Trapped in a living hell

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Jun 24, 2007.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Ive come to realize that nothing in this life will ever change. Anxiety and depression is a immovable force in my life. Im severely ill. Suffering every single second. Im so tired. Worn down and stripped of everything. Life has beaten me into the dirt. Im not good at being a human being. Im just not cut out for it.

    Im the guy that wakes up asking myself why did I have to be me. Everything about me I hate. I cant escape this web of misery. Saturated with abuse and failure. A ugly life. A worthless existence.

    You know the most troubling things I feel right now is not that I want to die, but that im too much of a coward to do it. I want nothing more than to put a gun to my head and be a split second away from freedom. And to save myself from persecution. I dont think there is a person in this world that thinks about death and want to die as much as me. But im a coward. Its funny that I have an anxiety condition as well as depression. Anxiety is just pure fear straight from hell. I just fear so much about killing myself. I dont know if I can even at my worse and most darkest moments. Ive attempted suicide in little subtle ways. Pills and drinking. But its the times ive held a gun to my head when I cant seem to do it, i cant pull the trigger and ive spent so many nights trying. Its like the safety is on, my finger wont move. I have a panic attack and just cry and sob because I cant escape. I died at some point. Because im in hell.

    Im trapped. I cant even die out right now. Too afraid to live, terrified of dying. Living in immense pain with no way out. I found myself into something I can never get out of. It wont let me go. Itll be this way forever. Haunted by all my failures. Tormented by the things I desire. Immense suffering on every level. Constant and relentless. A perfect blend of misery and anxiety. Why cant i live. Why cant I die.

    I just dont know what to believe or think. What happens that moment the heart stops. Will I sleep forever. Will I end up somewhere worse. I dont know. Of course I think about my family. And I love them. But they have no idea. Suffering is not living. In so many ways me and people like me are already dead. Dead but breathing.

    Life is such a cruel joke. In so many different ways I feel attacked. Physically and emotionally. Being hurt and having nearly everything in your life go wrong as if there was a black cloud hovering over you constantly. How can so many things consistently go wrong in my life? Trauma after trauma. is it bad luck or just fate?

    I dont know any of you. I dont know how legitmate some of you are or your claims or your suffering. I tend not to judge but I read so many posts and sometimes I think the seriousness of this matter is in question. I dont know if people here really want to die or end their life or whether they are just reacting from something bad happening in their life. I dont understand why anyone would go online and post they are going to kill themselves in 10 minutes. I wouldnt do that whether I was serious or not because I dont want to affect people on this board or be leading. Its a serious matter. People should come here for support and to share their experiences and pain. And if they are genuinely suicidal, come here with a open mind and with hope and for people to help you, not holding the blades to your wrist and having people to tell you why you should live.

    This may seem self centered but I dont think anyone goes through the same things I go through. i cant imagine another person out there going through the same things I am. I feel like im trapped in a perfect storm of mental illnesses. I dont even have control of my thoughts or emotions so I really have no control over my life. If I cant have control then this life doesnt really belong to me. I dont want to kill myself, only whatever is inside me that has destroyed my life.

    I feel like I have no choice or free will. Just a couple of options. Suffer til you die a horrible death, or committ suicide. Whether I die now or later doesnt matter. It shouldnt. Seems like committing suicide is less likely because I dont have the guts to do it. To do the right thing and stop hanging on to hopeless dreams.

    You know people say its selfish. That its the easy way out. I cant think of a more difficult or profound personal decision anyone can ever make. Is it selfish to want to save yourself from illness and misery? What is selfish about deciding not to live that way, especially when its your life and your the one that has to live it, and yoru the one that has to suffer, not anyone else. And there is nothing easy about suicide. I think it takes courage. It can be honrable in some cases. A certain amount of courage to be able to make the most profound and permenant decision, to end ones life. Courage Ill never know or have.

    Im trapped. Between a rock and a very hard place. The walls are closing in tight and everything has become dark in my life. Something has to give and soon. Ill probably lose my sanity or have a massive heart attack or stroke. I dont know. I feel like im in a sick mans torture room. Ive been trapped here for years. At some point you just want him to finish you. Thats how I feel about life. I just want it to be over. Im tired of everything haunting me. Im tired of the anxiety and the depression and physical pains. The dissapointments, failures, and constantly being hurt. I wish I didnt care. I wish I didnt have to wake up. Life is the real nightmare. Dying will be the greatest acheivement of my life. And the greastest moment.

