Hello all, I’m new to the forum. I decided to post here because I feel like I have no options left.
Well to start off I have tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions with only one successful attempt, I was revived at the hospital and spent a few weeks in a drug/suicide rehabilitation center (They let me out early because they thought I was “Well adjusted”) . That was a few years ago but the feelings still shadow my life, I’m 19 now and I’m still stuck in the cycle of drug addiction. All my friends that are left are heavy users and the only way to make ends meet is to deal. My life seems to have lost all meaning and focus, it’s all just a struggle to get high and fight off the depression. I think of myself as very unattractive and sometimes go whole days without looking in a mirror. I have never had a girlfriend and the only real interactions I have with females is when I’m selling them drugs. My friends and family don’t understand how I feel, I don’t know why but I act cheerful when their around but the whole time all I can think about is ending my life.
I know I could fight off my addictions and live in a sober world but I can’t think of a good reason why. I like to lay awake at night and dream about a wife, children and a meaningful job. But I know this is all just an illusion I craft for myself to get through the night. I know ill never work up the courage to live a normal life. I have tried to distract my mind with mindless work and hobbies but sometimes I feel I am too burned out for even that. Suicide has almost become the last chapter in my life; all I need to do now is stumble towards it.Hope i posted in the right section,