms as 'Dopey C*nt, Dopey F*cker, Dopey looking c*nt, you sap, wank*r, Boll*cks, Boll*ck chops, Prick Features, Mr Dickhead, Mr Dopey person, stupid f*cker', you definitely wouldn't have called Marina such repugnant names. Your feelings towards me mirror your feelings towards Mum, and your treatment of Marina parallels your feelings for Sharon.
Quote: “but you held your greedy palm out for the money didn't you?... it says volumes for what you've become.”
You don't know who I am, you never did, you never will. Granddad and Gran left £25,000 to me with a good heart, only you know the real reason you'd resent that.
Quote: “God knows I'm fed up asking him to help my son see the light”
Try taking the plank out of your own eye before you attempt to remove the speck in mine.
I had to try but it didn't work so I wish you all the best in your life, you obviously have a deep resentment of me, that's ok, suppose I'll have to live with that, not going to address any of the points in your letter, think its too late for that. I never thought my son would grow to hate me as much as you do. But I suppose that's life.
I have to change my will obviously to reflect our new position, at the moment there are no favourites everything going 50-50, obviously there is a question over your parentage, but even if there wasn't, you have made it perfectly clear that you don't want to be part of this family, but you are happy if there is some money in it for you, I don't think that's right so I intend to clear that up with a solicitor at my earliest convenience. I'm sure that cutting all the ties to the Hogan family will please you more than just losing a small inheritance.
Marina received a note off of facebook last week with your name on it, you must have re-signed or something, it just said you wanted to be her friend, but facebook always send those speculative emails anyway. Not a good idea to contact her, she is not really interested and would prefer no contact.
Why don't you change your (sur)name back to M*****, it would please your mum no end. I assume this letter will be a massive relief for you.
Sunday 19th April 2009
Quote:”Obviously there is a question over your parentage”
At last, you admit your doubts about me. Thank you – that explains a hell of a lot. Now I can write a proper letter. Funny thing is, I've never had doubts you're my father. We should clear it up and have a paternity test, I'll go halves on the cost (well not me, because it's Granddad and Grans money), what do you reckon?
Did I say I hate you? No. I don't hate you. Remember what I wrote on the P.S of the first letter? There you go. You think I resent you? I did, but not anymore. I resented that you never said sorry for what I perceived as manipulating (fine line between advice and manipulation), & being overly hard on me as a teen. However, I also must admit that you taught me a lot, and you were right about quite a few things (not all)- surely there was a way to execute your teaching in a less verbally abusive manner, but perhaps it wouldn't have had the same potency, and who am I to say what's right/wrong having never been a parent myself. What's done is done. You did the best you knew how, & nobody can do more than that. You were battling alcoholism, and having to work in stressful jobs below your mental calibre (Jaystock, Bus,) to make ends meet while trying to get out of it by doing college qualifications. You were pushing me hard, but you were out there setting the example, so you weren't a hypocrite on that score.
As for Mum, she resented you in the 80's because you slapped her around, hence the night when Costello was sparked in the Downham. From her initial reservations (“I won't let you see your son”), she saw you were a good influence on your boy, you were regular as clockwork every Saturday, took me to loads of Museums, football, cinema, swimming, etc, and that I was happy to be seeing my Dad (I still turn crimson remembering the day we visited the Science Museum.... I wore big black Dr.Martin shoes, thick bright white socks, baggy black shorts, an old holey purple t-shirt, and an oversized blue denim jacket... I looked a right old two & eight... Mum said that morning “You look grand son”, you saw me and went “You're 'aving a laugh int'ya!”, haha). In Jims machete wielding days, she strongly discouraged him from attempting to attack you. Nowadays, Mum sees I'm a little dysfunctional and blames herself more than you as far as my formative years go. So please stop demonizing her, it hurts me, and there's no need for it anymore. She doesn't slag you off, she only mentions you if I do, and her responses are neutral. I admit Mum is no Saint, there was no rhyme or reason to her in her drink fuelled youth; She's maturing late in life.
