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Treading water...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ZasuArt, Feb 13, 2012.

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  1. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    It's been a few weeks since I've started a thread. I've managed to keep my worst suicidal urges at bay, but I've been really struggling lately, and fighting the urge to just withdraw and hide. A part of me feels really guilty being so down after being saved at hour zero from losing my home (the only reason I'm still breathing). And that guilt is probably the only thing that is keeping me from wanting to end it.

    As some of you are already aware, I lost my oldest mutt-child, Butchie, a month ago tomorrow. I miss him so incredibly much, and still cry every day for him. My relationship with my partner of 12 years has also been strained lately. Her explosive anger, which is a huge trigger for me, has been frequent and unpredictable. I grew up in a very abusive household, where I was the daily target of such rage, and I learned at a very young age to cope by hiding and doing anything and everything I could to avoid it in that moment. Despite years and years of therapy and many different medications, it still paralyzes me. I love and adore my partner more than words can express, but I spend every waking moment (which lately averages 22 out of 24 hours a day) desperately keeping all the plates spinning, terrified of the next screw-up that will trigger her anger. The reality is, it's my desperation to hide the plates that fall is as major a trigger for her rage as the broken plates themselves. But the idea of facing the music and exposing myself to her inevitable rage is about as easy as suicide by holding your breath. You may *want* to do it, but your survival instinct, however shakey, forces you to take that breath before it's too late. I'm sorry... I'm sure that doesn't make any sense at all, but I'm having a hard time articulating lately.

    I try like hell to be such a good person that the weak, selfish, awful person that I really am is never exposed. But the reality is always just below the surface. The truth never remains hidden, does it? If those who love me knew how ugly and horrible I really am, they would despise me. I want to be good and worthy, but I can only put on that mask and go through the motions. Whats underneath never changes or improves. If anything, it rots and festers. It kills me because I want more than anything to prove my abusers wrong, but I secretly believe that they were right. How can I ask for happiness I don't deserve? How can I be a good person when I'm so horrible inside? It's so hard to fight to survive when you don't really believe you should.

    There is some other painful stuff going on right now that is too much to tack onto this post. I started to go into it, then realized that it was just too much. I'm just a mess right now. I'll probably create a separate thread.

    Thanks for listening to my rant. Sometimes venting makes all the difference. :grouphug:
  2. Baldr

    Baldr Staff Alumni

    I feel exactly the same when someone's angry at me, I suppose it's caused by my abusive family..
    Even when someone's angry at me who has never done anything bad to me, like teachers, I just want to stay away but unfortunately that is never possible.
    I just get very sad and stay silent for hours, sometimes an entire day and often feel like crying.
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I'm right there with you, (((((((Baldr)))))))... I don't know if this will help you find an "outlet", but I discovered years ago that one area that I had very strong opinions about politics, specifically human rights, animal rights and social justice. And because I'm confident about my opinions in these areas, and relatively knowlegeable, this was an area where I *could* vent my anger and frustration, particularly with strangers and acquaintances (I still hold back a bit with those I love and respect). Clearly, it doesn't change my helplessness when faced with explosive anger in all other areas (especially from those I care about), but it does help me feel a bit less helpless in the world. :console:
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