Hello, everyone. I am a 24-year-old transman. So, here's the thing. Back in February, I came out as transgender, my long-time boyfriend dumped me for another woman, and I came down with a serious, ultra-rare brain disorder that causes incapacitating burning migraines, brain damage, and emotional instability. I have always suffered from bone structure abnormalities in my legs and severe agoraphobia, Asperger's, and social anxiety. These things together made it so that I was unable to work, and I lost my job this June. Because of the time and money I missed out on, I lost my home a few days before I lost my job. I stayed at shelters for a couple weeks, and I asked my dad to let me come visit him for a week or so because shelters proved to be a traumatic experience for me. My dad lives with my grandma. My dad is an emotionally abusive alcoholic, and my grandma is so Baptist she won't even eat shellfish because of what the Bible says about it. He does actually love me underneath it all, and when he managed to find out I was living in a shelter, he decided he wasn't going to let me go back to the town I lived in to go back to the shelter. But, what that means for me is that I'm now crashing in a very rural town with no drivers' license (could never afford to get one, though my driver's test's next Thursday), no car, no job, and no money. He keeps accusing me of being lazy because I haven't found a job, but there's no public transport around here (there was a great system where I was living), and there would be three people here juggling one car, so how would I even work my availability? I have no money to make my goals work out, and my physical/emotional problems stop me from being able to work the way I want to. On top of these things, I have had to hide my gender identity. I told my dad, who says he's supportive, but told me he would never honor my preferred pronouns, and doesn't believe in being transgender because "I'm not a boy, and if I was, I would have been born with a dick". My grandmother can't even stand gay people, so I know I would be disowned if it came out that I'm a pansexual transman. I've still been dressing in men's clothes, but I've been misgendered and called my girl name constantly, and I can't even begin to explain the dysphoria those things cause. I'm in a spot where I am about to come out to her so I can get kicked out and walk to the city I used to live in (120 miles away) without having to explain why I'm leaving. At first, I decided that was a bad idea because I need to figure out how to get a car and then leave, so I can live in it away from them and not worry about rent. But now, I've found that I would rather just die. I have no money, can't work, and I am too depressed and unhappy to hang out until I'm told I can't get disability (I don't know that, but I'm not feeling horribly optimistic, and am unwilling to wait around long enough to get the checks I need to get the hell out of here). I'm tired of abuse and unhappiness. I have given up. I'm feeling exceptionally lonely and unimportant. I am so ready to see what lies on the other side. As an atheist, I can't say that there's anything, but it's got to be better than knowing there's no future ahead of me. I am in a spot where I'm planning the logistics of having an unfortunate chainsaw "accident". I don't actually know why I'm here. But I think maybe it's because I'd like to have a kind word before I go.