As for accusing me of financial greediness, that's your opinion. I find it sad you keep mentioning money, so let me spell it out – you seem to have a money orientated aspect to your character. Yet you have the front to try and put me on a guilt trip with Granddads death. Do you not remember a phone call we had in early summer 2005, when you were mulling over your future plans which involved possibly moving in with Sue, letting out your gaffe, buying a house with me when I was earning a graduate salary and letting it out, and eventually letting out Granddads flat? you said:
“He don't spend anything, he makes out he ain't got a bean, but he's well off trust me. I wish he'd hurry up and die.”
You attack me for not attending Granddads funeral. That's below the belt. No I didn't attend Granddads funeral (I don't think I should apologise to you about that, I apologise to Granddad) but you're out of order for using that against me. You've often had a penchant for stabbing me where it hurts down the years. Why is that? To maintain your own sense of ego? To hammer me into shape? Or perhaps the following is more accurate...
“The most efficient form of mind control begins with abuse of the subject interspersed with lavish attention, sort of good cop, bad cop. Some of the most abused children grow up with an exaggerated, almost holy reference toward the abuser, truly believing they owe all that they are to the superhuman efforts and infinite patience of the abuser who 'persevered' through all the terrible turmoil connected with such an unruly child. The abuser knows how to use ambivalence (come here, go away, this action correct to-day, wrong to-morrow) to the maximum, creating an eternal super-watchfulness of the abused toward the abuser. Since 'the correct' thing to do at any time varies with the mood of the abuser, super-observation of the abuser's moment-to-moment facial expressions, body-language, tone of voice, etc become vital to the victim's survival/avoidance of pain, whether psychological or physical. The Russian, Pavlov used specialized torture techniques on dogs to develop instant obediance-responses to be used on schoolchildren.” I think that shines a light on you & I. I also remember you comparing me to Scooby-Doo the dog when you were handing out chocolate – you'd mockingly say “would you do it for a scooby snack?” *cue panting and nodding*. Do you?
I accepted the money left me by Granddad & Gran because I saw it as a gift, and I was hugely grateful for it. I think you might have had a say in leaving me 10% when Granddad wrote his will, and I think that was very decent of you both. Would Granddad & Gran have wanted me to refuse their will? Did you? If I was working F/T, and without mental health issues, I would have refused it, to spite you by proving my lack of greed – I knew sooner or later you'd turn it and criticise me as greedy – I think it's a particularly unpleasant thing for you to say to be honest. Saying things like that & still lambasting Mum is a peculiar strategy for someone genuinely patching things up, or maybe that's just the way you are.
I needed a car so badly that you couldn't even begin to comprehend, and every single time I get behind the wheel, I think of Gran & Granddad, thank them, and ask God to bless their souls. I don't care if you ridicule that, it's the truth.
Strangely enough, asking you to remove me from your will was in the 1st draft of my April 13th letter, I left it out because I assumed you'd already done so having illustrated what a greedy selfish ungrateful person you thought I was. Yes, please do visit your solicitor and make the necessary alterations. “For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil” (1 Timothy 6:10).
As for the name calling when I was a teen (pr*ck features, boll*ck chops, dopey looking c*nt etc), the really excruciating thing is I believe you were right. I was pasty, podgy, weak skinny limbs, & aesthetically displeasing (facially), much the same as today. Still, if everyone went around saying exactly what they thought of everybody else, society would barely function, because the majority of the population are hideous in some respect. I ballooned to 14 stone in December 2008, I'm back down to 12stone 10lb, another twenty odd pounds to go. Hard work but it's worth it.
So Katie and Becky are living on the M******* Estate. They havn't fared out too badly, the Estate is much better since they done it up. I don't like all the CCTV cameras, but I have to admit they've been effective in tackling the teenage yobs. Coincidentally, Katie cuts my neighbours hair. In a conversation with my neighbour, she said 'I hate my Mums fella', - maybe you and Sue were having one of your disagreements when she said that, but it still reeks.
