trapped

I'm a member here but I'm posting anonymously cos I don't want anyone to worry. These are just feelings I hope

I really want to die. I wish I could get hit by a car or mugged and stabbed. I hate my life and I just want it to end. I'm so sick of being a pathetic coward with a head full of hopeless dreams. I want so badly to take risks and be brave, but I'm just so terrified of feeling even worse. But I guess only by risking everything can you gain anything. But as I said, I'm a coward. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is I don't want anyone being upset by finding my body. I've made a plan to just disappear, wander off one night and never be heard from again. I can feel my mind breaking and I know when it does that's what will happen. Hopefully just that. I know deep down that I'm capable of horrific things. I spend so much time and effort trying to do the right thing, if I gave up on that I could do the wrong thing so very very well. Maybe I'd be protecting the people I love if I died, but no one will see it like that. I'm trapped. Everything I do will always be the wrong thing. The only choices I see are kill myself or embrace my natural ability to hurt people and fuck up their lives. I'm a worthless human being who'll only be remembered as a pathetic joke. I should just give in to what everyone wants and kill myself, at least then they'll be rid of me.

 

You sound compassionate to me. Do you miss judge yourself? Everyone is capable of doing nasty horrific things but it's the ability to realise that they are horrific which sets us aside from the ones that do them coldly. Do you fear loosing control could land you in serious situations?
I can only say that you must hold onto those dreams. Theyve got an ingredient in called hope and without that we curl up and die.
The fact that you spend time doing the right thing or at least trying means a lot. You're your own judge so be fair.

 

Thank you for your reply

I used to misjudge myself but now I'm beginning to think that all the people who told me I'm wrong and flawed and useless and pathetic are right. I don't want to hope anymore. Hope is just a lie I tell myself so I don't give up. What I hope for never comes true, I fucked up once too often. I'm not so much afraid of being in a serious situation, but of enjoying doing terrible things. I'm sick of always trying to do the right thing, I'd be a lot better at deliberately doing the wrong thing. I guess in some ways I want revenge and to prove to all those people who think I'm weak that I'm capable of awful things so they'll never take advantage of me again. So by dying I'm protecting people, why wont anyone see that?

 

I know that feeling all too well, and I can also understand that overwhelming sense of self hate, I carry it around with me everywhere I go. The only advice I have is too see a psych and get an outside perspective on why you feel this way, you probably think your very alone right now in your own world, but youd be surprised how many people have similiar thoughts and feelings, a psych can give you that perspective...