Trapped

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by susannah, Feb 21, 2016.

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  1. susannah

    susannah Member

    Just can't take it any more. There is no escape. I've been stuck living with an emotionally abusive mother my whole life. I'm 36 and it never ends. Day after day of having to be treated as worthless. She's told me I should kill myself, then laughs in my face. My sister gets treated like she's the most special person in the world, she has shouted abuse in my face until I've been shaking and crying - then they both laugh at it. My dad acts as if it's nothing to do with him and I shouldn't bother him about it. As a kid, I had to endure endless arguments and screaming between him and my mum - and had to continually cover up for them - now they act as if nothing ever happened. As if it was all in my head and now I'm just an embarassment and a failure in life.

    It's the little things now that are proving to be the final straw. I have to be up early to volunteer at a charity shop - but my sister and mum purposely wake me up at three in the morning - then laugh at how upset I get. I won't get back to sleep now and so will be exhausted tomorrow. And they'll do this every night. At work I manage to wear a mask and pretend to be a normal person, but every day I wonder how I'll have the energy to do it anymore. My other sister herself describes living here as 'unbearable' but refuses to help - she got out and is happy and getting married soon.

    I've been struggling with suicidal feelings since I was a teenager. It just NEVER ends. Reading this back - it sounds so trivial - as if I'm complaining about nothing. But I'm not allowed to speak or show emotion here. I get punished for doing so. I have to not exist. And I can't take it anymore. I went to the doctors recently and was mortified when I broke down completely in front of them - but she was a young doctor who was embarassed by it and just gave me a handout for a number to call. Was visibly relieved when I left. I left a message on the number but then because I missed them calling me back, I got a letter saying they were 'discharging me from the sevice' - it's impossible to even TRY to get help ( and I didn't realise they would do that - send a letter- if my mum or sister had seen I was trying to get counselling - they would have tormented me over it)

    I'm just done. No-one cares. There is no REAL help out there. It's just endless, endless enduring .... for nothing. To see how happy other people are. To feel insignificant and worthless every single day. I'm so so tired of battling on alone like this. I need it to be over. What is the point of .... continuing to exist .... when life is nothing but misery.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The answer is not to remove yourself from the world, but to remove yourself from the house. You do not have to stay there and take that abuse, you would be better in a shelter than taking that and then from there work out services to get yourself a shared flat or other more reasonable housing arrangements. Don't die, just move. I am sure it has occurred to you and for some reason seems undoable, but there are a lot of people here from many situations that found ways out of those situations so if there are other circumstance maybe if you share they could explain how they managed?
     
  3. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Based on what you've presented to us, the reasonable thing for you to do is move. Don't let your misery fester by living in such a lonely and malicious environment. Your situation doesn't sound trivial to me. Don't needlessly compare your issues with others and dismiss yourself because you think they have it worse. Also, your having one bad experience with getting help doesn't make all other help out there any less genuine; don't give up reaching out and seeking help. You don't have to continue battling alone. You can be helped.
     
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* I am so very sorry you are going through this.

    This is not trivial. Your mother and mine sound a lot alike, so I do understand where you, and this is coming from.

    I will repeat what is already said, you need to remove yourself from that harmful environment. Can you move?
    Is there a friend or co-worker you can stay with if you can't afford a small flat somewhere?

    I'd also say it's worth reaching out to a therapist, it sounds like you've had a bad experience before, no-one is perfect and that goes for therapists as well.
    Keep trying, keep fighting.

    You are NOT worthless, you are worth so much. Don't give up! You're strong to have made it this far, don't throw that away!
     
  5. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    I'm going to jump way out on a limb and assume you have considered and explored moving and that it isn't possible/feasible or better at this point, otherwise this isn't much of a 'story' if you have somewhere else you can be, and you can just pack your georgie bundle and be there. So, I won't say "move", I will say keep trying to move, and try to keep your hope until when you are able to move.
    Change your thinking; if you think you are trapped you will remain trapped; if you think you are free and change is possible, it will come. Your reality will change when you commit to changing your thoughts and attitude.

    As for your mom and sister, practically speaking, can you go to bed earlier so that even if they wake you up, you have already had some extra hours of sleep. Or if you know they will wake you that morning, can you arrange to be up by then anyway, so they meet you up casually doing something: watching tv, reading, listening to music, getting dressed for 'fun', and totally unbothered by their mean-spirited "game"? I know it sounds odd but when you live in an environment that is basically psychological warfare, you have to sometimes use "crazy" tactics to take the wind out of their sails.

    It does NOT sound trivial at all. Having an awful home/work environment is one of the hardest things to deal with as that ought to be your foundational base of support to allow you to better cope with the rest of the crap out there in the world. So when your home itself is the war zone, it can shake your foundation and leave you very out of balance.

