Treading down dark paths

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DrNick1010, Nov 3, 2010.

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  1. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad a place like this exists for us tortured souls. I honestly don't want to take the time to tell my entire story, but needless to say I feel exceptionally depressed right now. I've never been diagnosed with depression by a medical professional, but I've self-diagnosed myself many a time. When people who struggle with depression talk about being unable to get out of bed in the morning and how they're afraid to be alone, I never really understood that. It never happened to me. Whenever I started to get the slightest inkling of something like that, I would always force myself to keep working, keep plodding on and try to ignore it. I repressed a lot of my feelings. I recently got in an out of a relationship with a woman who also suffered from depression and we talked about it on the phone for quite awhile. Then out of the blue she pushed me away. It hurt, but what hurt more was the fact that I'd opened up with her about things I'd never told to anyone else and now I couldn't turn to her for help. I'm not bitter about the breakup, but I feel like I've broken a whole bottle of repressed emotions and feelings inside my mind. I recently relocated and don't have any close friends here and the close friends I have I don't want to talk to about this since I've never told them before. I'm currently a grad student so the time I spend on my studies occupies my time nicely but whenever I get a break from it, it's almost scary. I really know what it means when people talk about depression being crippling. It's getting to a point now where I don't care if I'm alive or dead, and I'm merely treading water until the big plunge. Most of my friends have gotten married by now or are engaged and I think that soon they'll start having kids and then I'll be forgotten. My parents are getting older too and I recently had two family friends die this year who were both their age. It makes me wonder about how much time they truly have left. All I see before me is a dark, empty void and if I'm left alone for too long, my thoughts turn dark. I'm fairly religious and I keep thinking about being beyond salvation. Everyday I look at my hands and think that one day I'll use them to kill myself and send my soul to hell to burn forever in lakes of fire. It's almost as though I've stopped believing in heaven. It's very hard for me to want to seek any help or tell people about my problems since I don't think I'm worth it. How do you seek help when you don't even care about yourself? People always talk about how others experience a lot of pain and grief in losing a loved one, and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt my family or my friends. But everyone I know gets over death. Getting over grief is necessary so we don't all kill ourselves. Writing this has been very therapeutic, but I feel so trapped right now. When I have days like this, all I see for options are to keep plodding on endlessly until I die alone and forgotten or to end it all soon and spare myself decades of loneliness and doubt. I don't want to disrupt the world because of me. I can't tell anyone about thinking about suicide because they'll come rushing to my aid and treat it as an emergency. Some may call it that, but I don't see it as such. There's no emergency if you're not actually in the process of it yet. How do you seek help when you don't give a damn whether or not you wake up in the morning?
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so glad you found us...two things came to mind...there is a condition that is experienced by therapists which talks about the secondary depression coming from working with depressives, like burn out...maybe she being this way set off your feelings, and your question re how to get help...you are worthy and valuable...maybe you cannot access these feelings now, but that does not mean you are not worthy...you are not feeling worthy...I would tell the therapist the quandry you have re that you do not feel worth being helped and see where that goes...please continue to tell us what is going on for you and welcome again...J
     
  3. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    Do you know what the process of getting therapy started is like? I mean, with the fact that I'm feeling suicidal, or at the very least having issues with suicide ideation, will the help I seek automatically hospitalize me? I don't want to take time off of school since I find it quite helpful to immerse myself in study as a good distraction from things, plus I've already done so much work that I don't want to go to waste in pursuing my master's degree for this semester. I'm optimistic that I'll make it through this dark patch, but my mind keeps drifting back to suicide whenever I'm not mentally occupied by something else. I started reading a book for fun and that helps for me in my alone time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want a break or feel that I need one. I just want help and I'd like to see how that could be incorporated into my busy schedule. I'm very private about all of this since I realize how busy other people are and I don't want to disrupt their lives at my expense even if I am worth it. I've seen people use depression and suicidal tendencies as bids for attention and as a form of manipulation and I'm so afraid that people will see me like that.

    Going back to my question though and getting past my neuroticism, what do you think the process of getting help would be like for me? Do you think I could get help without getting stuck in a hospital for a weekend?
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's been my experience that you are only hospitalized if you are in imminent danger. usually they will ask you if you have a specific plan, a date and a time, the means to act on your plan, that kind of thing. this is in canada, might be different where you are. a good therapist won't send you to the hospital for suicidal feelings or urges, or suicidal ideation. they might ask you to sign a contract where you agree that if things get worse you will call them before acting on your thoughts or go to the ER.

    sounds like you are open to getting some extra help, which is great. i've said elsewhere that therapy is the best thing i've ever done for myself. i highly recommend it. my first therapist back here was crap, but the next one was perfect and i've been seeing her for almost a year now. good luck.
     
  5. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Hey Dr. Nick, when it comes to getting therapy, they will only hospitalize you if you are showing signs that you're planning on committing suicide and they believe that you will do it unless restrained. Feeling suicidal is a very scary thing to admit to someone, but therapists/psychologists will not respond the way that most people do. They've studied this, they've encountered this, so you will not (or should not) be treated as a live grenade. Since you are in graduate I would assume that your college has some kind of mental health service available. I would suggest looking into it, and going into their offices in person rather than calling.

    I'm currently an undergrad and when I first called I got an intro appointment (they do this to evaluate where you are and who you should be set up with) set for a week later. It became clear that I could not wait that long and so I walked into the office and met with the triage counselor. Not sure if your experience will be quite like this, but just in case it is, the triage counselor is there to see where I was. At the time I was cutting myself and planning my suicide, but as long as you assure them (and be honest now) that you are not going to hurt or kill yourself, and reach out for help if you feel like doing so, they will no hospitalize you. If, on the other hand, you feel as if you need to be hospitalized, say so! Your life is more important than your responsibilities. If you're dead then you'll be missing a lot of your obligations, won't you? Better to miss a week, or a month, than the rest of your life. Does that make sense?