Erren & Jason – Last I heard about them was 12 odd months ago. They were like Brothers, then Jason got a new girlfriend and basically blew Erren out. Apparently, Jason owed Erren money. Erren needed the money back because his employment dried up, Jason dragged his feet, and Erren got fed up chasing him for months on end seen as J was earning & they weren't mates anymore.
Yes I re-signed to F/book. Just tell Marina to delete me off her list if she's not interested. Not a problem. My name on there is M******l H***n M*****. My name in official stuff is just Michael H***n. My Gran M***** was indignant when I changed to H***n – she castigated Mum for not preventing it, and told me to my face that I'd upset her & that she disapproved. Mum didn't have a problem at all, she said do whatever I felt. Of course I'm fond of the name M***** simply because of Granddad M*****, who was as decent a man as anyone could wish to meet, but even he'd agree a child takes the Fathers name, and I know it would please Gran H***n, even if it doesn't please you anymore.
My previous letters weren't intended as nasty, but in hindsight I can see why you may have read them that way. I was aiming to be concise, and get my point across without any beating around the bush. It's not a revenge thing as you suggested, it's me trying to unravel a serious answer.
I didn't mention Uni in the first letter, I've drawn a line under that. I did my best, failed, it's old news. I wouldn't even have had a chance without yours, Mums and Granddads help, so what can I say except thank you and sorry I didn't get a mortar board on me bonce. As you say, it was a tremendous life experience. That doesn't take away from the fact you should have accepted my decision to leave in Summer 2005 instead of bullying/manipulating me to start the 2nd year a third time. Neither do I accept that manipulating your son is okay if you deem it's for a good end. You honestly don't have a right to do that or even attempt to do that because it's plain wrong. To what extent do you acknowledge that? I think Marina once wrote to you that you had to let her make mistakes so she could learn herself – of course you thought that was silly, but I agree with her.
I'm in touch with me old bacon and cabbage colleague, Brian, from Sainsbury's H******** days. He's now a Drama teacher in E******** earning over 35k a year. He's going through a crap time at his school, T**** G****, – the ghetto kids aren't the problem, it's being run by a private firm whose only interest is targets and profit, plus the latest head teacher is a degenerate cow.
I'm sorry to hear you're living with Diabetes. It seems quite a common ailment these days. It's good there are measures in place to manage the condition successfully. I'm susceptible to the occasional hypoglycaemic attack, and they're very unsettling. The GP assumed I must have been a heavy drug user/drinker with my levels of anxiety and depression, which of course wasn't the case. I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists though I've found more answers within myself. Do I see myself as a victim? No. Do I have low self esteem? I don't see myself that way, so no. Do I take the easy route to suit me? I'm not even sure what that means - Does an amputee take the easy route by using a wheelchair instead of crawling around on the floor? It's like breaking the Cows back, and then kicking it because it can't get up. Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong, only God knows, because I don't know. Perhaps you're referring to employment/education, in which case I disagree I've taken an easy route, and I think it's pointless to judge me about that because it boils down to individual perception and experience. Do I want to remain on benefits the rest of my life, thus repeating the slippery slope Mum travelled? No no no. I don't like being on benefits, it robs one of self respect & independence. The benefit system I've dealt with has been rigorous, and I wouldn't be getting them unless I needed them at this particular time in my life.
The balls in your court.
Look mike, not gonna be a long letter, stop trying to be clever in your letters and quoting scriptures at me, like “thou shalt honour thy father and mother”, oh shit you didn't say that did you, my apologies.
It was your mother that brought up your parentage, you asked me many years ago if I was your real father, whats got me thinking is that I can't understand why any member of a family, would not turn up to a family members funeral. It's not the money, it's the utter disrespect of it all, we cant turn the clock back, his mates asked where you were, the priest asked where you were, the macmillans nurse asked where you were, your sister asked where you were, and I looked round the church hoping you might just creep in the back door on a very sad day for everyone, and still I tried to get us talking again.
