Whether I am home or out and about, all I hear about and see are couples and people in love. It makes me jealous, bitter, and hateful, and I absolutely hate feeling this way about it. I am jealous of the fact that I have never been able to inspire such feelings in anyone, while others do it so effortlessly and take it for granted much of the time. I cannot bear the thought of attending an upcoming wedding and seeing two people upon the altar, looking into one another's eyes, and proclaiming how they complete one another while exchanging tokens of their love in front of friends and families brought together as one; I cannot bear the thought of hearing toast after toast by friends and family members stating how proud they are of the couple and about how they were meant to be together; I cannot bear the thought of seeing two people gaze into one another's eyes as they dance to their song, followed by the two riding off into the sunset together upon the end of the evening. The thought of two people feeling so strongly about one another that they are more than willing to dedicate the rest of their lives to the other person and bring a life of their own into the world, while I cannot even convince a woman to spend time with me, brings forth feelings of hate and resentment and I feel horrible that I have become unable to feel happy for anyone else. Every woman I had become close with over the years had seen me as one of her "girlfriends" and ultimately turned me down when I made my feelings known for her; but hey, they thought my feelings for them were "cute", so I apparently should have been okay with that. I haven't the attraction or the inate ability to make an immediate impression on others; people have only ever warmed up to me once they had spent a considerable amount of time in my vicinity, unfortunately when it comes to finding someone, this is a huge disadvantage as the woman comes to see me as a mere friend and there is no chance of becoming closer to her. I currently have no friends or social life to speak of, and that is going to set off some red flags for any woman that I attempt to ask out; I have an intense fear of allowing others to become close and having them see the empty life that I lead. I really try to converse with others around my age in an attempt to build a social circle from scratch, but at my age, everyone is married and only willing to spend time with other couples. Also, my dwindling options have reduced me to single mothers who are seeking nothing more than a glorified babysitter rather than a significant other. I have wasted my twenties, and feel nothing like a real man. I have dreams of taking the lives of others as well as my own, dreams of standing alone at the altar with no friends or bride while the crowd points and laughs, and dreams of dying alone while I call for help and no one is there to answer. I have daily chest pains just thinking about my current situation and I have become truly scared for myself. I have possessed strong feelings of love for others and try to imagine everyday just how amazing it would feel for someone to possess those same feelings for me. I want so badly to be there for someone and tell them everyday how much they mean to me, but the older I get, the less seriously both men and women seem to take relationships. The only plus in my life is that I have a stable job that pays fairly well, but it's all empty and artificial if I am unable to share it with anyone. I want to love someone and for once, have them feel the same way about me; I want to know what it feels like before I die. Because I can tell you, I would rather be dead, than live the rest of my life like this.