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Transgender and feeling so alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by raiinbowjunkiie, Mar 18, 2012.

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  1. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    What the hell, I don't even have the energy to compose this. I'm transgender. I was born with a female body but I identify as male. I feel like I have no one to turn to. There are so few resources for people like me. Society couldn't give two shits about me. My parents don't support me. My mom used to be abusive physically and verbally. Verbally, it's still horrendous. I have PTSD and the flash backs of abuse are incapacitating. I'm an alcoholic, a cutter, a burner, and an eating disorder enthusiast. I am faced with the choice of starting hormonal therapy, inviting all kinds of health risks, and plunging my body into this huge scary alteration, or staying stuck as a girl and still being miserable. I feel like I'm screaming inside for the world to help me, to recognize that trans people exist and have needs, but no one fucking cares about us. There are so few resources. I'm like, begging to have a place in this world, for my unique issues to be worth investigating and addressing. I can't stop cutting even though the wounds got infected and I had to nurse them back to health. I want to go crazy with a bottle of vodka and slit my wrists. I wish there was more for people like me. I guess we were destined to be alone simply by being born. If I can't reconcile these choices soon, I am going to die. If I don't find an answer, I am going to end it all. Because the current limitations of society are conducive to my suicide.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm so sorry that your mother treated you that way...my mother is verbally abusive so I can understand how much that hurts. No mother should treat their child like that. It may be scary to start a new life, and to get the therapy and alterations and all of that, but like you said, you would still be miserable as a female. I think it will be worth it in the end, and you will be happier when you become male because that is what you've always identified as. It sucks that people can be so rude to those who are transgender. I think there should be more resources also. Maybe you should start a site or organization for transgender people. I'm sure it would be successful, because like you said, there aren't enough resources out there right now. I wish there was more I could do to help, but I want you to know that you can talk to me anytime you want. I'll just be here to listen and give advice if you need it. :hug:
  3. asqy

    asqy Well-Known Member

    Reading through your post, I can't help but feel a connection to you. Aside from the abuse, I have felt everything you are feeling now - from the self-harm to the alcoholism to fear of transition. It's all really scary. I was deathly afraid to do or say anything about what I was feeling. But in the end it's so worth all the pain, suffering, and the struggle to be your true-self - trust me on that. I know there aren't that many resources out there to help people like us, but there are a few. One of those is other trans.

    Have attended any transgender support groups? They can certainly help with resources and not feeling so alone. I've met some of the nicest people at them. While it was hard to relate to them because most of them were way older than I am, they did help me with resources and helped my family understand what I was feeling.

    I did a quick Google search to try to find things in New Jersey:

    This has some trans groups depending on where you live in the state (The links for tg groups in near the bottom).

    Here is one that is in Highland Park (I don't know where that is, I've never been to New Jersey!). Even if you don't live near there, it wouldn't hurt to contact them.

    If you would like someone to talk to about how you're feelings, you're welcome to PM me anytime. I've gone through the entire process, so I like to think I know something!

    Just remember that you are worth it and can have a wonderful life.
  4. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I actually do attend a support group and it helps a lot. It's just that when the pain and isolation are already so intense, it almost never feels like enough to get you through your day, you know? Anyway, I'm hoping that hormonal therapy will at least make me finally feel comfortable in my own skin. Life will still never be easy, simply because it isn't for anyone and I know that testosterone isn't going to be this magical problem solver. But at least whatever challenges come my way, I would be facing them as my preferred gender. Thank you again for your support and empathy. I appreciate it very much. :)
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