Bollock chops, fuck pig, scooby doo, all things I regularly say to other people..yet in a piss taking kind of way. So what, they call me a fat badly headed ****. It's called banter. It's a London thing, nothing wrong with taking the piss. You obviously never worked on a building site, it's a proper language... not for the squeamish
I know that Katie cuts your neighbours hair, it was on her info that I wrote you the letter. "He just sits in his room, never comes out except at night, mum takes bottles of vodka next door in her nightclothes. He got mugged by a couple of somali's." Blimey Michael Caulker used to get mugged every week. "Her family was supposed to come over at xmas, but she was so drunk they cancelled, and you were very annoyed."
I wouldn't say anything if I was you, thanks for your info, the fact I help look after her son 3 days a week, makes me angry she said she doesn't like me. It all makes sense now, her boyfriend is supposed to be some kind of black gangster, he doesn't say 2 words to me, probably she said the same thing to him. Notice your mum said to her I don't like kids. Anyway Katie is obviously a 2 faced cow.
Its not that marina isn't interested, you contacte her and then told her to forget it. She thinks the funeral business was wrong of you. And I suppose she doesn't see the sense in leapfrogging me so you can be friends with her.
You say the balls in my court, the ball has been fairly and squarely in your court, for some time now. Maybe you don't want to see it, we are 2 grown up people I want to talk it through. That's always been my way. I do see your letters as nasy, hopelessly flawed. And boy do they hurt.
Anyway lets finish with a little logic. No point in doing a paternity test, it makes no difference as I said in my letter. If you don't want to know me, it doesn't matter whether you're my son or not. If I wasn't your dad, you don't want to know me, if I was your dad, you still don't want to know me. So whats the point. As far as the will goes, your actions have given the impression, that you don't want nothing to do with us. You didn't have nothing to do with grandad, you didn't turn up at the funeral, yet you had no problems taking your inheritance, .... You may just as well have danced on his grave. I'm not trying to gain points here, you need to answer that. I'm not embarassed that you didn't turn up, I am just very very hurt.
This letter wasn't supposed to be longer than a page, because its time to bite the bullet mike, accusations going backwards and forwards is not the way. I believe that us just communicating is a step forward, I believe that my mum and dad are working their magic. I believe that they are getting minimal success. I believe we can change that.
Look why don't we get some flowers, it really needs them..and go and put them on the grave, we can pick a nice day, and show our respects. Itwould mean a great deal for gdad and gmum to see me and you do that.
Once again, I hold out my hand. Your letter was somewhat human this time. I recognise that. Lets go the final 10 yards
(I then phoned him and agreed to meet him. He talked mostly. I nodded a lot, agreed, and smiled when I was supposed to. I caved into his subtle and eventually open request and agreed to help him with his kitchen (which he ripped out 2 years ago and never got around to starting), doing any dogs body work. I agreed because I felt too scared to say 'No I don't think that's a good idea'. I felt like a quivering teenager again. Anyway, I switched my phone off, and didn't turn up on the Monday morning. Two voicemails came through in which he said in a vexed tone that I'd let him down with his dads funeral, and I was letting him down again, that the damage was becoming irrepairable, that I needed to contact him. I decided to wait a few weeks until his birthday. I enclosed the following letter with his bday card:
Sorry I havn't been in touch. It seemed things were rushing too fast for me so I retreated. Until I've gotten hold of my being responsible for my health, I can't even be a decent mate to anybody let alone a good son – my mind is too unstable. I'm sorry you felt I was laughing at you (from your voicemail) – because I havn't and I'm not laughing. I don't know when I'll be fighting fit.
It was lovely seeing you the other week. I only felt uncomfortable when you said 'if you help me with the kitchen cos it all goes to you in the end anyway'. I didn't deserve the money left by Granddad and Gran & I don't deserve anything else. I just think there's an undercurrent of tension about your will due to past events, and that it comes between us, so it's better if you just give it all to Marina. I don't mean that in a nasty way, it just seems like the best way forward really.
