I'm really worried about talking to my therapist today.. I'm paranoid of the hospitals and of just medication.. I don't think medication can even help me really, and I've been on almost everything.. I think the worry is more a learned behavior.. I think if they told me I had to get put in another lock down, or state hospital I would just end it right then and there.. :cry: I think it was learned because of how I grew up as a child.. My brother was always in and out of the hospital and I was always worried about it.. I also worried about my parents.. They would one day be ok and next minute upset about finances or pretty much anything.. They used to try and hide it from us and because I was so worried I used to go and listen under their door.. and whenever my bro went into er Id ALWAYS ask to go with him So, I don't think its a chemical imbalance.. More learned behavior. By age 6, I was emotionally numb to the world and I think I dissociated a lot. I had these 2 ppl one male, one female that I used as a kid even to describe myself. At age 6.. the male part took control is what I said.. I told a few ppl that in 5th grade I think.. but more used to have internal conversations with myself, and at that time they didn't have specific names. When I was in the hospital unit near Christmas.. one of the ppl there told me to consider a treatment center.. I freaked out... went off on them. And the hospital staff kept telling me things like "stop acting like a kid" or things to the effect of you cant be acting this way here.. I felt like they were trapping me.. And so hard to control the moods, because they ain't all me.. They are, but aren't. Its the same when I visit my parents.. I feel like I have to be in full control the whole time and its really hard to be. Even on meds...was worse on meds actually.. My anxiety is more increased on meds then off.. I don't know.. I'm just paranoid.. And I hope my therapist can understand.. I just can't handle hospitals at all.. And I'm getting kinda anxious to see what she will say to all of what has happened this weekend.. I'm hoping no force of meds or anything.. But I'm not sure what she will say, considering I should have gone to the hospital for something I did unintentionally..