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  1. ConsolationPrizeFighter

    ConsolationPrizeFighter Well-Known Member

    i dont really know what to do with myself. i feel like dying and i want to die. i can't go 15 minutes without thinking about it. i hate being depressed and im tired of living my life from the outside looking in. im envious of anyone who can find whatever golden reason they have to wake up each morning. every second i feel like im fighting a battle with myself and that its life or death every second of the day. i want to throw myself out a window. or drive a car up into some railroad tracks. every second im reminded of it and i just want so badly to be freed and to find God and be done with this torture. i can hardly even get up in the morning. iv'e prayed to God to let me go to sleep and never wake since the sixth grade. i feel too guilty to kill myself and i hate myself for it. i feel so terrible for even allowing that kind of thought to pass through my family's heads. i wish i could just dissappear and that everyone would forget me. i just want to die but i feel that no one will grant me that. i feel like such a pussy for not being able to do it either. im angry at everyone and hate myself.

    PS- i dont really know why i wrote this or what i want to get out of it. if u reply, please don't tell me that this just get better or that i should hang one because i've been hanging on and am doing my best, although my fingers feel as if they're falling off. and things get better, but then they fall apart and i always get depressed again. i'm afraid of the severity of my illness and what it may be and if i can ever make it thru this. i want so badly to hold my child in my hands and to get married and be a father. but im so scared, cuz i cant even make it now, at 17, and i dont even have to work and im pretty well off.
  2. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    It's an up down cycle, and it will eventually break, probably for the better.

    Wait, why do your fingers feel like they are falling off?

    At least you got it out of your system.
  3. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    It's not about how much money you have. It's about being a child of god and having a reason for being here on this earth. Man cannot tell you what that reason is. Only god can. Trust in what created you, and you will have a less difficult time of it. Maybe everything won't go away, but some of the stupid messages will go away, and this will help you to see life more clearly, and your place in this life. God bless you my friend. You are just as important as anyone else. Your input into this world is as important as anyone else. Your love and your caring ways are as important as anyone else.
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I won't tell you that it will all get better. I can't even tell myself that and believe it.:sad: I just keep hanging on (to what?) and getting thru each day one minute, one hour at a time. But I so desperately want to feel "better" and every day it seems to slip further away.:sad: I'm sorry I can't be of any help to you. I can't even help myself.
  5. ConsolationPrizeFighter

    ConsolationPrizeFighter Well-Known Member

    You don't need to help, just the fact that you can feel it helps so much. I used to feel so alone because I shut everything up inside me, but just knowing the pain is there for others, and that I don't have to be afraid to scream it aloud is worth so much more. I do feel a little better now. I don't necessarily feel now that suicide is as strong an impending fate as i did a few weeks ago. I'm in an up right now and i feel like i might even be able to live it out(as bizarre as it seems to me). Just feeling it is so much better than before and I thank you so much for it. I love everyone here from the bottom of my heart and wish we can all be together in a better place than this after this struggling battle we all endure as life.
  6. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I hate when people tell me that 'things will only get better'. I admit that sometimes they do get better but that better is only short lived. I always fall back into my deep dark hole.. I often lay down at night and ask to not wake up in the morning.. Some people might say that by being on a forum like this that its a good step, that one is seeking help.. I just wish myself, you, and everyone else going thru these feelings, the best...
  7. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Another hater of "Things will bet better" here. Regardless how true it might be, it doesn't help when you're in a hopeless, helpless place. I've found to be true what you said, that most of the time we just need to know that we aren't alone and that someone cares enough to do or say something kind.

    Sometimes I feel as though there's no hope, nothing to hang onto. I have to keep reminding myself that there are always two lifelines - God and caring friends.

  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Things don't always get better, but the fact remains that sometimes they can. It is that possibility that allows us to hope just enough to keep fighting for just one more day. Sometimes the struggle is far beyond what we think we can handle. Amazingly enough, tomorrow comes and we are facing another day. I am sorry you have such feelings of despair at the young age of 17. Have you sought outside help for your thoughts and feelings? Is there someone you feel safe in talking with? I am glad you found the forum and were able to open up and share a little about yourself. You do not have to face these feelings alone. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  9. ConsolationPrizeFighter

    ConsolationPrizeFighter Well-Known Member

    I guess I'm just going to spew out whatever im dealing with on this now:

    i feel like shit. really fucked. i can even think straight right now. i cut myself last night and it was beautiful. im a trainwreck and this are terrible right now. i want to bleed to death. its mothers day. andrea was fucked over. i feel so terrible. i dont even know what to do. my great aunts funeral was yesterday and that was terrible. i feel like shit and i honestly hate myself and the person i am. my shrink says to think up one good thing everytime i have a negative. but when i try its what other people like about me, things i take for granted and dont at all deserve. i want to murder myself. its pretty fucked up. not suicide, but i want to murder myself. i dont think i can do much more of this and i hate everything about everything. this world is so ugly and im tired of being a part of it. my arm stings where i cut myself, but it feels so good. i just want to slash up my arms and lay in the shower till i bleed all of the life out of me. i promised my shrink i'd call him before i hit that shit up and kill myself off. sometimes i aqm so scared of what ive become. its so sad when i think of everytrhing i used to be and all of the potential people think i have. anyways i think i belong in the hospital right now but im so fucking scared to go there. i basicly grew up there(my sister has crohn's disease). i think i migfht just be bipolar or rapid cycling. if i can hold it together it looks like ill get a second opinion and a new medication. i cant believe this at all. i wish i could just die. i wish that jesus were real and that he would come and save me. im tired of this quixotic sinkhole i am and the burden ive become. im holding on tight anyways. i hope everyone else is safe and okay right now
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2008
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