It's always about men, you know. For me, I mean. I don't know, I think I'm trying to replace my father and so I end up forming dependent relationships (like with my current bf), and screw myself developing any real intimacy with anyone. If it's a shallow enough relationship, people tend to like me very well. Spend any real time with me, or have a sufficiently demanding self respect that shallow relationships do nothing for you, and you'll probably have zero use for me. And now I don't really have any sex drive. There's some kind of latent shadow drive lingering mostly out of habit, but to actually get and stay hard, or even a sustained interest in any person or sexy situation ... it's not going to happen. Instead, I'd rather get drunk on some more self-pity please. (Not actually a drinker.) Yeah, so, it just all feels too late. Too late to get that ripped body, too late to be funny or artistic, too late to even be interesting. Jesus, can there please be a strike of lightning? Can there be some other kind of accident that is no one's fault that somehow painfully obliterates my brain in a matter of seconds?