    So after meeting with the triage counselor I got an appointment scheduled with a therapist I think about a week later, but the point was that the process had been started. It is very easy to get left behind when it comes to starting this kind of thing, which is why I would suggest going in person when scheduling your first meeting. You're more likely to be responded to quickly and get a solid spot in. Don't be afraid, they've seen a lot people come through their offices with a million different problems, so don't feel as if you're out of place. Or that you're not important enough to get help-- you don't feel well, and their job is to help people feel better. Most importantly though, I would say, is be honest. Be honest about your feelings, what you've been thinking about, etc. This should be a safe place, and if it isn't, be honest about that too. Say something. If you feel threatened by your therapist, say something. If you feel like things aren't working out for you in therapy, talk to the therapist, and if that isn't working (you two don't get along) speak to someone else about switching therapists. I recommend you going in completely, please do. I know it's frightening, but I'm under the impression that it's better to be frightened for a few weeks, or months even, to ensure that you live for years.

    Good luck, and if you have any questions at all, feel free to PM me.

    --ThinkingCap
     
  6. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much to all of you for your advice and comforts. It means a lot to me to know you care. Today has been a lot better than yesterday, but I still spent a good half hour crying my eyes out. I still don't think I need hospitalization and the advice Dazzle and Thinkingcap have given me has calmed me in knowing that I won't be treated as a crazy person once I go in for help. I know, I know, it sounds irrational, but I don't know how these things are done. The entire process is a mystery to me. My ex told me how her ex husband was hospitalized simply for thinking about suicide while he was driving. I do that sometimes, but merely in a hypothetical fashion. I wonder what it would be like. I'd never, ever go that way though. There's too much to risk in putting others in danger as well. What really sucks right now is that I really want to talk to some friends or family members about my predicament right now, but going off of what Thinkingcap said I'm afraid they will treat me like a live grenade. I know being depressed and suicidal isn't a sign of weakness but I almost think they'll be mad at me for not telling them about it sooner. I hate being in this position. It's beyond my control and I know that but a part of me is still saying "suck it up and man up you big wuss." When I tell people about this, even though it will get easier the more I do it, it's a very hard thing to be afraid of what they will think. It's almost like coming out of the closet. You don't know how people are going to react. I would have sought counseling in past years, when it had been tough then, but another thing I'm afraid of is medication. I only hear horror stories about how anti-depressants numb you and how people have committed suicide because they stopped taking their meds or because they took the wrong meds. David Foster Wallace committed suicide because he stopped taking meds. Heath Ledger died because he mixed anti-depressants with other drugs. That scares the hell out of me. I'm sure that there are alternative methods, but the drugs part scares me.

    Thanks again for all of your advice. You've put some of my fears to rest.
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    about meds i say educate yourself. find out all about the side effects, how long you should expect to be on them, how long it is until they take effect, that kind of thing. i have bipolar which means, realistically, i'm gonna be on meds for life, kind of like a diabetic. i tried life without meds but it wasn't working for me (became very suicidal). a good doctor won't mind all the questions, they will be glad you are an informed consumer.
     
  8. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    None of what you have said has been irrational, or ridiculous. You've never been through this before, and it's completely understandable that you would be scared. Your fears about telling your friends and family are normal, and it will be difficult, but here's the difficult part: if they really care about you, if they're really your friends, they will work through the pain with you. Not everything can be honky-dory in your lives, and this is one of those things. I wrote about this on another thread, but it applies here as well. Just the other day I started cutting again, and I had told my boyfriend that I'd done it in the past, but it was always past tense. The day I cut again, I knew I'd have to tell him, and it scared the hell out of me. I really didn't want to, but I knew that it would be more irresponsible to let myself get worse and do something potentially worse than let him know now and gain the necessary support to hold me through this tough spot.

    Maybe something that will be a bit more applicable to what you're going through would be the first time that I told my sister that I was feeling suicidal and had been cutting myself. I was afraid that she'd think I was crazy, that she wouldn't leave me alone (calling me all the time to make sure that I'm okay, not letting me out of her sight, etc) and sometimes I needed that, but for the most part, she let me be. I got so scared, but once she understood where I was and that I would call her if I ever got to feeling badly again, she kept the relationship the same, but with a bit more understanding. Just make sure that you go slowly when you tell them, and explain everything. Mystery when it comes to this subject leads people to think of the worst scenario, so be explicit and open. Which would lead me to suggest that you only open up to those who you believe will take it well and can provide support. The last thing you need right now is someone panicking and treating you like a crazy person, because you aren't. You're not insane, you're just going through a difficult time right now. If you have any questions, or anything at all, PM me or respond here. I'll answer as best I can. This is difficult, but you can do it, and things will get better.

    Try not to be afraid, there's a reason why these people are your friends, and just remember that. They should take the time to understand why you're feeling the way you do rather than brush you off, and in the chance that they do brush you off, make sure that you know that you're being serious. Try not to joke, or back out halfway through. Be direct, honest, and thorough. That's how I did it, and it might work for you. Or, once you get in with a therapist, have them come in with you for a session and talk as if they aren't there. Or talk to them with the therapist as a mediator, that may be more helpful so that they don't feel stressed or as frightened and can ask the therapist questions for what to do now. You have a lot of options.

    --ThinkingCap
     
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