I'm pretty close to running out of coping material. The sad part is, a part of me is laughing at the situation. This is well and truly ridiculous. How do I deal with this? I'm young. I have a decent job. Not the best, but there's a lot of potential for me down the road to make really good money. If I play my cards right I shouldn't have to worry about money. I'm intelligent. It's one of the traits that people notice first about me. I'm smart. I get along pretty well with people. I'm not hot by any means, but with a little extra care in looks department I wouldn't be half bad. Unfortunately, intelligence hasn't kept me from digging myself a hole I can't get out of. Allow me to elaborate. When I was a teenager, I was rebellious. I also hated myself. A number of psychological factors led me to decide that I must be gay. I surrounded myself with gay friends and had a gay support group and all that jazz. I got myself into a committed relationship and moved a thousand miles away to be with a partner of the same sex. This person is a pretty good guy, and aside from some hygiene issues he's the perfect partner. So, what's the problem? (This is great guys, hang on for this...) I'm not gay. The one time we had real and true sex I was drunk. Haven't managed to make it since. We've been together for FOUR YEARS. And apparently I've been in denial for so long I didn't start realizing what was up until about a year ago. And even then, it hasn't been until the last couple of months that I've fully admitted to myself what was wrong. And it gets better. The person I'm with is still totally besotted with me. Even though we've never exchanged vows, as far as he's concerned we're married and together for life. He's commented many times on how he wouldn't know what to do without me, how I'm the only reason he's been able to make anything of his life. Ouch. Even his family loves me. So, if I tell him the truth, it crushes him and possibly destroys his life. If I don't, I'm living a lie. Either way, I'm the bad guy. Either way, I lose. (Did I mention that I rely on him for transportation to my job? That doesn't help either.) There are no support groups for this. You don't see a bunch of resources out there for people who went "Gee, maybe I'm gay?" And then years later found out "woops, I guess I'm straight after all!" I cannot see a way out of this. I have an almost debilitating fear of hurting anyone...I can't see myself having the guts to tell the truth. Who would believe me anyways? He'd probably think I was using that as some lame excuse to leave him. I don't want him out of my life, he's my best friend. I'm just not romantically interested. But living this lie is misery. I"m not happy, and I never will be. But you know what's even better? That little fear of hurting people...I have lots of friends and a loving family. I can't commit suicide. It would hurt them too much, and I can't do it. So I'm damned to be miserable for the rest of my life. I can only hope that stress kills me sooner than later, which it probably will. I really don't want to die. I have a huge amount of potential, and I used to have a lot of ambition. But with no good way out of this, all I can do is perpetuate the lie, try to convince others (as well as my boyfriend) that everything is fine, and hope that in the end (when it finally comes) my attempts to keep everyone else happy will count for something.