Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Psychosomatattack, May 24, 2012.

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  1. Psychosomatattack

    Psychosomatattack Active Member

    I feel so, so horrible. And I keep wanting to tell the few friends/acquaintances I have so they can comfort me but I am too ashamed, they can't know how bad I really feel.

    I feel trapped, most suicide methods are painful/scary, and often don't work. The ones that are less painful/scary are even less likely to work. I don't have the courage for some of them no matter how depressed I am. Why do I have to keep living, I don't understand? I was born weird-looking, I'm a genetic anomaly. I don't have the strength or courage to try and live in spite of this. I just feel so empty all the time. And it's easy for a bunch of strangers online to say, "You have worth, I'm sure you look fine," etc. Not that I don't appreciate these words, and I don't expect anyone to be my therapist. I'm just saying, if you knew what I looked like and how I am, you may understand why I feel this way and can really see why I don't want to live.

    I don't know how some people do it. I admire those with deformities or disabilities who carry on, some of them even happy. I feel so weak in comparison. I don't even have a deformity, but I feel deformed nonetheless. Like I came out with something off, physically.

    I need to go see a professional. But I still want to die. I really, really do. I wish it was as easy as swallowing pills.

    These words alone aren't even enough to convey how truly awful I feel, every day. Hollow. But people out in the real world don't care, I've been around them long enough to know they just shrug you off and move on with their own wonderful lives. They even sometimes laugh at those who commit suicide or call them cowards and mock them.

    I don't know what else to say : ((((((

    I'll probably regret posting this later...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i am sorry you feel so low hun I hope you continue to vent here reach out for support and those people who laugh are not people at all they are noones how cruel of them
    Hugs to you
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you feel that way :apologetic:

    I sometimes feel that I look weird as well. I know that I'm not deformed, but it seems like nobody finds me attractive, and I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. Upon initial glance, I think that I look perfectly normal. But then I take a closer look, and start to see things about my face that just seem... off. Not quite right. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. It's like if somebody sees me from a distance, they might think I look fine, they might even find me slightly attractive. But then as they get closer and spend more time looking, they start to see that I'm not as attractive as I appeared on first glance. The strangest thing is, I think I look worse at different times of the day. It's not one of those things where I'm just starting to look tired, or my hair gets messy, or anything like that... it's like I'll look in the mirror before I leave the house, and I look fine... but then I'll be out somewhere and use the restroom, and I see myself in the mirror and think "what the hell? How did I suddenly get so ugly? I was fine just a few hours ago..." It's like my whole face has taken on a new, uglier shape. Maybe it's just my imagination. Or maybe it's just the lighting. I don't know. People have told me that I'm attractive when I ask, but that's just something you say to be nice. Nobody is going to look you in the eye and say "no, you're ugly". It's obvious that they don't really find me attractive by the way that they interact with me, because I've seen how people act when they're around attractive people. Attractive people don't get rejected by 99% of the people they've ever asked out. Attractive people don't go five years without anybody wanting to date them. Even if I had a horrible personality, some shallow woman would still want to date me just based on looks if I really was remotely attractive.

    Sorry, I don't mean to make this about me... I've more or less accepted the fact that I'm probably not very pleasant to look at. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only person who feels that way. And yes, my negative self image has been a contributing factor to my depression; I don't think it's vain or shallow to want to look good. Everybody wants to look good, nobody ever says "I want to be ugly". Well, okay maybe some people do, but those people probably need even more help than I do, because that would be a sign of some pretty extreme self loathing.

    I would say that I'm sure you look fine, because in my eyes you probably would, but I know it doesn't do any good to say so. Don't worry, I doubt very many of us here have wonderful lives to shrug off to. This may not be the "real world", but we are real people, and we do live in the real world and have real problems too. You never know who else around you might be going through some of the same problems. We don't all go around talking about it, some of us wear a mask in our daily lives, just pretending to be happy and stable. But trust me when I say that you are not alone.
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Love LoneWolfs response and to add to that dosnt matter what looks are on the outside it is who you are on the inside.Find a way of liking yourself to hell about how others look at you be strong within yourself and you will find you yourself and others will look at you with respect.Glad you could vent here too and keep that up as you need to as you will find support and understanding here too.Take care
  5. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    hi Psychosomatattack.
    i'm sorry you are feeling this way. firstly, you need to seek professional help. you need someone to talk to. with whom you feel comfortable to open up.

    honey, you can be beautiful from the inside. this sounds like a cliche, i know, but i do believe in the concept with all my heart. first of all, you must be kind to yourself. take a good care of yourself... you, just like all of us, have a soul. take a good care of your soul as well. be strong. don't let those shallow people let you down. there are kind people in the world who will not judge you and look at you for who you really are. make friends with those people. hang out with them. you need a friend, honey.

    be a good person. be generous and caring to all around you even animals. all beings are attracted to kindness, you know that, right? be that kindness. set a goal and achieve it.

    whenever you need any strength, feel free to pm me.
    sending you a warm hug xxx
  6. Psychosomatattack

    Psychosomatattack Active Member

    Thanks for the replies.

    Just one day at a time, and staying out of the mirror helps :/ That's all I can do in the meantime.
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