Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Skyfire, Aug 16, 2013.

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  1. Skyfire

    Skyfire Active Member

    I don't know what to do. I need to get out of this apartment, I need to get away, but my mother says if I leave, she will call the police and tell them I "threatened to commit suicide", like I freaking said it to cause her trouble! Aren't you supposed to say something when you're feeling that way? I just need some air, but she won't let me leave. I feel like the walls are closing in around me, I'm suffocating and I want to scream and rip my skin off but all I can do is sit her crying, while she sleeps in the front room. I don't know what to do, I feel like I"m going to suffocate and explode all at once! There's not even any booze in the house, so I can't escape that way. I am freaking losing it! I'm sorry, please, help me think of something to do, I am going to hurt myself if I don't find something to do with this pain and this scream welling up in my chest!
  2. fransigne

    fransigne Active Member

    ask her if she will go out with you.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    this is a good suggestion. are you still there?
  4. Skyfire

    Skyfire Active Member

    It is a good idea, but she never will. She's in a wheelchair, and she uses it as an excuse to be a recluse. She won't leave. She never wants to leave. We beg her to come out with us, and she refuses, says she's too tired or too much trouble, or she just doesn't want to be around us, she has better things to do - then later she says that we keep her there, and that we're abusing and neglecting her because we'll never take her out of the house. She lies to people and tells them we don't give her water, when I spend half my days and nights running back and forth to get the damn ice cubes in her cup just right, because if there's too much or not enough, she goes ballistic and starts screaming and crying that nobody cares about her. Then she tells people how good her children are to her, but when they leave, she makes a point of saying "See how bad I had to lie to them about you, because I don't have any choice but to rely on you. If I told them how horrible you are, they'd have you arrested for elder abuse." I have never neglected or hurt her in any way, but she thinks that not appearing in the room fast enough when she screams across the house through the walls is neglect. She gets some kind of power trip out of controlling the people around her, isolating them and making them hate each other. She's sicker than I am, and that's saying something...

    How can you love someone and hate them so damn much at the same time?

    Anyway, I didn't harm myself that night, at least, not like I was afraid I would. Thanks for the concern and the idea, it was a good one for a normal sane human being; I wish my family operated that way =P
  5. fransigne

    fransigne Active Member

    It's starting to make more sense now why you feel so trapped. It seems she wants an emotional response out of you and for you to feel the pain she is feeling. I can see how you feel really frustrated with her manipulation and control.
  6. Skyfire

    Skyfire Active Member

    She just got done calling me a rapist, saying that I rape her all the time because I like having power over her. What the hell does that even mean? I would NEVER, how can she be so vulgar?

    I am so tired of being alive. I don't even feel like killing myself, even that is too much effort and drama for too little payoff, I am just sick of the wasted energy of sucking air into my lungs and expelling it over and over for no damn reason. Life is a pointless, meaningless, agonizing cage of misery for no gain and no true purpose, and in the end you die either way, whether its today or years from now, we all end up rotting the ground. What the hell is the point of spending all this time suffering, when we're all going to end up dead eventually anyway? The novelty of it has worn off, I just want this pointless charade to end.

    Maybe I can work up the courage and energy to off myself for my mom's birthday. That would be the most wonderful present I could give her, she's always telling me she wishes I'd just go away and disappear, and she'd pay someone to take care of her, and they'd do it right. I even know a place where I am relatively sure no one would find my body, so she wouldn't even have to be saddled with the nuisance of disposing of it. Maybe she'd finally be happy with something I did, and my life will not have been a complete and utter waste of time.

    But I can't think about that. The idea that my mother might actually come to see me as something other than dirt on her shoe only after I am gone makes me want to start screaming, and if I start, I'm not sure I'll know how to stop.

    Gods above and below, I cannot do this anymore.
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