Traveling Back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hillside_with_flowers, May 11, 2013.

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  1. We had another fight today.

    I'm sick of hearing how fat I am.

    I'm sick of hearing how distant I've been.

    I'm sick of hearing how horrible I am with money.

    I'm sick of hearing how much time I spend online. I need support, and I am determined to take care of myself. If the support isn't at home, I will find it. Just because he judges me doesn't mean everyone does.

    I've been going through my own personal hell this winter, and he is upset that I didn't spoil him rotten.

    I want to think well of myself, but he keeps pushing me to seek his approval.

    My mind returned to the hillside today. I think that just means I'm overwhelmed and feeling like I don't have any control.

    I want to understand, of course, but I don't have it in me. When is it my turn to be understood?
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry you do not have a support system where you live. Because you sound like a really nice person !! You deserve people around you who do support you. Even if it is not him.
  3. I set some limits today. But it's still overwhelming. I find myself fantasizing about dying on the beautiful hill.

    I think he loves me, but is not in a position to support me. I need to give myself permission to seek support elsewhere.

    A friend of mine (a fellow blogger in the circle I'm involved in, under my real name) suggested that the hillside is something my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. Interesting.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    you need to give yourself permission to find support elsewhere? Oh how I wish I had the power to have you hear me give you that permission. We all need support from many sources. So my wish for you is that you can find support elsewhere even while staying with him. The place I found the greatest support was in al-anon and ACOA. Those kinds of groups ( and there are many different kinds) can be so supportive and caring. My mother was an alcoholic. She still may be. Anyway, I was not still living with her. But I was effected by her. so I qualified. Oh I sure do wish you could find a great irl support group. If there is a list of people giving permission, I want to add my name :)
  5. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Oh Hon, you don't need permission to take care of yourself.

    It is sounds like the relationship you are in is not only not supportive, but borders on being abusive. I'm just guessing here, but it sounds a lot like my own relationship. Being involved with someone who is very insecure, and sees any attempt on your part to take care of yourself as a threat to them being in control and being the center of everything.

    No one on this planet needs permission to protect themselves and do what is necessary to be healthy and happy. Do what it takes to be okay, and if the other person in your life is keeping you from doing this, it may be time to get into counseling with this person if it is a serious relationship that you want to stay in, or to end the relationship if it is not.

    Take care, Hon. And yeah, you deserve it.
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