Trapped in life

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by amIalive, Jul 9, 2014.

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  1. amIalive

    amIalive Member

    I don't know where to begin, I feel awful, I just want to die, can't see a bit of hope. I've registered here almost 10 years ago. This is my new profile under similar nick since I forgot my old password and changed an email address in the meanwhile. My life hasn't improved a bit since. I know I would have killed myself a million times already if it wasn't for my mother. She's a good and carrying mother.

    I said my story earlier, but I will repeat it in short, I am 32, unemployed, single...in short I don't have a life. I lost all of a few friends I had. I can't get a job, I tried but it just doesn't work because of bad economic situation in my country and because I don't have anyone to recommend me to employers, I don't have connections and you just can't get a job without it.

    I've been depressed for like 10 years or more, It seems like I used to it, and I almost didn't feel it for last 4-5 years, except for some moments. I've just turned to zombie.

    I've always had a poor social skills, though I was a good looking guy I never had a true love, and I had opportunities, I just blew everything, I missed so much things in my life.

    Now I am completely alone. I spend my days watching movies, reading or just going out walking on the streets without purpose.

    I just need someone to hug me, love me and I don't have it...

    I always ask myself what I've done wrong to deserve this, I wasn't a bad guy...everything in my life was wrong, everything...

    I want to get drunk just like my late father used to, since I can't kill myself yet...I want to escape this bad world...:sorrow:

    PS
    Excuse my english, its not perfect.
     
  2. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    You're in a very dark place right now, but things can get better. You say you want someone to love you, well your mother loves you and you need to love yourself too. Start by going easy on yourself. You are not awful and things are not hopeless. You have a mother, a home, freedom and very good English in addition to another language. You sound depressed to me and so one of the first places to start is to see a Dr and find out what help you can get. You also need to spend some time around other people rather than being alone so much. Are there any activities that you'd like to get involved in? Volunteering is also really valuable and certainly in the UK can help towards getting a job as depending on what you do they will provide references and you are showing potential employers that even though you're not working you don't want to sit around doing nothing.
    You sound like someone with a lot of good qualities and we need people like you around in the world!
     
  3. amIalive

    amIalive Member

    Thanks for your time.

    All of my "friends" have built their lives already, they have jobs, got married... I have a college degree and haven't managed to find a job in years now, and now its even worse situation in every way- I am old, without experience and I don't have patience anymore to wait....I am too old to volunteer now, its more for younger people, theres also not much opportunities even for volunteering since i live in a small place. I need an income to start my life, without money I can't do anything. I really hate this country, economy sucks, and its even worse for ppl like me.

    I am also pretty much antisocial, not that i hate people, I mean sometimes i like to talk to them and I am not boring person, you can talk about everything with me, but for the most time i prefer to be alone, mostly because i am a loser, without job, also very few friends if any, not sure....also my late father was an alchoholic, and I moved a lot to different places so i never managed to sort my life, and when you don't have normal childhood it affects your whole life.

    I have some money, just enough to make one more trip to few european cities, just to escape this place for some time... than I dont know what i am gonna do when come back. I don't have a passion to live anymore, nothing thrills me anymore, i don't enjoy things i used to anymore....probably because of depression....you said I should see a Doctor, well, I was never on medications since i used to live healthy life and thought I can handle it. I had a few consultations but i saw it boring, I've heard it million times, and I know what I am doing wrong i dont need a doctor to tell me what i am doing wrong, they can only prescribe me medications. I dont know how that can help me. It certanly cant help me to find a job and thats my problem, i dont have problem in my head, and I am trying hard to get one, but just cant.....and than I feel depressed because of that, and dont want to see anyone and I want just to kill myself.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The medication can help you get a job because it can lift the depression enough so you do not feel completely aimless and without purpose. When you have lost all your motivation to live you have also lost all your motivation to take the steps necessary to do the things you are looking for like get a job or find a relationship. You say yourself you have no desire to do anything anymore because you lack those things- but that lack of desire also probably translates into a lack of action in looking for jobs and certainly would be apparent to anybody you are hoping to meet and form a relationship with. Besides- if you have tried it for 10 years without medication or medical help and it has not worked then maybe it is time to try a different approach?
     
  5. amIalive

    amIalive Member

    I've graduated at university under depression, and been trying hard to find job, and I wasnt always depressed, I was from time to time in those 10 years but not that I couldn't motivate myself to do things I have to do....I mean I was still optimistic at some point but now I don't see the point anymore...and I still giving the best to find a job, I apply everywhere I can and go to interviews which are very seldom now...
     
  6. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Just because you've lived for a long time with depression doesn't mean that things can't change. If you know that you are depressed then you should also know that you need help. If you don't want medication then therapies such as CBT have been shown to be really effective. You're not a loser, you just haven't begun yet because you are ill.
    It may be different where you are but lots of mature people volunteer in the UK and many organisations rely on volunteers. Have you considered taking a job that doesn't need a college education just to give you some structure and some money? I know that you are capable of much better but again in the UK lots of graduates take entry level jobs and then find that better things come along.
    You don't sound like a loser to me, just like someone who is depressed and hopeless and most of us know what that feels like.
    It's so easy to give advice but I guess you've heard it all before or tried it. I think you need help with your depression first of all.
     
  7. amIalive

    amIalive Member

    I have job interview at monday. Its shitty one tho.... I don't know, we'll see ...

    Thanks for replies.
     
  8. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Hope the interview went well.
     
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