  2. winston

    winston Well-Known Member

    View my thread.Please.
  3. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I most likely can't help you with your situation, but I certainly can relate to most of what you said. I don't feel as bad as you do, anymore, as I've fallen into something of an apathy, since a couple years back... although I'm sure I will feel like you do, again, with time. That's not very helpful for you, I know, but I had to say it...

    As for why some people post that they are planning their suicide, or that they are going to do it during the night... that really is quite simple. It is not, in any way, that they don't care about worrying others (usually, anyway); it is just that they don't want to be forgotten. Most people fear being forgotten, more than dying.

    May I ask if there is a particular reason to your depression? You sound a lot like me, before my near apathy, and that mostly had to do, like now, with the lack of a love in my life.
  4. Ripx

    Ripx Well-Known Member

    i agree with you that this site is mostly pointless attention seeking nonesense. like, if you want to commit suicide, then do it! if all you want is attention, then come and thoughtfully voice your issues and see if theres anything that could help.
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Winston I read your thread and ive spent my entire life trying to help people understand but im cant anymore. If you have to ask why then more than likely youve never been here and you probably will never understand.

    Hae-Gi, my depression is caused by so many variable factors. Abuse, trauma, low self worth, life experiences, failures, and my anxiety problems have put my life on hold. Imagine being in a maze and for years youve gone in every direction and you just end up at the begining again. You realize theres no way out, or I just dont have the ability to find it.
  6. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    Multiple, I must say I agree with Hae-gi, most people just don't want to be forgotten. It's one of our greatest fears - we do everything to leave some sort of mark in this world, be it giving birth to children, taking pictures of ourselves or posting on a suicide forum. Nothing is, however, as certain as the fact that we all will be forgotten. With time, no one will remember us. So it is a most irrational fear - to be forgotten is natural and something that follows from us being mortal.

    I don't have any answers for you, and frankly I don't think you will find them here. This is, indeed, a forum with limited resources when it comes to helping people. Words of comfort only get you so far. In the end I think that if you truly wish to be helped, you must either look deep into yourself and somehow deal with your issues there or seek "professional" help, even though it's most likely that the "professionals", in spite of their degrees and PhD's will have no idea how you feel and just put you on some anti-depressants.

    I guess my only advice for you is this: as long as you fear death, you're not ready for it. Death can be two things: either the tyrant who forces us to live, or the saviour who lets us escape the misery of life. It all depends on whether you've contemplated all the pros and cons when it comes to ending your life. Embracing death is what you have to do if you're going to commit suicide. If you haven't embraced death, if you're not calm when thinking about it and indeed then the ways of getting there, then you're not ready to die.

    You say you're "[...]too afraid to live, terrified of dying" - I have personally been where you are. But I realized that fearing the unknown is as humanly irrational as it gets. The important thing, I concluded, is that I know that what I have now, i.e. this life, is not for me. I hate it. Thus, I saw death from a new perspective. Instead of being something I feared, it became more like an opportunity. Of course it's a risk, for I don't know what happens once my heart stops beating, and at this stage it of course matters whether you're religious or not, but me being agnostic, I started embracing death and now I'm pretty cool with it. I will die soon but I don't feel any fear.
  7. themuffinman

    themuffinman Member

    Dont try to make people understand cuz chances are- you wont get anywhere. I was depressed for 8 1/2 years and no one did a single thing. In the end, I did it all myself. I got out of it. How? I found a hobby. I took up cars. When I feel bad, or worthless I go work on my car. If there is nothign wrong with it, I practice speed shifting for when I take it to the track. Just have to find your strong points (even if you think you dont have one.)

    You cant expect things to change over night, things take time.
  8. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I dont really care about being remembered by anyone except my family and to be honest Im not sure i want them to remember me because they will have to strain to think of good moments they spent with me.

    The insidious thing about this illness is that is compromises your will power and when it comes to seeking professional help, well were still scratching the surface on treating mental illnesses. its still one of those taboo issues.

    I do fear dying because I dont know if there is a God or not or a heaven or hell and I dont know if there will be consequences label to me in the afterlife or not. If i was at ease with dying as you seem to be I certainly wouldnt be here now, but thats the reason for feeling trapped. Not only in this life but in my circumstance. Its neverending really.

    Im past looking for answers. If my purpose serve anything its to share with others and maybe give others hope where they cant see it and let them know theyre not alone and there is always someone going through worse.
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