Trapped

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lune Bleue, May 31, 2015.

  1. Lune Bleue

    Lune Bleue Member

    I sorta don't want to get into too many details so I'll try to keep this simple.
    Being trilingual and not getting a former education in english may make me somewhat bad in english, I apologize for that.

    Emotionally abusive and cold/uncaring narcissistic family.
    Heavy emotional, physical and sexual violence at school from elementary school to the end of high school (tho it gradually got kinda better).
    Seeking help made things incredibly worst every time, gradually shut myself to the outer world and grew to mistrust figures of authority and most people.
    Massive depression as I entered college, resulting in me being kicked out of my home cause my parents didn't want to deal with that.
    Survived as I could ever since then. After a few years of rather self destructive behaviour managed to go back to do a quick course in school that could help me find better work. I'm now a graphic designer and digital artist. Can't say it's horrible but the stress coming with that sort of work isn't really helping me. Had an average of around 95% in high school but failed to put that to any use which makes me feel constant shame.
    Attracted to the wrong kind of people in love, and feeling so broken that I gradually lost interest in relationships. Overwhelmed by a feeling that I'm too much trouble for anyone.
    Interests that are alien to anyone I've met (such as philosophy, psychology, sociology and history). Realized too late these were my passions to study in them (parents originally forced me to study scientific research, which I hate and gave up due to that and depression). Perhaps fitting that my largest customers are mental health organizations.
    Gained and lost many friends (for a time was very outgoing), tho I finally managed to find a few (three) stable friendship, one of which I value more then my life.
    Ever since depression I've been suffering health problems. Fibromyalgia, massive tinnitus, digestion issues, had to have surgery.
    Tried to get professional help, couldn't even believe it but I got yelled at and mocked. Lost hope that anything would help me.
    Tried to get professional help again two years ago, was somewhat better and got medication prescribed, but these medication made me feel worst.
    Gradually am becoming emotionally "grey", losing interests in most things, including artistic creativity. Constantly plagued by nightmares of my past and growing to isolate myself more and more from the world. Feeling constantly pathetic.
    I'm still young and somehow got lucky (in a way) as I still look like a teenage (most people don't even believe I'm 24) but I'm still getting older and growing desperate.
    I feel trapped in my own circles, and I lost trust that trying to get help would result in anything good. I hate myself for being the way I am.
    Doing research I believe I'm suffering from three things : 1)Social phobia without panic. 2)Complex PSTD. 3)Major depression.
    Constant feeling of being alien, depressed and suffering from health issues, as well as being too often judged for all three, makes me gradually more and more unable to connect with others or even try seeking it. Self interest in human nature related things gave me a darker outlook on humans in general, not really helping me (apparently blaming the victim is a mental reflex that most people have in order to preserve the idea that the world is fair, and as thus those who suffers must deserve it, for instance).
    Generally not very interested in social medias, but decided that going to a forum like here may be of some help to me.
    As I said in my intro I mostly want to express myself... which I sorta am bad at. I may eventually try to write about exactly how I feel emotionally.
    I'm aware this post is not super coherent and doesn't have much of a point. Still grateful for being able to express myself.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are very coherent and articulate. Glad you are able to express yourself here I do hope though you get a good psychiatrist if the one you have is not caring you find a new one it is ok to do that and try newer meds that do not cause your emotions to become so numb ok nice to meet you
     
  3. Lune Bleue

    Lune Bleue Member

    Well thank you.
    I'd rather find a good psychologist to be honest. For now I'm registered to a group therapy thing which hasn't yet started sadly. Seems most promising then other things I tried so far and I have the (perhaps foolish) hope of being able to meet people who can relate.