Trans, Homeless, Disabled, and Jobless. What Good Am I?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by trans_soul_rebel, Sep 23, 2015.

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  1. trans_soul_rebel

    trans_soul_rebel New Member

    Hello, everyone. I am a 24-year-old transman. So, here's the thing. Back in February, I came out as transgender, my long-time boyfriend dumped me for another woman, and I came down with a serious, ultra-rare brain disorder that causes incapacitating burning migraines, brain damage, and emotional instability. I have always suffered from bone structure abnormalities in my legs and severe agoraphobia, Asperger's, and social anxiety. These things together made it so that I was unable to work, and I lost my job this June. Because of the time and money I missed out on, I lost my home a few days before I lost my job.

    I stayed at shelters for a couple weeks, and I asked my dad to let me come visit him for a week or so because shelters proved to be a traumatic experience for me. My dad lives with my grandma. My dad is an emotionally abusive alcoholic, and my grandma is so Baptist she won't even eat shellfish because of what the Bible says about it. He does actually love me underneath it all, and when he managed to find out I was living in a shelter, he decided he wasn't going to let me go back to the town I lived in to go back to the shelter.

    But, what that means for me is that I'm now crashing in a very rural town with no drivers' license (could never afford to get one, though my driver's test's next Thursday), no car, no job, and no money. He keeps accusing me of being lazy because I haven't found a job, but there's no public transport around here (there was a great system where I was living), and there would be three people here juggling one car, so how would I even work my availability? I have no money to make my goals work out, and my physical/emotional problems stop me from being able to work the way I want to.

    On top of these things, I have had to hide my gender identity. I told my dad, who says he's supportive, but told me he would never honor my preferred pronouns, and doesn't believe in being transgender because "I'm not a boy, and if I was, I would have been born with a dick". My grandmother can't even stand gay people, so I know I would be disowned if it came out that I'm a pansexual transman. I've still been dressing in men's clothes, but I've been misgendered and called my girl name constantly, and I can't even begin to explain the dysphoria those things cause. I'm in a spot where I am about to come out to her so I can get kicked out and walk to the city I used to live in (120 miles away) without having to explain why I'm leaving.

    At first, I decided that was a bad idea because I need to figure out how to get a car and then leave, so I can live in it away from them and not worry about rent. But now, I've found that I would rather just die. I have no money, can't work, and I am too depressed and unhappy to hang out until I'm told I can't get disability (I don't know that, but I'm not feeling horribly optimistic, and am unwilling to wait around long enough to get the checks I need to get the hell out of here). I'm tired of abuse and unhappiness. I have given up.

    I'm feeling exceptionally lonely and unimportant.

    I am so ready to see what lies on the other side. As an atheist, I can't say that there's anything, but it's got to be better than knowing there's no future ahead of me. I am in a spot where I'm planning the logistics of having an unfortunate chainsaw "accident".

    I don't actually know why I'm here. But I think maybe it's because I'd like to have a kind word before I go.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You need to get the process started to get better or to get disability so you can afford to make the other changes you need to make. There is clearly a trade-off when living with other people that we have no choice but conform to their wishes on many things- that i show one "pays" for room and board when they do not have cash and are relying in family- it invites family to make decisions for them or to have a say in what we do.

    Getting better will take time - to feel better and to adequately address issues so you can move forward productively and towards living on own again where you get the say in all decisions. It will also take time to get disability sorted if you are and will be unable to live on own. Things like juggling a car are difficult, but until you try and prove it is impossible (to possible but difficult as they are likely feeling about it) and they see you trying to do it their way and come to the same conclusion you will have a hard time.

    It is also very easy when one is depressed to see nothing but problems and no solutions. But even if things take time - months or a year or two to sort, that is a very very small amount of time compared t the next 50-55 years or so of living. 1/2 of 1% is not a lot of time to sacrifice while trying to make things better if you spend a year working on your situation before it improves.
  3. trans_soul_rebel

    trans_soul_rebel New Member

    Thank you for your words. I applied for disability, but it's going to take a few weeks before I even get my phone appointment to get the process rolling, and I'm hurting so badly that I don't think I can hack it until then. I know that I am capable of taking care of myself as long as I have some sort of supplemental income, because I know I can't work a full-time job. I'm appealing to the homeless shelter where I used to live, because they give away a car a month to someone who really needs it, but in the meantime, I don't know what I'm going to do.

    I am working on the situation, but at the same time, I honestly think it will take longer than I am willing or able to keep myself going. The dysphoria, depression, crippling social anxiety, and physical pain I encounter every day are just so bad, you know? And if I'm this sick at 24, I worry that the rest of my life will be lived in ill health and will not be worth living.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are trying to guess at the future and when depressed naturally those guesses take a dark turn. None of us know the future, as easily as being worse there could be meds or treatments to make things far better. While i am sure life does suck now- you CAN do it, and as soon as you get some plans and goals to begin working on , it will feel like worth doing. Inaction-0 just muddling in our own thoughts always ends poorly. Have faith in yourself, and give things a chance to get better. You did not get ot this situation in weeks- it has been building for years and months, so taking weeks to get an appt to get out and weeks and months for it to change is to be expected.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Cannot fathom how hard it is to be a trans even harder for FTM. Going against the grain the society says you're supposed to go with the grain. Sorry your family situation isn't ideal but there are a lot support and resources out there for people in your situation in the US.

    I am going to a friends wedding In few weeks and her fiancé is actually a FTM. I knew him when he was a female. Even with very supportive family and friends, persecution still happened. Looking at him now no one would know any better :) Just saying there is hope for you. Don't give up believing in yourself.
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