Trapped and strapped to dynamite...whee.

[ValhallaDenied]

I'm pretty close to running out of coping material. The sad part is, a part of me is laughing at the situation. This is well and truly ridiculous. How do I deal with this?

I'm young. I have a decent job. Not the best, but there's a lot of potential for me down the road to make really good money. If I play my cards right I shouldn't have to worry about money.

I'm intelligent. It's one of the traits that people notice first about me. I'm smart. I get along pretty well with people. I'm not hot by any means, but with a little extra care in looks department I wouldn't be half bad.

Unfortunately, intelligence hasn't kept me from digging myself a hole I can't get out of. Allow me to elaborate.

When I was a teenager, I was rebellious. I also hated myself. A number of psychological factors led me to decide that I must be gay. I surrounded myself with gay friends and had a gay support group and all that jazz. I got myself into a committed relationship and moved a thousand miles away to be with a partner of the same sex.

This person is a pretty good guy, and aside from some hygiene issues he's the perfect partner. So, what's the problem? (This is great guys, hang on for this...)

I'm not gay. The one time we had real and true sex I was drunk. Haven't managed to make it since. We've been together for FOUR YEARS. And apparently I've been in denial for so long I didn't start realizing what was up until about a year ago. And even then, it hasn't been until the last couple of months that I've fully admitted to myself what was wrong. And it gets better.

The person I'm with is still totally besotted with me. Even though we've never exchanged vows, as far as he's concerned we're married and together for life. He's commented many times on how he wouldn't know what to do without me, how I'm the only reason he's been able to make anything of his life. Ouch. Even his family loves me.

So, if I tell him the truth, it crushes him and possibly destroys his life. If I don't, I'm living a lie. Either way, I'm the bad guy. Either way, I lose. (Did I mention that I rely on him for transportation to my job? That doesn't help either.)

There are no support groups for this. You don't see a bunch of resources out there for people who went "Gee, maybe I'm gay?" And then years later found out "woops, I guess I'm straight after all!" I cannot see a way out of this. I have an almost debilitating fear of hurting anyone...I can't see myself having the guts to tell the truth. Who would believe me anyways? He'd probably think I was using that as some lame excuse to leave him. I don't want him out of my life, he's my best friend. I'm just not romantically interested.

But living this lie is misery. I"m not happy, and I never will be. But you know what's even better? That little fear of hurting people...I have lots of friends and a loving family. I can't commit suicide. It would hurt them too much, and I can't do it.

So I'm damned to be miserable for the rest of my life. I can only hope that stress kills me sooner than later, which it probably will. I really don't want to die. I have a huge amount of potential, and I used to have a lot of ambition. But with no good way out of this, all I can do is perpetuate the lie, try to convince others (as well as my boyfriend) that everything is fine, and hope that in the end (when it finally comes) my attempts to keep everyone else happy will count for something.

 

[gentlelady]

I think you owe it to him to let him know. I know it won't be easy, but you would expect him to tell you wouldn't you? I don't envy your position, it is a difficult one. I wish you luck. :hug:

 

[ValhallaDenied]

Unfortunately, that's the worst part of it. I know the right thing to do would be to be honest.

What depresses me most is the fact that I'm too weak to be a good person and do the right thing.

 

[Epical Taylz]

you should practice saying it to his picture
or maybe to yourself in the mirror

you could also write him a note, that never
hurt either.


he has a right to know, and i know it doesnt
seem like it now, but it would make you feel
a whole lot better about yourself

 

[mdancey]

You know I agree with what's been said as well. It won't be easy.

Take care
Mary

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

You know deep down inside your self what the best and honest thing to do is. Off course it will be difficult but it's better to say it now then 4 months later.

 

[Name19]

Well I'm sorry if this sounds to harsh but..I mean 4 years?

What happened did you start getting interested on the opossite sex recently?(no one in particular just saying) or could be your getting tired of the life you lead?

Being honest I think you should REALLY REALLYREALLYmake sure that you are straight and that your not second guessing yourself.I don't see how could 4 years pass by without you noticing something as important as this.

More importantly regardless of your sex orientation, do you not still love this person? 4 year commitments a rare this days.

I mean, don't take what I say to seriously I'm just a random face giving baseless opinion.Revaluate your situation CALMLY, and decide for yourself.

