trapped and getting worse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cyrax, Oct 16, 2006.

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  1. cyrax

    cyrax New Member

    God i dont know where to begin, at the moment everything in my life is so fucked up and it gets worse and worse everyday. All the lies, depression, drugs, suicidal feelings, family drama, its really getting too much.

    Ive had depression for about maybe 3 years i think. I just started getting bored with life, not knowing what to do, unsure about the future, stuff like that. And this year has probably been the worst of them all.

    The past year i started doing an I.T course at my uni and i ended up failing it miserably. I only did the course because after i finished highschool i didnt know what else to do. Back then and still now i didnt know what i wanted to do after i finished, i had no idear and still do. Nothing excites me. Totally nothing. Im not a sports person, dont like cars, when someone asks what i would want to do when i grow up its just the same "i dunno" Nothing at all excites me. Its like im just drifting around life in a dase. So anyway i did this I.T course but i ended up failing it and this year i was supposed to repeat and finish it, but i ended up failing it again. I had told my parents previously that i was growing bored with it but they just said to stick with it because i had nothing else to do. Well i ended up failing it again.

    The thing was I really hated it and life and just wanted something to do that i liked. I used to smoke weed maybe once a week or two, but after i failed my course for the 2nd time, i started smoking weed every single night, which i had never done before. Its just like i wanted to escape from reality. I was so depressed and lost with not knowing what to do and having failed i just wanted something to do.

    I couldnt bring myself to tell my parents i failed again. I just didnt think i would be able to make them understand that it was because i was depressed. So i started lying to them. Saying that i didnt have class today, that class was cancleded, went to friends places when i told them i was at class etc... It pretty much started to get worse and worse. What i thought would just be a week or two of pretending untill i knew what to do turned out to be about 5 months of deceit, with every night secretly smoking weed in my bedroom. It didnt really help though. I was still very depressed and allways had these sucidal feelings and fantasys.

    Through this time my sister was going through this rebelious peroid, and my parents a few times found weed in her room which caused fights, but they didnt know i was doing drugs aswell. I would side with my parents and say she shouldnt be doing it , when i was the biggest hypoctite of all. I guess i just wanted to continue my lifestyle of bluding.

    You see im a very convincing and smart person when it comes to this stuff. I could manipulate my parents into thinking what i would want them to think. I think what happened is i became additced to the lifestlye of doing nothing all day and smoking weed at night, when everyone else thought i was still going to class, making my future etc...
    It should of gotten to me, that i was lying to their faces and throwing it all away, but im a closed of person, i dont like emotions and tend to supress them, like my depression, sucidal feelings etc... I even went though a peroid of self harm to try and feel anything, just to escape.

    I eventually went to a counsolor at my uni, and she really helped me alot, but since i had failed i couldnt see her anymore so all the progress i had made came undone. I wanted to tell my parents the truth but i kept putting it off and was very addicted to this life style i had created in secret. So what went from weeks turned to months.

    I still wanted to tell my parents, i kept thinking 'maybe ill do it next week' but just now recentrly we have found out that my dad has prostrate cancer, and a week after finding that out my grandpar (mums side) has brain cancer. :( You cant believe it, these 2 huge bombshells. Everyone was upset, my mum crying all the time, it started to get to me a bit, but i never cryed or got that upset. I kinda just supressed those feelings again and it got blurred into my still contuning habit of lying and smoking weed.

    And now here i am. I feel trapped. How can i drop this thrid bombshell on my parents, that i am very depressed and suicidal, failed my course a second time and have been doing drugs?
    I dont think they could take it with all this other shit going on at the moment. You see, all this makes me feel very conflicted, i had this feeling in my gut all the time, like a feeling of dred. I wish i was dead so bad, i hate this, i hate it all, i wish i was never born at all. My life is miserable and a totall rideoff. Ive fucked everything up and im so lost and dont know what to do.

    Im started to get desperate, and just dont know what to do anymore
     
  2. iQuit

    iQuit Well-Known Member

    Don't do it! It's not as bad as you think!
     
  3. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    hey and welcome

    i know things are really a mess right now but trust me ... as a parent i know i would much rather the third bombshell be my son is depressed... failed courses.. and is having difficulties... then ..

    you son is dead... when you look at it like that you can see how much they would much rather help you them burry you.....

    please keep posting and let us help you get the courage to talk with your parents....

    hugs and hope...
     
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