i dont really know what to do with myself. i feel like dying and i want to die. i can't go 15 minutes without thinking about it. i hate being depressed and im tired of living my life from the outside looking in. im envious of anyone who can find whatever golden reason they have to wake up each morning. every second i feel like im fighting a battle with myself and that its life or death every second of the day. i want to throw myself out a window. or drive a car up into some railroad tracks. every second im reminded of it and i just want so badly to be freed and to find God and be done with this torture. i can hardly even get up in the morning. iv'e prayed to God to let me go to sleep and never wake since the sixth grade. i feel too guilty to kill myself and i hate myself for it. i feel so terrible for even allowing that kind of thought to pass through my family's heads. i wish i could just dissappear and that everyone would forget me. i just want to die but i feel that no one will grant me that. i feel like such a pussy for not being able to do it either. im angry at everyone and hate myself. PS- i dont really know why i wrote this or what i want to get out of it. if u reply, please don't tell me that this just get better or that i should hang one because i've been hanging on and am doing my best, although my fingers feel as if they're falling off. and things get better, but then they fall apart and i always get depressed again. i'm afraid of the severity of my illness and what it may be and if i can ever make it thru this. i want so badly to hold my child in my hands and to get married and be a father. but im so scared, cuz i cant even make it now, at 17, and i dont even have to work and im pretty well off.