Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LongLost, Jun 18, 2010.

  1. LongLost

    LongLost New Member

    I am so ******* stupid. I hate myself. I can never be good enough. I always get things taken away from me. I cant control my anger and emotions. I cant save my money and I never can work enough. I am trapped and I cant get out. I cant weasel my way through this chapter of my life like my brother did. I cant play the cards right to get my way and get out of here. I am selfish and immature and just plain stupid. I cant get over my stupid fear and anxiety to talk to my parents about things that will change my situation. I am almost 19 years old and should be beyond these stupid 15-yr-old parameters. I assume everything and I will go nowhere in life. I will never graduate college and I will never have enough to get by. I am a worthless piece of shit that no one likes and I have no friends. People would rather clip their toenails then to spend time with me. I hate what I have become and the world is better off without me contaminating it. I am hopeless, helpless, stupid, selfish, cowardly, and a chronic pessimist who deserves to sleep with worms and rot in Hell. God is shaking his head and naming me the one person on earth who actually was a mistake.

    Why do the most horrible people in the world’s eyes actually get through life, the murderers and rapists, the greedy robbers, scammers, con artists, druggies, mobsters, and just plain morally bad people? Why do they get what they want and I, compared to them, seem quite “good”. I know some get to the slammer, but what about the money hungry fame seekers? I know they have their problems, but so many are living the good life. I don’t want the world. I don’t want excessive riches and fame and extravagance. I just want the freedom to do as I please. I just want to be able to go see a friend when I want to. I just want to be able to enjoy time somewhere away from home without the nag of time constraints. I just want to be free from the stifling parents.

    I cant just DO this by myself. Ive been through so much crap with my parents that I have so much anxiety built up. My defense mechanism to avoid confrontation is to assume and figure out the outcome before I even try. I need help and I don’t know what to do. I mean I know what to do but I cant do it. I need someone physically making me talk to them. My mind will always keep me from it. I don’t have will power. Someone just telling me what I already know isn’t going to make me do it. I know I don’t do things right and im going nowhere. What made me deserve this shit. Why am I made this way, and paired with a horrible situation to match that just ignites the problem. I am so screwed up and you don’t need this extra baggage.

    I cant use their car. I don’t have money. I don’t have friends. I cant leave this place they keep me. I cant compromise. Im always in the wrong. I never can get ahead. I am always at their disposal, everything comes back to them and I don’t have anything for myself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are still just starting in life 19 wow i wish i could be there again. Do what you want thats what you do. get a job anywhere even if it is a low paying job move out start living your life don't stay trapped okay get out
  3. LongLost

    LongLost New Member

    im trying to. i have 2 jobs, but money just isnt coming in. i just need to work harder. im thinking of getting a motor scooter to get some sanity, my own local transportation that i can use whenever
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I give you alot of credit working two jobs.. That is no small feat in itself..Have you ever seen a therapist? They can teach you coping skills and cognitive distortions..If you don't get along with the first one then find another one.. It took me three before I found Gina.. I have been seeing her for five years.. She is good at what she does..I always walk out of there with a smile on my face..Don't let your parents hold you back.. Do you have any friends that you could rent an apartment with??Or maybe a coworker you get along with..I wish you all the best..Saty Safe!!