If you still feel the same, It will probably come out eventually wouldn't it be better to break it off at 4 years rather than 10? or 15? or when you get a even more deep in (adoption,marriage,etc)

Im sorry If I dont sound to supportive, but as you said its a quite the hole you digged for yourself, I would only suggest you give it deep thought of what has changed in this recent times that made you realize this,and take the necessary actions from there. '

One Step at a time,dont jump the gun. Good Luck

 

[ValhallaDenied]

I do still have feelings for him...that's what makes it hard. They're just not ROMANTIC feelings.

It is something I FULLY realized only recently. I had always known something didn't seem quite right, but I was so SURE (arrogance) that I was gay that I thought it couldn't possibly be because I'm STRAIGHT.

It's very hard to describe, but I'll do it in the most vanilla terms I can...It's like having an itch, and gay sex is scratching at it. Feels better for a second, but the itch doesn't go away and you're not really doing anything (except maybe making it worse). Straight sex is like a really good itch cream; apply it, and it feels better AND gets rid of the itch at the same time.

Until you get bit again....

So why even try it? Well, some guy/guy fantasies actually DO turn me on, but there have to be very specific guidelines to the fantasy. I thought this meant that I was gay, or at the very least bi. Not completely straight physically. So first time I try it, it's no fun, and I wonder "what the fuck is wrong with me? It's not cuz I don't like guys, cuz I"ve fantasized about them!" But I didn't realize that the fantasy never included ME...if I tried picturing ME and a guy, it didn't work.

So...does anyone understand why I'm so confused and depressed? I feel like the only person in the world this has happened to. You always hear about people coming out of the closet...never about them realizing the closet was empty x.x

This is why I feel so screwed. What's wrong with me?

 

[Blueberry]

Nothing's wrong with you. You're living your life. Life is about learning.

It sounds like you've learned something about yourself. You've learned a truth. Something that is true for you you.

If you can't make the plunge, and take the risk of ending your relationship -- try taking little risks -- little things that you normally wouldn't do for fear of being embarrassed, annoying, etc.

These little risks help improve your self-esteem -- and make it easier to see yourself taking the big risk of defining your boundaries with your current lover.

Remember, like isn't black and white -- you still have lots to learn about who you are and what you're all about. That's the wonderful part about life and living it.

 

[Random]

Unfortunately, that's the worst part of it. I know the right thing to do would be to be honest.

What depresses me most is the fact that I'm too weak to be a good person and do the right thing.

Well, I'll tell you this much. I'm bi but am really only into men for sex. I managed to get myself involved in a relationship with a gay man a few years ago. I'm not really sure how it happened. I told him up front it was only for sex but he just started getting more and more "into" me. When I finaally realized it, I was more or less terrified. Because I never expected it to lead to what it became (in his mind).

He was a nice enough guy and I didn't really want to hurt his feelings but what could I do? I knew if I didn't break it off, it was only going to make matters worse.

If you think you're weak now, imagine if you wait. If you're sure, nothing good can come of it.

 

[ValhallaDenied]

I'm not so depressed as I was when I first posted this. I think the truth will come out eventually, but for now I am content to let things take their course. As I said, I love my boyfriend as a friend, a very good friend, and this if nothing else should be enough to suffice for a few more months, until I get myself together enough for a confrontation.

I've run into a rare burst of hope, and seen a glimpse of something beyond myself that may be enough to completely eradicate the depression I've fought for most of my life. (This is only the most recent in a series of personal crises I've faced.)

If I'm fortunate, by the time the dynamite goes off, I won't even feel it.

 

[FutureSeek]

When I was I think 20 and very lonely I met a guy who pointed to me and told his friends "I'm going to marry her." We spent 8 years together, and I spent the last 4 of them trying to get out. I told myself I had made this choice and I was stuck. He told me if I ever left he'd kill me, kill our pets. He didn't seem serious but it did control me, which was what he wanted.

I've always had trouble leaving when it was time, because I don't want to hurt someone. Now at 45 I get angry with myself for wasting a lot of MY years with people who were the wrong choice for me. What about MY pain, MY hurt? I was supposed to look after ME, not them, that's their own job.

"You're the reason I live" and variations on it are designed to control you, even though the person saying it might not be malicious or consciously manipulative.

Things will only get worse until finally there is no more wiggle room and your dynamite really does go off. Then any hope of "still friends" or even amicable parting will be lost. It will be angry, destructive and traumatic.

Blueberry's right; life is about learning. We are each responsible for our own lives and choices, like it or not.