I'm so glad a place like this exists for us tortured souls. I honestly don't want to take the time to tell my entire story, but needless to say I feel exceptionally depressed right now. I've never been diagnosed with depression by a medical professional, but I've self-diagnosed myself many a time. When people who struggle with depression talk about being unable to get out of bed in the morning and how they're afraid to be alone, I never really understood that. It never happened to me. Whenever I started to get the slightest inkling of something like that, I would always force myself to keep working, keep plodding on and try to ignore it. I repressed a lot of my feelings. I recently got in an out of a relationship with a woman who also suffered from depression and we talked about it on the phone for quite awhile. Then out of the blue she pushed me away. It hurt, but what hurt more was the fact that I'd opened up with her about things I'd never told to anyone else and now I couldn't turn to her for help. I'm not bitter about the breakup, but I feel like I've broken a whole bottle of repressed emotions and feelings inside my mind. I recently relocated and don't have any close friends here and the close friends I have I don't want to talk to about this since I've never told them before. I'm currently a grad student so the time I spend on my studies occupies my time nicely but whenever I get a break from it, it's almost scary. I really know what it means when people talk about depression being crippling. It's getting to a point now where I don't care if I'm alive or dead, and I'm merely treading water until the big plunge. Most of my friends have gotten married by now or are engaged and I think that soon they'll start having kids and then I'll be forgotten. My parents are getting older too and I recently had two family friends die this year who were both their age. It makes me wonder about how much time they truly have left. All I see before me is a dark, empty void and if I'm left alone for too long, my thoughts turn dark. I'm fairly religious and I keep thinking about being beyond salvation. Everyday I look at my hands and think that one day I'll use them to kill myself and send my soul to hell to burn forever in lakes of fire. It's almost as though I've stopped believing in heaven. It's very hard for me to want to seek any help or tell people about my problems since I don't think I'm worth it. How do you seek help when you don't even care about yourself? People always talk about how others experience a lot of pain and grief in losing a loved one, and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt my family or my friends. But everyone I know gets over death. Getting over grief is necessary so we don't all kill ourselves. Writing this has been very therapeutic, but I feel so trapped right now. When I have days like this, all I see for options are to keep plodding on endlessly until I die alone and forgotten or to end it all soon and spare myself decades of loneliness and doubt. I don't want to disrupt the world because of me. I can't tell anyone about thinking about suicide because they'll come rushing to my aid and treat it as an emergency. Some may call it that, but I don't see it as such. There's no emergency if you're not actually in the process of it yet. How do you seek help when you don't give a damn whether or not you wake up in the morning?