Nothing much has happnened since we met, just taking each moment as it comes, don't go out much, havn't been to the Izz Gym yet. Can you ask Katie not to talk/gossip about me to my neighbour at flat ** for me please? There's no need for it, and I think it's rude to be honest. Thanks.
I watched Hatton-Pacquiao fight at Brians. Obviously, Pacquiao is lethal, but Hattons performance was so awful that either a)He was blackmailed by the boxing underworld to lose b) He came over all noble and decided that a Pacquiao victory was a political necessity for the Phillipines. c)answers on a postcard! I'd love to see David Haye beat Klitschko on June 20.
I'm now a Conservative Party supporter, not because I'm a saddo Tory boy, rather because I can't stand Labour and despise Labour MP's with venom. Lib Dems are too...liberal for my liking! Anne Widdicombe for Speaker of the House!
There should be a package arriving in the post on the 27th or 28th – I usually miss the mark with presents for people, so don't hold you rbreath, hopefully it will be unique-ish.
I hope you have an excellent b.day, go easy on the choccy-woccy,
He posted the above letter, birthday card, envelope (on which was scrawled 'stick em up your arse'), and the presents, straight back to me with the following letter:
I pleaded with you to help me, you said you would, - then you didn't, did you think I didn't need your help – you let me down big time over my dads funeral, - I thought you would make up for it in some way – what is it about your mental dilemma that stops you helping me, I've had to pay people off the street to help me carry things upstairs while you sit on your fat fucking arse.
And what's with the presents – fucking Beethoven and poxey George Orwell (1984), Gave that a lot of thought didn't you, well you can stick em up your arse.
How can you just sit back and watch me struggle-- HOW CAN YOU FUCKING DO THAT---?
I wrote a response to this letter, but didn't send it. He then received the delayed delivery of the sacred heart picture, to which he replied with a text:
Your taking the piss aint ya, wish I was dead do ya? Maybe if you keep saying your prayers. I don't take kindly to presents when the person sending them turns their back on me and won't talk to me.
I didn't respond to this text. A week later, coinciding with my bday, I received the letter and 'letter of wishes' as transcribed in post 10 of this thread. I havn't responded to it.
I'd be DISGUSTED with myself if Spikey is also Mel-x. If it's true, then I've been the cause of such hurt, that I can barely even tolerate to begin comprehending it. :sad: Is she? If she is, I will leave this forum permanently, just because it would be the right thing for me to do by her. I'm not angry. And no, I won't log in with a fake username - literally, I will just stay away.
Please tell me.
You're trying to say I raped you? What are you talking about? That's a DISGUSTING accusation, and you know damn well it's not true, so what are you trying to do?
Did I not say 'are you sure?' about five times beforehand? Yes I did. You asked me if I was sure about five times too. Were either of us drunk? No. Was I rough, just banging away? No I wasn't, I was gentle, because I cared about you. I asked you many many times during, are you okay? Do you want me to stop? Are you sure? Am I hurting you? You said you were okay. I don't know what else I could have done.
To say I raped you defies belief, that's a serious accusation to make, and you need a reality check because you're way out of line. Why you'd falsely accuse me of something as hideous as that - it's the equivalent of me accusing you of rape.
ME:Melly you wild thing! Wotcha up 2? The media is largely a war on the minds of the ppl. Am feeling insecure u might not love me anymore xxx
Reply:: I'm ill again=[chest/throat infection. What's wrong hun? xx
ME:It's okay, I get it x
Reply: You get what? xx
ME:That I'm a pain & should stop hassling you x
ME:I regard Dec'08 as 'null & void' because I think u just used me to get your own back on Paul cos u were angry at him that weekend cos u thought he was screwing around. You accused me several times of mind games & of not giving a damn, - well take a look in the mirror.
