first post here; just joined, and typically i'm going to rant in "let it all out" background info fyi: female, 17, uk, hospitalised once, diagnoses: major depressive disorder, social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, bulimia nervosa meds: citalopram, lamotrigine, sleeping meds - - - I've relapsed quite bad. Yesterday I sat on the second floor balcony at school about to jump; until I realised I probably wouldn't die - have broken limbs at the most, really. I cut <mod edit> ran out; I was in the freezing cold and all I heard was police sirens and a helicopter circling so I got really paranoid, ran home and hid in the dark house with the covers over my head. I called the crisis team earlier but hung up. My therapist called me 8 times and "everyone" was "worried" I'm sinking, but I don't want to swim. I can't swim, I'm just floating neck deep. Everything is black and white, I'm indifferent to the the frost on the grass, the stars in the sky. I'm staring into space and thinking about nothing; yet racing thoughts leave my head spinning. I'm tachycardic, probably because I'm going to have a heart attack. Blood is trickling down my arm but I feel asleep; I'm not awake, just empty. Cigarettes don't help - a cigarette a day (and then another, and another, and another, etc) keep the anxiety away, though. Alcohol doesn't really help; a part from making me oblivious and contently dizzy. Cutting is so ineffective; <mod edit>. However, a lovely inexpensive way (£3.99 for 50 disposables, wow) I'm sarcastic and humorous; my therapists know it's an act, I know it's a mask; whatever, let's go to the ball and dance all night. I can't plan - sometimes I'm OK, and then it'll switch, for example; my tummy just poked out of my leggings and I thought I was going to cut up my body <mod edit>. But now I have cider and I'm a bit chipper (brother's toffee apple - good call) I'm apathetically suicidal, yet lazy. Can't really walk to the motorway bridge; bit a trek, the only exercise I do is walk to the fridge because I'm a fat asshat. <mod edit - methods> Well this sucks. I'm kind of trapped in this crazy mind. Tried listening to really bad obscene rap, nope. Tried watching comedy - makes me want to get violent. I think I'm just going to have to get drunk and sleep.