Trapped in my mind.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Silenced, Nov 23, 2011.

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  1. Silenced

    Silenced Member

    My name is John. I'm turning 20 in a few days. I found this site in the hopes of speaking with people that understand and have gone through similar situations as mine. This is going to be a long post.. I'm not sure if you will be able to follow it all.. but I pray someone reads it all.

    So here is my situation.

    I grew up in a great household. Loving family, always got what I needed and never had to struggle. Some would say that I was extremely sheltered.
    My parents fought off and on and physical violence was present in my household and I witnessed it as a small child.. all the way until my parents divorced a few years ago. I am going to now jump to more recent times.

    All of my problems seem to start after my high school graduation. I had never touched alcohol.. not even a drop.. or any other sort of illicit substance until after high school. I went to University in the fall of 2010.. on a full ride as a foreign language major. I tested out of 4 semesters worth of German and everything was great. However, I was bumped up into master's level German courses and soon began to realize that this isn't what I wanted.
    Naturally, college was a HUGE change for me... I got mixed up with some bad people and started drinking and partying for the first time in my life.
    I became infatuated with the mystery of life.. why were we here? why is this life even significant ? I was also, at this point, going on a religious search.. trying to find some sort of inner peace or at least reaffirm my belief in Christianity. In september, I had my first psychedelic experience..

    Now, before I go any further, I was extremely educated on psychedelics by this point, as I am a huge huge huge research freak. I knew every single drug interaction by heart and had spent countless hours on Hip forums .. just reading others stories.
    Naturally, because of this confidence and what I believed to be a non human mental strength level, my doses were extremely high. I searched and dealt with inner struggles, trying to break down boundries in my mind so that I would be able to gain more intellectual knowledge behind the mystery of life.

    Anyways, back to my story... sorry this is all sort of jumbled, however, i need to get it all out.

    So I ended up failing all of my classes.. this was literally the first "fuck up" of my entire life.. my parents were understanding but they still hold it over my head 24/7... and I decided to not go back in the spring semester. I was going to enlist in the Navy and become a Crypto linguist... I got all of that squared away.. made a perfect score on the Defense language aptitude battery test, however, the excitement was cut short again...
    I was not allowed to enlist, due to scoliosis and ended up having a full spinal fusion surgery in the end of March / April of 2011.. I then spent April / May / June and July locked inside my room.. a prisoner of my own thoughts... I'm not sure where everything went wrong... however..

    I now feel like a ghost.. I feel as if the old me is gone.. that I have tainted myself with drugs and powerful psychedelics... I am now completely unable to deal and adapt with change.. I can't imagine a future for myself and am lost...
    I am back in school.. I went back in August and that did help me.. as I was finally doing music.. which is what I love to do.. the distractions help, however, I am now faced with the ordeal of my first semester's grades haunting me.. I owe 10k dollars or I am not allowed to go back to school.. and I can guarantee this one thing. If I have to come back home.. I will end my life. The months spent recovering from surgery killed me. I became severely addicted to codeine .. everyday for April / May / June and into July.

    Btw, codeine withdrawel is HORRIBLE.
    so I basically feel worthless.. I feel as if the key to me surviving this is simply a wife.. or girlfriend w/e.

    I'm a pretty amazing guy overall.. or I used to be.. I was funny.. the life of the party.. had everything going for me.. etc etc.. however, I always got friend zoned by every single girl... All I want is someone that will honestly care about me.. and in the way that a family wouldn't.. I am a hopeless romantic and I feel as if I have SOOOO much love to give ...
    No one ever gives me the chance and I can't continue to keep everything bottled up inside.. I've talked to people.. I have a support group of friends.. however, my mind is insane.. I don't know how I can survive 30 or 40 more years of this... I know things get better.. I know times subside.. I know that... I've heard it all.. I've heard 1000 of reasons why you shouldn't kill yourself...

    but... yeah the but comes in... it always does..