Plus the fact I'm uglier than before. I know I'm seriously disgusting to look at and in almost every other way, so I don't blame you and am not angry.
Reply: Right. As usual thanks for bothering to phone me and talk to me about shit rather than jumping to your delusions. Perhaps you havn't taken into account the pure amount of stress and worry I am under and this conversation just is one more thing on my damn list I don't need. I get your point alright Michael. Null and void whatever the hell you want because I've had enough shit from you, and I don't need any more. Thanks. Nice to know how much I meant to u.
ME:In response to your text, How dare you talk to me like that. You know what, get lost & get stuffed.
Reply: Lol whatever, you treat me like absolute shit and you dont deserve me. Concentrate on sorting yourself the fuck out before you dare talk to me like that. Contact me again and I will have a harassment order taken out against you.
Me:You make out to be all nice, but underneath you're deadly. Tell your boyfriend I hope he gets bitten by a snake and dies of septic shock. So long sugar tits.
My delusions? Sure. You're the stoner, not me. You're the one who lies about your identity. Just because you're going to college, and think you've got some kind of pie in the sky future, you think you have the right to tell me 'pull your bootstraps up' and 'sort yourself out', it's cruel & insulting. Did I ever tell you to sort yourself out because you were stressed over Emma or your Mums cleaning OCD? No. I've had stress aswell with my male parent hammering me, my mum going on benders, a mates husband threatening to stab me, nightmares every night waking up in sweaty panic, but that kinda stuff doesn't register with the self centred 'poor me' queen bee.
If you really wanna accuse me of rape to all these forum members, then have some decency, and go to the Police, because I'll take the stand because I know I'm innocent and you're lieing through your teeth about it.
COME UNDONE - Robbie Williams
So unimpressed but so in awe
Such a saint but such a wh*re
So self aware so full of sh*t
So indecisive so adamant
I'm contemplating thinking about thinking
It's over rated just get another drink in
Watch me come undone
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I Pray that when I'm coming down you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum
And I'm your son
I come undone
I come undone
So rock and roll so corporate suit
So damn ugly, so damn cute
So well trained, so animal
So need your love, so f*ck you all
I'm not scared of dying I just don't want to
If I stopped lying I'd just disappoint you
I come undone
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I pray that when I'm coming down you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum
And I'm your son
I come undone
TO X-FACTOR TYPES:
So write another ballad
Mix it on a wednesday
Sell it on a thursday
Buy a yacht by saturday
It's a love song
A love song
Do another interview
Sing a bunch of lies
Tell about celebrities that I despise
And sing love songs
We sing love songs
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I pray that when I'm coming down you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt YOU, your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum
And I'm your son
I've come undone
I've come undone
I've come undone
I've come undone
Love your son
I am scum
Tuesday 25 August a/noon: I get an irate call from one of those selfish friends who like to talk and the other to listen.... a friend of a friend of a friend had gone homeless and was having his healthy 3 yr old staffie dog put down - did I know anyone or would I be able to take the dog for a couple of days until his owner found a hostel that accepted pets - the dog was to receive lethal injection in under 3 hours.
Well, I accepted. And I'm glad for the dogs sake because he's got a wonderful temperament and is very handsome!
However, without going into extenuating detail, this is 5 days later; I still have the dog; no call from the owner who 'doesn't have a phone' cos he's 'homeless', and no call (I left one voicemail on Friday evening) from the woman who organised it and promised to help (I'm allergic to dogs and cats - thought I could put up with it for a couple of days with anti-histamines and mums inhaler)... that owner was a lieing f*cking ginger pikey cruel callous f*ckturd. If I see him again, I'll attack him. And as for the woman, she's just a fat pagan, and deserves a firm slap across the chops. How often people just stomp over you when you go out of your way to help. Well, F*CK those pair of c*nts, I did it for the dog, and guess what, I'll find this dog a brilliant new home myself.
And as for people who love to talk but look bored when they listen, you can f*ck off too, back to your dysfunctional degenerate life.