    Also, the other happy people you see, are probably trapped in their own living hell, wearing their own masks anyway. All that glitters...

    But your job is to change how you think. That is your first/main/perhaps only step needed to make your actual world a better one to live in. That's really what it boils down to. Choose your freedom.
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Echoing what others has mentioned. Break that vicious cycle and move out. Being a prisioner in that house is mentally making you feel worse. Your other sister got herself out and she is apparently doing better. Maybe ask her or see how she got out. You are enabling their bad behavior towards you by being around and once you are out of their grips they have nothing left to use towards you once they realize how free you are
     
  7. susannah

    susannah Member

    Just wanted to say a huge thank you for the replies. Just knowing that people have taken the time and effort to respond means so much.

    I wish I did have somewhere else to go, ANYWHERE else .... but I don't. I have no money - no savings - nothing (could never hold down a job because I had undiagnosed OCD - now that I know I have managed to hold down a job in a charity shop - but it's obviously unpaid - I've been trying to find paid work but it just goes nowhere .... ) And I have absolutely no one to ask for help or to go stay with - I wish I did - I get so overwhelmed with despair at how I literally don't have a single person in my life who gives a damn about me. When I walk around and see how many people actually live near me, all I can think is why am not friends with ONE person who could help me?

    Anyway (sorry I can't even get five minutes of privacy to respond properly ... I'm also a bit alarmed that this forum is viewable as a public forum ... I opened up too much - if my sister or mum read my post, they'd know it was me ... is there anyway to edit it???) - just wanted to say thank you to everyone that responded. I'm still feeling really fragile and unwell but ... it's helped a bit reading the replies.
     
  8. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Your a victim of narcisstistic parents. Your sister is the "golden child/pleaser" and your the "scapegoat". Your sister learned if she "pleases" your parents they would to abuse her and maybe even show love and respect. You are the soundboard for all their disfunction. Your parents cannot ever change, so do try to "fix" them. Narcisstists are a (type 2)personality disorder, with these guys the only thing you can do is go no contact ( or minimum). Your reaction is completely predictable given your upbringing, you react as a co-dependent. A co-dependent is a kind, patient, forgiving, loving and empathic individual who unfortunately finds they look for happiness and validation from outside of themselves eg partner, family etc.
    Your reaction is normal, you are normal, they are not normal.
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiya, I can relate my sister is ''so much better'' than I am and treated with more respect, don't get me wrong my family are amazing but I am most definitely the black sheep in the family. I think they are embarrassed about me still living at home at my age (27) but at the same time don't want me to move out because they care about me too much. I am lucky to have them. I think you should think about getting out of that environment and rent a room maybe? It has to be better than the way you are currently living. There IS help out there. Talk to friends, talk to someone who will listen, call a hotline, call a doctor again and explain what is going on, they will probably tell you to get out of that environment because it is really making your mental health suffer. I am always around if you need someone to talk to. We DO care.
     
  10. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Unfortunately I am not familiar enough with what real help may be available to assist you in your country to list options to look into to make it possible to become a little more self sufficient, but I do know some places to look up and some people that could private message you with some options to look into to make it so it is possible. You feel trapped and based on circumstance it is very understandable - be treated awful or starve/ sleep on the street is not much of an option. But there are very likely some other possibilities as well if the only reason you do not want to change situation are shelter/food and basic necessities. If you want to consider moving or if it would be consideration if it were possible while still meeting basic needs then let me know and I will have somebody message you some ideas to look into.

    If there are more things and moving is not a consideration or possibility at all aside from the financial issue, then it is a question of exploring ways to make things more bearable, which while actually harder, maybe some have some ideas. If it is just ways to try to make thing s better and really do not want to move regardless, and just looking for support and ways to make better let us know that too so is not just all of telling you something that is not going to happen. It is really hard feeling trapped and alone, I just hope you feel less alone , and know there are people that care.
     
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Just checking in to see if you're doing better
     
  12. susannah

    susannah Member

    Thanks.

    Wish I could say I was but ... it's if anything getting worse. What is the point of getting up every day when there is NO hope of anything ever changing for the better. I wish I could be strong and positive and I appreciate everyones replies, but it's just pointless thinking there is anyway out of this.
     
  13. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    When there is a will there is a way. don't let them win . Hang out with the one that can give you tips and encouragements
     
    Freya likes this.
  14. SteveBy

    SteveBy Active Member

    Hi - the idea of seeing if a shelter can help might be an idea. It seems the root cause of much pain is being where you live. I hope there are options for you, but it's worth seeing what might be possible to help you find some space for yourself. I hope you find a way through.
     
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