    I just don't see why this life is significant.. why should we have to go through all of this bullshit? Life is an illusion.. our minds create pictures .. based on frequencies and sensory organs telling us "what is real and not real" however, our own consciousness.. is nothing more than a picture.. created by our minds... and if that is the case, then our mind is also nothing more than an illusion. My mom always tells me.. "You need to deal with reality" The problem is... WHY? What is reality? What is anything? Why is it important..? Why do we feel the need to reproduce.. or have natural instincts to eat and thrive and survive and better ourselves? Life is like a hologram. If you were to examine a small part of a hologram.. you would simply find that it is composed of smaller versions of the bigger picture.. repeating themselves.. thus it is impossible to dissect it. This infinite loop and mystery drives me nuts! I don't understand and thus am not able to deal with change.

    All of my friends are succeeding.. they are about to be juniors in college and I am still stuck in my first semester.
    I want things to go back to how they were in high school.. I had a close knit group of friends who spent 24/7 together.. now none of us speak to one another due to a fight .. blah blah..

    Someone help me.. How do I deal with life? How do I beat change? How do I find things to look forward to.. when I have no idea even where to begin. I have no hope for the future.. and at this point.. ending my life.. even though it would be super selfish... is really the only way out. It would be so much better to just get to what is awaiting us after life. I know there must be something after life.. think about it.. what is the random ass chance that we are just some random people on some random yet perfectly suitable environment... slim to none..

    Sorry for the GIGANTIC post.. hope some of you find it interesting and can help.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I just wanted to let you know i read your post and you are not unlike many young people who go out on their own and challenge differnent aspects of living
    You got into a bad crowd so many do hun that is how one learns through our mistakes you are still very young so much time to get back on t hat path a different path that will bring you excitement Take a course that brings you interest that gives you purpose to living hun. You are so intelligent you could go to so many places ones of you choice okay. You sound like you have depression now are you being treated at all for that. Medication with therapy will help you see more clearly will help you get out of that downward spiral you in . Hugs to you
  3. Silenced

    Silenced Member

    Just helping people around the forum has shown me that I am actually pretty fortunate...
    I just need to work on a few things.

    -Resentment toward myself... I often find myself smiling around my parents and then stopping and turning it into sadness because I'm afraid or embarrassed to show happiness in front of them.
    -I need some goal or something to look forward to.
  4. Love.Never.Fails

    Love.Never.Fails New Member

    Hey John,
    My name is Bree. I am a military wife. I was reading your post, and it very much touched my heart. I understand exactly how you feel. I myself feel lost in this pace of life. I am a stay at home mom. I am a wife. But I used to be funny, smart, outgoing, workaholic. I have lost all that I am become someone I didnt know that this was even going on until I woke up 3 years later and couldnt recognize myself in the mirror. But like you I have a faith and relationship with God. I have helped my dad, my husband and friends through a lot of things and through suicide (even though that is a life long struggle). I believe in restoration, reviving of the spirit inside us, healing and overcoming the least expected. But we gotta get out of these walls within ourselves. I too was abused a ton growing up and even during my marriage. But with lots of prayer I was able to move past and get help.
    I have anger, resentment and built up things, but I try to just write my feelings down and share them with someone I can trust (which is a,most no one these days) I mean it seams like no one is trustworthy. But I can help in any way you need.
    Talking is the best way to beat suicide. Not medicine, not hugging it out or seeing a therapist who will put you on medicine. But facing the reality that maybe the problem is not within our own minds but the people that caused us the pain in the first place. Like my mother is not right in the head. But I swear I thought I was the crazy one until someone sane pointed it out that she is not right i nthe head. and That I was brainwashed.

    Love is out there.
    Someone will love you and carry you through this.
    and I too tried to join the military but couldnt because I have one kidney and have had cancer and all sorts of other medical issues. Ill be praying for you friend! and also please be careful about researching online. Especailly because there are alot of crazy things on the web that can get your nogin turning and cause more problems and harm than good. its like the good ole saying goes sometimes it better to know nothing that know everything and innocence can be bliss. Where there is evil, there is good and vise versa. Gaurd your heart and mind and remember to stay true to you. If you really want to get back to the old you before all these things started going wrong, close your eyes and just pray. Even if you dont believe, praying wont hurt anyone ever! Hugs!
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